Need help.

[Shedd]

Is it possible to become so emotionally envolved with a borderline that you end up with symptoms after the break up?

[rfriesen]

Hi burnerin,

Can you say a little bit more about what kind of symptoms you mean? You mean traits of borderline personality that you exhibit yourself? Many of us have felt that way towards the end of our relationships and after the break-up. It's normal for a certain amount of mirroring to go on in any intimate relationship, as we pick up some of each other's ways of talking, thinking, gesturing, etc. A BPD relationship can involve especially intense mirroring in the idealization phase, and a good deal of projection and blaming in the devaluation phase. All of that can be confusing and make it hard to understand the role we played in the relationship dynamics, and can leave us questioning our mental health as we recover.

But what symptoms do you have in mind specifically, burnerin?

[Shedd]

Hi,

Thank you for your message.  Well, when we first broke up I felt such intense emotion I wanted to kill myself.  She was the first relationship I have ever had so I was insanely in love with her.  Since then I don't have those intense feelings anymore, but now I am left with wanting to push everyone away from my life who doesn't understand me.  I sometimes pushe them away.  I also have been extremely irritable at things and life just seems to keep giving me lemons. I also see a lot of people as evil and I don't know how to open anyone up to my heart ever again. I hope this helps?

[woundedPhoenix]

It is possible. We can be extremely fragile, and a lot of chaos still echoes on inside of us, as we process what happened and build our new reality, we have a hard time trusting others.

I sometimes pushe them away.  

Does the statement "I sometimes push myself away" resonate with you? Outside relationships often reflect how we have a relationship with ourselves.
And i think THAT is the key to succesfull healing, finding how we can have the best relationship with ourselves.

[rfriesen]

These kinds of relationships can create and open up deep wounds inside of us. The initial attachment can be intense, and make us feel safe and connected as we never have before. We might feel we've finally found that connection, that happiness that completes us -- maybe we didn't even know it was missing from our lives, but once we have it, we want to give all of ourselves to it. When we lose that, it can awaken equally powerful feelings of abandonment in us -- again, maybe these are feelings we never even knew we had or that we were capable of feeling to such a painful degree.

If that's part of what you've been living through, then it's normal for you to feel irritable, hurt, to see the world in gloomier colours, to be wary of people's intentions and, yes, maybe even see them as evil. Think of it as a defence mechanism -- you've just been profoundly hurt by someone you let get very close to you; now your mind is in defence mode, trying not to let anyone in too close again. So you might feel strong urges to push people away, or to see them in a negative light, so that you're not even tempted to let them in.

It's normal to feel this way right now, especially if you're still working with your ex or being reminded of her. So don't be hard on yourself for these feelings. It's already a big step that you can recognize them. You know your behaviour is driven in part by your irritability and pain from the failed relationship. That really is a big step. It doesn't mean there's an easy fix. But it does mean you can start trying to work through it. Do you have any close family or friends that you find especially trustworthy? Maybe you can make an effort to open up to one or two people you feel that way about? Or maybe a therapist? Are you seeing one? That can be a huge help in working through this kind of pain. Carrying around this kind of pain can be isolating and exhausting. Being able to share it and talk it through with a therapist or trusted friend or family member is important.

[heartandwhole]

Hi,

Thank you for your message.  Well, when we first broke up I felt such intense emotion I wanted to kill myself.  She was the first relationship I have ever had so I was insanely in love with her.  Since then I don't have those intense feelings anymore, but now I am left with wanting to push everyone away from my life who doesn't understand me.  I sometimes pushe them away.  I also have been extremely irritable at things and life just seems to keep giving me lemons. I also see a lot of people as evil and I don't know how to open anyone up to my heart ever again. I hope this helps?

Burnerin,

I felt this way, too, after my breakup. It was hard for me and loved around me for a bit, but it did pass. I think it's part of the grieving and recovery process. I'm sure it will pass for you, especially if you can feel and accept your feelings without judgment.

This is tough. It will get better, though. Hang in there. 

heartandwhole

[Shedd]

[quote author=rfriesen link=topic=302438.msg12825345#msg12825345 date=1481362628
Do you have any close family or friends that you find especially trustworthy? Maybe you can make an effort to open up to one or two people you feel that way about? Or maybe a therapist? Are you seeing one?
[/quote]

My ex used to be mad at me for talking about issues that have to do with her to anyone because she was embarrassed by her BPD and said that she would leave people if she knew that they told other people.  I was so terrified to open up to really anyone because I didn't want her to leave me.  I did tell a close friend quite a few things that happened in the relationship and that she had BPD cause I just couldn't take it anymore.   I just feel like my friend is so sick of hearing about her that everytime I want to bring it up or do bring it up I feel like she is annoyed.  

She let me talk to my mom because she knew it was important to have someone in my life to talk to about the situation and she liked my mom so she trusted her.  I do talk to my mom, but I don't like to make her worry about me so it's hard to talk to her sometimes and I also feel like she is annoyed at me for bringing up because she doesn't want me to be sad.

I had a therapist during the entire relationship up until the break up.  I just felt like my therapist didn't understand first, a lesbian relationship, and second being in love with someone with BPD.  I just felt like she kept judging me for that and kept telling me that it's not healthy to be in a relationship with her, but I loved her so much I couldn't leave her, especially because I devoted to never leaving her. Which is what I am mostly struggling with.  

She pushed me away, and I still feel like I can't leave her, and that I need to love her from a distance. I made a promise to her that I don't want to break because I want her to see humanity as good, or at least there is some good in the world that maybe it would help her.  I do think I did help her a lot as she is seeking treatment like crazy.  I found out she stopped drinking, and is a lot happier and isn't planning on killing herself this year, at least.

[Shedd]

Burnerin,

I felt this way, too, after my breakup. It was hard for me and loved around me for a bit, but it did pass. I think it's part of the grieving and recovery process. I'm sure it will pass for you, especially if you can feel and accept your feelings without judgment.

This is tough. It will get better, though. Hang in there. 

heartandwhole

Thank you,

It has been very hard, but I am starting to see the clouds go away.  It's hard because I will always love her.  Thank you for the hope!  I greatly appreciate it.

[Julia S]

Glad you are starting to feel better. Having said that, try not to be alarmed if you suddenly feel all the problems returning, this is likely to happen sometimes as part of the process.

It's important to remember that a relationship or even a close friendship, however brief, with a pwBPD, is not a normal romantic relationship. Their ways of coping and trying to fill what is missing in their lives bring out very primal instincts, not just of loving, but of unconditionally caring, nurturing and protecting in people close to them. It isn't because you are weaker than other people, or have hidden needs others don't, simply that those who don't understand haven't been in your position. And you may genuinely have been drawn to them out of friendship, not seduced by their intense emotions - those may have come into play later, and been the first sign something was wrong.

When things went wrong with my pwBPD friend, I actually thought I was picking up on their mood swings and problems empathically/telepathically. And indeed, who knows? That may be what happens for a while. When it happens I consciously send healing to the person and/or mentally tell them to get out of my mind. I don't think it matters on what level you perceive or interpret this, the process works the same.

Try to spend time with psychologically healthy people and you will see the BPD world for what it is - a distortion.

[Tosquinha]

Hi there,

I can relate to what you've written here on many different levels.  The loyalty, the not feeling like you are able to talk to anyone, even being in a lesbian relationship.  I have felt all of what you have described.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm sure (and I know) that none of it is easy and probably feels like being on a rollercoaster of one day trying to be ok with all of it and then just simply not. 

I've been with my wife 7 years total, 2.5 married.  She had lots of triggers and in the end couldn't even tell me why she was abandoning me (between my therapist and I, we believe that her recently finding out that her ex, that she was with 10 years and adopted kids with had left her long term relationship and was with someone new and this sparked my wife's abandonment issues smh).  I too pledged to never leave her.  But here i sit in this house in a room separate from her all the while she is pushing ME away, being cold, callous, demanding I move from the house, wondering a lot of what i know you must be wondering.

You're not alone.  I know it probably feels that way. 

[Shedd]

Glad you are starting to feel better. Having said that, try not to be alarmed if you suddenly feel all the problems returning, this is likely to happen sometimes as part of the process.

When things went wrong with my pwBPD friend, I actually thought I was picking up on their mood swings and problems empathically/telepathically. And indeed, who knows? That may be what happens for a while. When it happens I consciously send healing to the person and/or mentally tell them to get out of my mind. I don't think it matters on what level you perceive or interpret this, the process works the same.

Try to spend time with psychologically healthy people and you will see the BPD world for what it is - a distortion.

I did feel like I was picking up on her mood swings.  My heart felt so confused like it was tearing in two.  I honestly don't even know how to describe the way I felt.  This was a couple days before the break up, she had just gotten out of the hospital.  She had turned herself in because she had broken up with me (We were on and off for two years.) and was going to kill herself because she somehow found out that I was going on a date with someone! (I did not tell her, no one else knew) I did post a picture on snap chat of some new perfume from Victoria Secret I had purchased, but that was it! I didn't think she would pick up on it.  Prior to turning herself in, she kept telling me she was going to kill herself because I was on this date.  I ended up not even going on the date, driving to her place to keep her from killing herself.  I always thought that when someone pushes you away they really want you to be close to them.  She argued with me for so long to leave, and that I should be on my date. Finally, I couldn't be there anymore because she was so angry and I didn't want to make her upset anymore.  Anyway, after she got out of the hospital we had made love. At this point we were just friends or friends with benefits because she couldn't handle having a label on our relationship since she is so confused about her sexuality, but I asked her if I had passed her tests.  She said that I did and then we made love... .The point is, during that time my heart was pulling me in so many directions I couldn't tell if they were my feelings or hers.  I had never felt anything like the way I was feeling then and it was so confusing to me.  I thought I was picking up on all her emotions and she was feeding them into me.  Ever since then I get weird feelings when I see her sometimes.  It is very confusing to me, and hard.

[Shedd]

Hi there,

I can relate to what you've written here on many different levels.  The loyalty, the not feeling like you are able to talk to anyone, even being in a lesbian relationship.  I have felt all of what you have described.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm sure (and I know) that none of it is easy and probably feels like being on a rollercoaster of one day trying to be ok with all of it and then just simply not. 

I've been with my wife 7 years total, 2.5 married.  She had lots of triggers and in the end couldn't even tell me why she was abandoning me (between my therapist and I, we believe that her recently finding out that her ex, that she was with 10 years and adopted kids with had left her long term relationship and was with someone new and this sparked my wife's abandonment issues smh).  I too pledged to never leave her.  But here i sit in this house in a room separate from her all the while she is pushing ME away, being cold, callous, demanding I move from the house, wondering a lot of what i know you must be wondering.

You're not alone.  I know it probably feels that way. 

I am sorry, you are going through this.  It is really confusing.  I wish I could help better! I try to think of it like she loves me so much that she's too afraid to hurt me so that's why she pushes me away.  Maybe that would help you?  She loves you and realizes that she is making you miserable and wants you to be happy.  That's just how I look at it, but it is still hard nonetheless.