Just got a phone call from my ex after 10 months...

[Herodias]

So... .I just got a phone call from my ex! He was totally drunk and told me that he was sorry to hear about my Step-Father. Now, ironically my Step-Father just went into the hospital today, but I know for a fact my ex doesn't know this information. I said how did you know? He said I know these things. I think his Mother told him that he wasn't doing well (I told her this several months ago), but it is a coincidence that it happened tonight. He told me that he loved him like a Father... .He was very emotional. He told me that he would talk to me later and hung up. I was hesitant to answer, but I am glad I did, because it answered the question in my head that I was wondering if he had gotten sober because he has a baby. Now I know he did not. He was loaded... .I guess it's the holidays and he was feeling nostalgic... .I did not expect that.

[once removed]

hey Herodias 

how you feeling as a result?

[Herodias]

It made me cry at first, but now I am ok... .I see that he hasn't changed like I imagined. Thanks for asking once removed... .

[myself]

There are times some of our exes also miss who and what they had.

[once removed]

It made me cry at first

i can imagine so. after not speaking by phone for ten months it must have felt fairly surreal.

I see that he hasn't changed like I imagined

i can relate. the little i learned about my exes new relationship didnt sound pretty. how might you have felt if you sensed a change?

[Herodias]

To be honest,  I didn't like feeling like he has changed and I was the unfortunate one to go through all the agony. I can only imagine how awful his girlfriends night will be with a baby and no VA hospital to take him to! Horrible. I can't help but want him to miss parts of being with me as I do with him. I'm sure holidays remind people of these things. I'm sure something is up for him to reach out though. What -I have no idea.

[Herodias]

Really strange how he happened to call when my step father went into the hospital. _ kind of creepy!  Like a sixth sense!  He doesn't even know that they are both living in the same state as of a week ago-  I guess her father doesn't like him , that's too bad. I hear people from small towns don't except people very easily.

[JerryRG]

Herodias

I hope you're ok, these events can really shake a person up and I can see in your post the confusion and wanting answers. I get that feeling everytime I see my son's mother.

Hope you find many positives in this, that you are ok.

I understand the feeling of them changing, as many times as I hear they don't it still hurts when they pretend to be happier with someone else. It's a lie, we can't understand them so we turn inward and search for what we did wrong.

My ex is not better, her mother told me a few days ago how unhealthy she is, mentally sick. Even if she found the perfect guy it will end in flames.

We did all we could.

Take care Herodias, I care about you, we all do. 

[once removed]

I didn't like feeling like he has changed

Herodias, read through your posts and youll see this is a common theme - second guessing whether or not he has changed.

i get it, i do. the question is how long and how much energy are you willing to invest in looking for proof he has or hasnt changed?

I heard today at a divorce group that focusing in your ex prevents you from moving on.

this is good advice. i found the more i focused on my change, the less i cared whether or not my ex changed.

im sure this call was unexpected and a bit of a shake up - it sucks to still be tied to him through the courts. today is a new day 

[Herodias]

Thanks Jerry, that means allot... .

Yes, once removed, I hear what you are saying. I think this was just what I needed right now. I do not intend on answering any other calls from him. I feel like a bad person for feeling giddy about his faults, but after all he put me through, I really needed to know. Now I do and I can be glad I am not dealing with him and move on. The thing about "moving on" is that when you aren't doing much of anything, there doesn't seem to be anything to move on to! I mean, I am busy with work and with groups, I am just not happy in my loneliness. I am happy alone, I just miss having someone to be with. He has had this for the past two years... .I hope he finally is dealing with the loss of our marriage. I was in love with a mirage... .

[patientandclear]

Herodias: I completely understand why this makes a really bad set of events over a long time feel a bit better. It is somewhat eroding your negative self-talk that he might be behaving better for/with someone else. That stuff ("I'm not good enough to merit his best" is super toxic and it helps to have some hard evidence that that is not the story after all. It's the same reason it sometimes helps to talk to our exes' exes and learn that they too had similar experiences.

My ex has wrecked a few women since me and I no longer need or want to know about it. But the first couple of times I felt a level of visceral relief. Now I just feel bad for those women.

I also get what you mean about moving on to not much. I suspect being women in middle age makes that harder. If I were 30, letting all this go would not be so hard for me. I have a gnawing sense that the chance to love and be loved will not come again, and that makes this one especially hard to swallow.

I suspect that participating in new passions of some variety is the answer for us, the way to get done with the pain of loss. We can't know now what those will be; wanting them is even a hard step.

One thing: please remember that there is a world of difference between them feeling regret, and being capable of behaving differently. My ex has regret about the mounting losses in his life, but even when he has a chance to fix and repair, his defense mechanisms sabotage what is good. He's just not able to treat intimate partners well and show up in a relationship well over time. Like your guy.

 

[Grey Kitty]

Things like this show that detaching is a process, and that there are still a lot of powerful and raw emotions tied to your ex. (Yeah, I've got some too. Sigh.)

It is somewhat eroding your negative self-talk
... .
I have a gnawing sense that the chance to love and be loved will not come again, and that makes this one especially hard to swallow.

That you are too old, and will never have another chance at love is just another part of this negative self-talk, even if it doesn't center all that closely around your ex. P&C, you sound a lot more clear regarding him or a r/s with him compared to a while ago.

I suspect this kind of negative talk is only as true as you believe it to be, perhaps less so.

FYI, I personally met a couple around the time they totally in love at ages 79 and 80 respectively. Or maybe it was a year earlier at 78 and 79. And this was despite his relationship history (which I know little of!) and the fact that she was kinda separated from a messed up but very long marriage that I never heard any more details of. And yes, they were incredibly sweet together!

I'm not quite ready for a r/s today, but I sure hope to find an amazing 40ish~50ish woman in the not-to-far future, so it really isn't too late!

[Herodias]

That's good news Grey Kitty. Yes, I think it's a bit harder when your older - but not out of the question. Hopefully a bit more mature emotionally. I cannot ask any of my exes exes since I am the first real relationship. He dated a few girls but never very long. One of them his mother said he was abusive toward mentally. Another one was a heroin addict and the one before me was 18 and he was her first relationship. He was 25. His high school girlfriend became a lesbian. None of them long or serious. I met him at 25 and now he's 35. He used to make fun of my age and try and make me feel old. Not very nice when you tell someone you love them. I felt like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher since it was around the same time frame. We see how that turned out too. Now I've wasted more time, but I've learned allot the hard way.

[lovenature]

If we have healthy self esteem and respect, we can open our hearts to love from an emotionally healthy, mature partner.
I believe age is just a number, what really matters is how you feel.