Struggling with detaching and letting BPDh get too close

[Aboutme2011]

I am having such a hard time right now.  BPD(separated)H is trying so hard to get back together.  15 years of abuse behind me.
Part of me falls for it.  "Oh, you are aware now and we will go to church and work together on our goals?  Yes, that will work."
But no it won't.  He is still lying about what happened over the summer with other women and a lot of things that happened that indicated he was still screwing around - even after I caught him and he swore he wasn't doing anything but trying to save our marriage. Lying to me then and now.  I can't even try to discuss what happened and have closure because he just lies and tells me I am crazy.  It is near the holidays and I am caving and letting him visit our daughter and I way too much. 

Can you believe this - I don't want to hurt him by forcefully telling him it is really over forever.  I can not ever trust him again.  I can not ever live with the abuse again.  I am NOT ever going to reconcile with him. 

What is wrong with me?  I need an appointment with my counselor.  I know that I can tell him to stay away and be very strong and forceful and keep him away.  But I don't want him to go.  But I don't want him to stay.  And I can not ever ever live with  him again.  I want to hate him but I love him. And I want to let him spend the night and have sex and hold me. I have managed to not go there.

This phase isn't real - it can't last.  It never has.  But maybe this time it will - but it won't.  Is there a medication for this?  He tells me he needs to hear from me more and I actually text him.  What am I doing?

thanks,
About

[vortex of confusion]

I don't have too many words of wisdom to offer. I did want to offer you a hug.   And share part of my story and how I have tried to keep from letting him get back in.

Ex and I have been married 18 years. We had been separated and living together for the kids for quite a while. He has been out of the house for 9 months now.

He doesn't seem to comprehend that I am done. It is over. Even when I was dating somebody else, it didn't seem to register with him that I am done.

When I tell him that I am done and cannot ever be in a romantic relationship with him again, he says stuff like, "You never know," as though he knows something that I don't. Um, yes, I do know. To keep him from going down that path, I respond with stuff like, "As things stand right now, there is no way we will ever get back together. You have to make a lot of changes before anything like that might happen. Otherwise, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of us getting back together." Is it mean? Yep. That is what I have to do to keep him from trying to suck me back in. I know that he will not change. I know that he can make whatever promise he wants and it isn't going to happen. I know this and I hold on to it to keep me from getting caught up in holding on to the bread crumbs that he used to feed me and have me eat with gusto and delight. I have a distaste for bread crumbs these days.

I have also had to put up a firm boundary for myself in my mind. I know how he operates. He is going to keep yoyo-ing back to me as long as I allow it to continue. He got in a 12 step program for SA and told me that everybody recommends giving it at least a year before making any decisions about the relationship. One year turned into 3 years. Even before that, he would put me off and leave me in limbo and expect me to jump at the chance whenever he decided to work on things. If I didn't fall all over myself and immediately forget all of his past transgressions, I was being unreasonable. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sorry, I cannot forget some of the things that he has said and done.

I think it is okay to still love him. I love my ex. We have 4 kids together. Loving somebody doesn't mean that you have to take crappy treatment from them. I can love him from a distance. I can love him by NOT being involved with him as anything other than a friend/coparent. I know what I know about him. He tries to argue me out of it. He tries to dismiss what I say. When he is trying really hard to get me to relax my boundaries and weasel his way back in, he will act all self aware and act like he has seen the light. Most recently, he told me, "I realized that I am a lying liar that tells lies." There was a day when hearing that would have melted me like a ice cube on a hot sidewalk. Not any more. I listen and nod and move on. If he tries to text me or have more contact with me, I brush him off. He will message me about the kids. I tell him to message the kids NOT me because he is asking me about stuff like "what do the kids think of. . ." I have to be super careful because he will come over to see the kids and get hugs when he leaves. He usually tries to get one from me and I walk off because I am trying my best to NOT send mixed signals and let him know that I am absolutely, positively DONE.

I even refused to hang up mistletoe for Christmas this year. I know him well enough to know that if he saw me under it he would try something. It would likely be sweet and innocent and it would be in front of the kids. However, it would be one more way of trying to remind me of the good times and suck me back in.

[Mutt]

Hi aboutme2011,

This phase isn't real - it can't last.  It never has.  But maybe this time it will - but it won't.  Is there a medication for this?  He tells me he needs to hear from me more and I actually text him.  What am I doing?

I always thought that the members here that were split white had it tougher than the members that were split black. The vitriol that was directed at me was something else and she was the one that left me, but that was a reaction to my rejection. It was very painful but she avoided ne and think that helped speed up my recovery.

You're right, its a phase, he's splitting and being split black is around the corner, have you thought about self protection? Minimise contact, are you keeping yourself busy? I find that if I have moments where I feel stress, anxious, lonely or I have nothing better to do I go to the gym. Do you miss his company?

[Aboutme2011]

Thanks for sharing Vortex - that is helpful.  I was doing some of those things to keep him away but find myself giving in.  I need to tighten up.  And I shouldn't have put up the mistletoe, he already tried to capture me there.  I have to make peace with loving him and not living with him.  And not being in a relationship with him.  He really went too far this time, there is no way back for me. 

It would be easier if we didn't live close and have a daughter.  I would do my best to be NC but that isn't an option with a kid.

I don't always stay busy and sometimes reach out to him when I am bored.  Bad habit!  The gym would be a much better place.  Tonight I planned ahead and brought some work home and ran errands on my way.  Just to fill time.

Surprisingly, I don't really miss his company.  Even when he is trying really hard to be nice or ideal or what he thinks I want - he has an abrasiveness to him that can be annoying.  So I may think I miss him but after hanging out for awhile it all comes back to me and I realize that I don't really want that. 

Work in progress for sure.  Thanks for hugs and info!

[vortex of confusion]

What kind of support network do you have? Do you have friends or family that you can reach out to when you are feeling bored and want to chat with somebody?

[Aboutme2011]

 I have a lot of friends and family that I can call or text if I'm bored. But sometimes I seem to forget that and fall into talking to him - often because he has texted me first.  And on the weekend I'm always pretty busy and that helps a lot. He stopped by tonight to pick up his medication (that I picked up at the pharmacy for him today) and while he was here a discussion came up and he ended up splitting black and reminding me why I will never be together again.  I could see that all that anger and animosity is still sizzling right under the surface ready to bubble up anytime the wind blows. I think that what was happening was for several weeks I only saw the good side and I was beginning to forget.