jade907
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5
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« on: January 02, 2017, 12:39:34 AM » |
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Hello all,
Where do I begin. I have recently extricated myself from a 4 year relationship with an individual with BPD and narcissistic tendencies.
I divorced him in 2015 after things got so bad in our relationship, that I no longer felt safe combining my assets with him, my home and safe space, my heart. But as it always did happen in our relationship, the moment I took a step away, set a boundary, he became the man I knew when I met him. Kind, warm, charming. Everything that I so desperately wanted from him when we were together. And like clockwork, I fell for his sweet words, tumbling into the fantasy that I so desperately wanted to be true. Despite the divorce, it just proved to be paper and more ammo for him to hold over my head. To make me feel like a quitter. Someone who flees when things get rough. And I couldn't walk away. Maybe because of pride, or maybe fear, but I kept trying to figure it out with him. To change my own behavior, to manage our disagreements in a way that was calm and collected and non-reactive. To forgive him and try to trust he had my best interest at heart because I was "too distrusting", "too fixated on what has happened in our past"; it was me who was holding us back from moving forward. And the cycle began again.
How many times in the nights I spent alone with him out doing who knows what, did I ask myself, "does this man cherish you? Does this man protect you? Does this man even love you?". And the answer was always a resounding "No". Yet hope, this invisible thing that pulls you in so close, fills you with a sense of relief, a sense of safety, would always bring me back. Hope, that this man, this man that I have loved since the moment I laid eyes on him, was not actually the man who broke my heart over and over. Used my vulnerabilities like ammo against me. Offered me a cold shoulder when I needed him the most. Abused my boundaries and belittled my ambitions. Vandalized my image to all his friends and family. Broke into my home and threatened me, and told me that I had pushed him to that. That this man was not the man that I now shared a bed. That the real one, the real man who held my heart in his palm, was somewhere inside. And that there was hope I could find him.
But the truth is he is not there. That man was an illusion. And in this, I think that is one of the hardest things. I miss that man, I miss him with such an ache that I can feel it in my bones. And even though I know it is done, and I am so angry at him, so hurt and raw and brittle and I want to be free of him; I still find him behind my eyelids when I fall asleep. I feel him and his warmth against me, I hear his honey laughter in the corners of my mind. I feel the curve of his smile against my own lips, and remember how it felt to be "loved" by him. A shadow in my mind and I hold onto him, I grasp for him and when I wake up and see that I am alone, sometimes I just want to cry. And I feel sick, because I am crying for a man who never even existed. Not really. Only when he felt he was losing me, would that man visit. But the rest of the time in reality, the man I offered my heart to was cruel, and hard, and undeserving.
So here I am. I am at a place in my life finally, that I know it is done. And finally, I am actually okay with that. Every day without contact is a step forward. Every day that I find that he has not crossed my mind as consistently, is improvement. But it is those days that I find myself stuck, questioning myself, wondering how I will ever love someone like that again, are the days that I need help with. Validation. Validation that indeed this man is not someone I could have provided support for, acted differently, loved in a different way, been less sensitive to-- validation that it was not me who destroyed us, but instead was me who stepped away and saved herself from something that was not manageable. Not repairable.
So in 2017, I am reaching out to those who have gone through something similar. I am trying to educate myself, fill myself with knowledge and understanding of what I went through, to process it and move forward from it, and allow myself to. To forgive myself for not being able to save our marriage. Forgive myself for not respecting myself enough to walk away sooner. And finally, to forgive him, because I have to believe, I have to really try to have faith in the fact that what I needed from him, he could and would never be able to provide. Not because he didn't wanted to, or didn't loved me, but because he was not capable. I have to believe this, because in this, I know that there is no hope with him. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope that someone else will cherish me in the way that I need, and I won't have to apologize for ever asking for it again.
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