New and sad

[VandMe]

Hi all- hope your holidays have been better than mine!  Over the years I've learned that I have codependency issues, which would explain how I've ended up married to a BPD husband.  The holiday weekend has been terrible- I've spent most of 3 days alone and crying on tranquilizers.  Today has only gotten worse.  I've been basically holding it all for the holidays, mostly for the sake of not reacting and giving him what he wants and ending up in a blow out fight.  But today I couldn't do it anymore.  He's been accusing me of 'leaving him' to go out shopping for things for our new home, and then two nights, one being Xmas, he says he 'has to go out' and leaves me home alone and turns his location off on his phone.  I have no one else here, really. We just moved across the country, his idea that became a shared dream.  I made it happen for him and he decides last minute when I have a job and everything, he doesn't want it anymore.  So now I'm to blame for 'making him come here'. Yet when he's back east he just wants to come back. And when he's here he just wants to go home.  I am isolated across the country for him, and I am the evil one.  So now he's threatening to go back east and not return.  Being east alone he will ABSOLUTELY use, and probably end up dead.  Which is, of course, what he says he wants.  Today the brawl began because I wanted to return something to the store & he wasn't ready to go & started some drama and I just said, 'I am not doing this today.  I am leaving and you can talk to me when you calm down.' So he took the keys and told me to walk.  With the 60lb item to be returned. So I stayed in a separate room.  Then it's either/both 'why are you still here- leave and don't come back', and 'of course you stay in another room because just like I said, you don't want to be with me'. 
At some point he threw things at me and shoved me. Then he comes and embraces me and tells me how much he loves me.  He says, 'here, you can take the car if you need to go put'. So I say I will in a little bit.  His response is to punch the refrigerator in anger and say he can't believe me- I really do want to leave him.  There is no winning.  There is no even sane level.  I vow to just keep my mouth shut.  The response to that is that our marriage clearly isn't working, he regrets it, etc... .and he left his ring on the counter, turned down al our photos and went into the bedroom and grabbed his bottle of pills.  I am now crying in a parking lot somewhere.  I can't. I love him to death. I can sometimes see that scared & hurt child I'm him.  But what can I do? Even just making moves to preserve myself cause major conflict.  I feel so trapped and helpless.  Yet still I would never leave him.  Although today he claimed many times he wanted divorce and for the first time ever I told him it's not what I want, but you do what you need to- that's on you.  I really just need some support. I need to know I'm not crazy and I'm not so completely and utterly alone as I feel.  He laughs when I tell him I feel alone.  Any tips, understanding, anything. I am open to all comments.  Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry that you are suffering. I have been there and t really hurts. I wish I had some solid advice but I don't tonight I am afraid. There are excellent people and lessons to be found here. You are not alone. If you look to the right -> there are several lessons that might help you to reduce the conflict until you figure out a longer term solution.

Meanwhile I didn't want you to think you are alone. We are here and we understand. Keep posting and keep reading. You are going to get through this.

Hugs.     

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi VandMe:  

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  You have certainly had some stressful events.  Moving for anyone is stressful, but for someone with BPD, it likely brought on his bad behavior.  You mentioned that he will likely "use" if he is East and alone.  What is he likely to use?  :)rugs?

I've learned that I have codependency issues, which would explain how I've ended up married to a BPD husband. We just moved across the country, his idea that became a shared dream.  I made it happen for him and he decides last minute when I have a job and everything, he doesn't want it anymore.  So now I'm to blame for 'making him come here'.  I have no one else here, really.

Being east alone he will ABSOLUTELY use, and probably end up dead.

. . .At some point he threw things at me and shoved me. Then he comes and embraces me and tells me how much he loves me

. . . . I feel so trapped and helpless.  Yet still I would never leave him.  Although today he claimed many times he wanted divorce

I really just need some support. I need to know I'm not crazy and I'm not so completely and utterly alone as I feel.  

Sounds like you  moved to a new State.  With all that is going on, I can understand how alone you feel.  It is important for you to stay safe.  It's not okay for him to shove you or get physical with you in any way.  The resources below can be helpful for you.  If you need some place safe to go, the Domestic Violence Hotline below, should be able to help guide you. The link below to "Safety First" can help you with a Safety Plan.

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
www.thehotline.org/

SAFETY FIRST
SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

Please update us on your situation, when you can.   

[VandMe]

Thank you both for replying. Your words of kindness and encouragement help me feel less alone.  I finally did go out for about 2 hours and got a little peace out shopping just interacting with normal people.  I had hoped when I came home things would be a little different but no such luck. Maybe a little calmer, but he's taken the car key back again and berated me for spending money. It's so hard because he's not working right now and everything we have is because of me.  Unfortunately just before we moved my 2013 car broke down and I've had to use his so I guess that's the only power he can hold over me.  I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow- assuming I won't have to suddenly figure out public transportation for the 35 mile trip.  I will definitely check into the articles on the right.  I've worked in mental health and read a lot about the disorder.  Learning is what actually helps me most and keeps me calm.  Thank you again

[drained1996]

Hi VandMe,

I'd like to join Hope and Nibbler in welcoming you here.  You've found a place of supporting people who understand.  Nibbler is right about putting your safety first.  Physical confrontation is not something to be taken lightly.  In your post, it comes across as you are aware of that... .following up Nibbler's links and actually calling and talking to someone I think would be a good idea for your own peace of mind.  Certainly can't hurt anything... .after all, you're just calling to talk and get some support and feedback.  

Hope2727 made note of the tools and lessons in the upper right margin of this page.  One thing many of us have learned is we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  These tools and lessons are a guide to help us do exactly that.  
Have you seen or thought about seeing a therapist to help guide you through this situation?  Many of us have found a professional to be worth their weight in gold in our own journey.  
Has there been a history of physical confrontation between you two?
Do keep us updated.  We are here to walk with you.  

[Tattered Heart]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. My uBPDh and I just moved also and it triggered a lot of dysregulation. My biggest concern for you right now though is the amount of control your pwBPD is exerting and your safety. It sounds like you are completely isolated which increases the chances of DV. It sounds like he may even be working up to that, especially if punching things is normal for him.

When I see that my husband is going through frequent dysregulation phases, starts setting me up for failure, or begins ramping up his aggression, I leave the key in the car or carry it on my person. I also keep some cash hidden in my car because my H new thing is to hide my purse when thinks I will leave. Could you make a copy of the car key next time you are out by yourself? This will always leave you an escape. Please please read the information on Safety First.

The first time you leave in the middle of a rage is very scary, but it gets easier once you do it.

[VandMe]

Thank you for the support, it really does help.  I'm not so concerned about DV because I know when push comes to shove, no pun intended, he would never really do anything to hurt me.  When he shoved me I could see the thought process on his face - he wanted to do something to shock me, but not actually hurt me.  He paused and I could literally see him putting the thought into it of like, 'what can I do to get her attention/upset her/piss her off, without taking it too far'.  Any time we've been having better times and just playing around, it he's ever unintentionally hurt me he freaks out.  I probably sound nuts, but I really do trust that he wouldn't physically hurt me.  He would take it out on other objects or himself.  Now as far as emotionally hurting me, that's a whole other story... .  I would love to find a therapist and its moved to the top of my to-do list.  Its slightly challenging since we've just moved and I've just started a new job so I don't have insurance yet.  But I'm sure there are resources available and I intend to find them.  It helps to realize that moving has been a trigger for others and I know he has other stresses associated with it.  I usually calm down when I can understand where things are coming from, but sometimes its just so frustrating that my needs and stresses are never of any concern.  Moving and starting a new job is stressful for me too, but I don't have anyone to recognize that for me.

[drained1996]

Hi VandMe, have you had a chance to look over the tools and lessons in the right margin of the page yet?  Using them isn't going to fix him, but putting some of the suggestions to use can help improve your situation. 
We're happy to hear that understanding the move could be a trigger it has helped calm you down a bit.  Also a good thing that you're going to look into therapy.  Mine was tremendously helpful.  Dealing with traumatic situations is very mentally, emotionally and physically draining... .hence... .my user name.  I've felt your pain before. 
We are here.   

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY VandMe:

I'm glad to hear you plan on seeking some therapy.  Many members find that interacting here, in conjunction with therapy, can be a winning combination.

When he shoved me I could see the thought process on his face - he wanted to do something to shock me, but not actually hurt me.  He paused and I could literally see him putting the thought into it of like, 'what can I do to get her attention/upset her/piss her off, without taking it too far.

.

Many women have thought their SO really didn't want to hurt them, only they ended up dead or severely injured.  The control and feelings he has, during a good mood and horse play, versus an episode of dysregulation, are different.  It is best to plan for the worst situation and then hope for the best. It can't hurt to have a safety plan in place.  It is, also, a good idea to plan on using strategies to minimize conflict and perhaps taking a time out, when indicated.

It might be helpful to read the following on "How to Escape, Take a Time Out"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

[Lockjaw]

The problem with a BP is they don't really get boundaries like a normal person. So... .he may not look at pushing you like a normal person would.

I will give you some examples. My BP GF has put her hand over my mouth when I was speaking to her. She has taken my phone away from me. She has pushed me aside in my own house. Sometimes when she is upset she gets more in my face.

All of these things are boundary "infractions" for lack of a better word. And in my case, because I am a guy, it puts me in a position of having a snap "reaction" to what she has done. Instinct in other words could trigger fight or flight. If I don't have a place to go, then the only reaction instinct would leave me is fight.

So what I do now is say to her, do not touch my phone, I removed her hand and said do not do that to me, and walked away. If she gets to close to me and she is heated, I tell her to back away. I have to be diligent to make myself stay in control.

One thing else for you. i see you mentioned that he would use. That is HIS PROBLEM, it is not YOUR PROBLEM. It is his choice. It is a power play, just like if he said if you leave he would kill himself. As cold as this sounds, that is ON HIM! You need to make sure you do what is best for you.

I'd make a copy of the key as someone suggested. And I would make sure I had stuff I could grab and go in a hurry.

[VandMe]

Thank you, your responses are all very much appreciated!  I'm getting to reading little by little- like now whenever I have downtime at work.  Its not as practical for me to read at home, for obvious reasons.  Of course yesterday he was a whole different person, back to his 'normal' self.  Its those times when things get back to normal that I become complacent because things are okay in the moment.  I have to really discipline myself to continue seeking information and help even during the 'calm' times.  But I guess that's my first step, recognizing that I do that and making an effort to correct it. 
In response to other things, he will be away for a week or so in the upcoming month so I will definitely take advantage of that time to make extra keys for myself and set up a small 'emergency' bag, for any time where I feel like I just need to get away for a little bit while he calms down.  As far as the boundaries and shoving, I made it very clear that that is not acceptable, but its something I'm going to address during more 'normal' times and try to set boundaries then.  As in something like, 'if you shove me or put your hands on me again in that way, all contact will end and I will leave the house for whatever amount of time'.  Telling him in the moment when it occurs I am sure will not work, it will only provoke him further.  But setting that ahead of time makes sense to me.
My last concern is what was said about his using not being my fault.  I get that, I really do.  I've told him in other situations, 'hey, if you make that choice, its your choice, not mine.  I am not responsible for your decisions to do/not do whatever it may be'.  The only glitch in that is that while I may not be to blame for his decisions, those decisions affect me.  That's the part of  it I have trouble with.  I know its not up to me, I have zero control over the situation, but I WILL end up affected by it.  I really struggle with things like that.

[Tattered Heart]

As far as the boundaries and shoving, I made it very clear that that is not acceptable, but its something I'm going to address during more 'normal' times and try to set boundaries then.  As in something like, 'if you shove me or put your hands on me again in that way, all contact will end and I will leave the house for whatever amount of time'. 

Could I suggest a little tweak in wording. I've tried to word things this way and even though we were during a normal phase, it threw things into dysregulation.

Try to make the boundary about you and not about him. Instead of saying "when you shove me... ." try saying something instead like, "I do not like to be pushed. When I am pushed I will have to make sure I am safe and will leave the house and will return when X happens"

[VandMe]

Yes! Thank you for the suggestion!  I'd definitely like to air on the safe side of things so that sounds good - thank you!

[Herodias]

I have to agree with what people are telling you- I went through the same type of things- I never thought mine would do what he did. They test you to see how much you will take- he seems confused. May have a gf in the east. Ill ask you what a therapist asked me- why are you in this? Think long and hard. There is nothing you can do when they get like this- except remain calm and that can make them mad too. So sorry for you- it's the worst feeling I know!