It is okay to hate the disorder but it is not her fault. She is broken.
Thank you for helping me over this hump. This is what I needed. I just finished talking through this same problem of anger with my mom, and we reached the same conclusion. My anger has been scattered. Several times I asked, "What is the object of my anger?" I had to admit that sometimes I am the object of my own anger. I'm furious at myself for having ignored the red flags, for having put myself in this miserable position. More often, though, my ex has seemed like the object of my anger. But I see now what you mean when you say that it's not her fault. My mom put it like this: "It's the disorder that prevents you from having a relationship with her." At those words, I felt a great weight lift from me. I can rage about the disorder all I want, free of guilt and confusion. The guilt only came in when I was getting angry at her.
I am grateful for your help and for this whole board.