First post

[Greta1988]

Hello, this is my first post.  I have been in Al-Anon for almost 13 years.  My mum stopped drinking 19 years ago.  I discovered about a year ago that she displayed most of the BPD traits, I was relieved and overjoyed, it all made sense.  I wanted to leave Al-Anon but now realise its still valuable to me.  I have brought the Eggshells book and the later one about new techniques and loving a borderline.  I work my Al-Anon program hard but I get stuck on our little plays - getting upset then my mum asking what on earth is wrong and then everything goes back to normal.  We had an incident on my 40th birthday, 3 months ago.  I was worn out and decided I couldn't do another 40 years.  They've seen the grandkids once a fortnight since then, which has worked OK.  Christmas is coming and it makes me upset and anxious that I'm not doing the usual things with mum (my husband gently reminds me the 'usual' things also make me upset and anxious).  Over the years I've set limits, including a 14 month break where I made it my mission to get mum to admit her shortcomings... .it didn't work.  I always go back and we sweep it under the carpet.  Mum truly believes there is nothing wrong with her conduct and asks when her real daughter will return.  Everyone around her has left or mum has cast them out, she has cut off contact for my dad's relatives, there are two siblings that see her regularly left but they struggle and don't have a support network like I do.  I know the 3C's and know she's not well, but what happens now, where is the way forward?   

[MrWtn1978]

Welcome!

You are describing exactly what many of us feel!  I also have an uBPDm.  She is also a Licenced Clinical Counselor - so you can't tell her anything, she is the expert!  She would explode if she knew I suspected she has BPD!

The classic BPD refuses to admit they have it, or any shortcomings!  They have to be right, out of fear of abandonment.  Yet, in my case, the obsessive trying to prove they are right is what makes me WANT to abandon her.  We have had minimal contact in the last 9 months after a blowup over her enabling towards my drug-addict brother.  Even though over the last 5+ months I have told her that they are both adults and can do what they want, we need to agree to disagree on that topic.  She won't let it go.  Next time she brings it up I will not take the bait and tell her, topic is over, move on.  I have tried to deal with our relationship issues, as she was super enmeshed with me.  She gets terribly hurt feelings, falls into victim or defensive mode when trying to respond to my issues with her.  Or she will ignore me for months, even in the same room (we live over 2 hours apart, so first time in months of seeing her and she refuses to make eye contact at 1 foot away from me.  She claims I refuse to listen to her side of the story, when her side of the story is ALL she talks about. 

I have pretty firm boundaries.  We won't discuss issues face to face (this is killing her).  We need to settle some issues before being comfortable hanging out for family time.  I have given her my issue categories: I can't give her as much Time, intimacy or approval as she wants.  So she says (to others) that she won't have anything to talk to me about other then the weather.  She talks to anyone who will listen about how disrespectful we are (my sisters and BIL joined in the confrontation with my parents), how we are shunning them and blackmailing them, withholding the grandchildren, etc... .  It doesn't matter how much you try to explain where you're coming from, she doesn't get it.

Where I find my peace is reading books (Stop walking on eggshells, and surviving a boarderline parent, are the two I have read), journaling and drawing.  It really helps me settle what my issues are, or why a specific thing is bothering me.  I also have been in weekly counseling for 6 months, and now go 1x/month.  When I have guilt or doubts due to the most recent email I receive, I journal.  I write down what my emotions are, what I hear her saying (since sometimes it is between the lines), and then I speak truth into it.  This really helps get me feeling better.

Think about what boundaries you need to set with your mom.  Do you need a giant time out from her to heal?  Is AlAnon enough? (I know for plenty of people it is, but the Alcohol issue and the BPD issue and not exactly the same so it might help to talk with someone experienced in this)  I know the holidays trigger a lot of things, and there is guilt if you don't participate with her, yet will probably have lots baggage if you do.  Is there a way to do a get together where you limit the time with her or the conversation topics?  Listen to your spouse, sometimes they can see how this affects you in ways that you yourself don't realize. 

Hang in there!  We are all learning and growing through the process too!  This is a place to realize you are not alone, and gain support!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Greta1988:

I'm sorry about your situation with your mom. I'm glad that you have found assistance with Al-Anon.  People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to have periods of dysregulation, so it is common for them cause a scene, and then act as if nothing ever happened a few days later.

Everyone around her has left or mum has cast them out, she has cut off contact for my dad's relatives, there are two siblings that see her regularly left but they struggle and don't have a support network like I do.  I know the 3C's and know she's not well, but what happens now, where is the way forward?

 

It can be a challenge to set boundaries, and Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is common.  You can only be responsible for yourself and you can learn communication tools to help you with the way you interact with you mom and to manage your reactions.  Sometimes, the road to sanity is to stay firm with boundaries.  Boundaries are for you.

The links below can be helpful: (Click on the green words)
FOG
BOUNDARIES

This link below leads to a directory of lessons.  Find the reference number of something that interest you, and it will help you find the specific lesson in the Workshop Board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296645.0

This is a safe place to share.  It's good to have others to learn from and share with.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Greta1988! I just wanted to add my welcome 

I've heard Al-Anon can be very helpful for those of us who have parents with BPD. There is a lot of overlap in the issues we face. I'm glad you have been finding the program helpful. The 3Cs especially are useful--you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Have you ever talked with a professional counselor about the cyclical problems you experience in your relationship with your mother? Breaking a cycle will require you to change some ingrained thoughts and behaviors. 

Of course, learning new ways of doing things can be uncomfortable, so it's perfectly understandable that you'd be feeling anxious about doing Christmas differently this year. It sounds like your husband has some wise words about considering that you were anxious about the way you used to do them, too. Many of us feel great discomfort initially when we begin taking care of our own needs and boundaries. We have been taught that we are supposed to take care of our parents' needs first and foremost, so we fear the consequences of looking after ourselves.

The way forward will be largely up to you. What are your needs? What steps do you need to take in order to feel supported and safe? It can be really helpful to have some one-on-one professional support while discerning what's next, so reaching out to a therapist can be a good step. I hope you'll check out some of the resources NaughtyNibbler recommended, and get back to us. We're glad you're here.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Notwendy]

Hi Greta- I have found 12 step groups to be helpful dealing with my own co-dependency being raised by BPD mom. I've attended ACA- which is also addresses adult children of dysfunction. I would say- if Al Anon is helping- then let it help you. It is one of the possible ways people in families with dysfunction seek support.

The comment " when is the real daughter" returning resonates with me. The idea of boundaries with my mother was foreign to me. I wasn't allowed to have them. The "rule" in my family was let mother do whatever she wants when she wants and don't rock the boat". I was also an adult with my own family when I realized I could set boundaries and I did. My mother was not happy about this ( as expected). My father told me " I wish we could have our happy family back".

Happy? what happy family? I assume that my compliance made them happier, but not me. I realized that - they were not thinking about if I was happy.

They maybe wanted their "real daughter" back but that "real daughter" was not real because to them, she was an reflection of what they wanted me to be.

The real daughter is the one who is true to herself. You can be that daughter.

[Greta1988]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome!  I did read them a few days ago but wasn't able to reply at the time.  Your words have given me much comfort over Christmas and lots to reflect on; Recognising that Alcoholism and BPD are different, therefore needing different types of help; the Fear Obligation Guilt concept; discomfort taking care of my own needs and the 'happy family' illusion.

I thought I could group Alcoholism in with this disorder but now know its a different kettle of fish entirely, I am looking into seeing a therapist now.  The FOG really gets a grip on me and over Christmas I felt an immense sadness wash over me as I was thinking of my mum and step dad all alone on Christmas Day. I also felt very tense just waiting for something to blow up (nothing did).  I called them so the girls could say thank you for their presents but they didn't pick up so they left a voice message. 

That leads on to the discomfort of taking care of my own needs, it feels so alien and 'wrong'!  I am not used to it.  I have a friend who said I deserve to lead a full and fun life but I still feel on one level its my mission to work mum out and solve this problem. I didn't see mum over Christmas but I knew it was the right thing to do, taking care of my needs to enjoy Christmas with my husband and kids. I am trying to give up the happy families game because, like you say NotWendy, that made everyone else happy but us!

I will try your suggestions because I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I just want to wake up each day and not carry my heavy backpack, I want a lighter load and to wear a genuine smile on the face.  Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply to it, this is a lovely place.

     

[Janneke]

Greta, I think that taking care of your own needs will feel better and "right" with more practice. You had a nice compromise of letting the girls phone.

You said you feel it is your mission to "solve the problem" but I'm not sure that's possible (unless the person wBPD really wants to change).

[P.F.Change]

I just want to wake up each day and not carry my heavy backpack, I want a lighter load and to wear a genuine smile on the face. 

It gets lighter and lighter the more you learn to stop agreeing to carry other people's "stuff." 

I'm encouraged by your attitude and think it's great you're considering therapy. That kind of support really helped me a lot. Learning that you deserve to take care of you will feel strange for a while, and then you will feel strong. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Keep us posted.

[Greta1988]

Thank you for your posts Janneke and P.F. Change, I had my first session with a therapist today!  It went well and I am starting to put aside my constant high emotions to see the logic of my situation; mum displays behaviours that point to BPD but I don't need to react to everything she does because its not about me. 

My kids visited my mum on New Years Eve and we were a little late as we overslept.  I let her know we would be a little late by text.  When we arrived my mum assumed that pick up would be a little later too and stated her displeasure.  I said we would pick up at the same time.  She was not happy, but we had a party with other family at home later than avo so we couldn't change the time.  I didn't explain myself (as I usually do), just repeated what the pick up time was and walked to the car.  With new knowledge of BPD I was able to translate her words, what she really meant was, 'I miss the grandkids and I want to spend as much time as possible with them, I don't want to lose them'.  Knowing that her words are threatening but the meaning of them isn't, (in fact the opposite) is a great comfort.  I felt much calmer, it was like I was able to understand an alien visitor!  A small success amid the chaos but I'll hold onto it as tightly as I can.

[P.F.Change]

Wow, Greta1988, thanks for sharing that experience. It sounds like you had some good tools in your belt and handled the situation well.  I'm also glad that therapy is off to a good start for you. Keep up the good work, and please let us know how things are going.