My wife has just been diagnosed with BPD after a year in which she had 2 affairs and driven me to near-suicide.
Hi Jack Rabbit, and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry to read about your suffering. It's devastating to lose a relationship and life plan in that way. You're in the right place to learn about the relationship dynamics and make sense of what's happened, hear others' stories, and to begin healing.
I am still signed off work but go back next week, and this weekend I move into my own place.
No doubt there will be difficult and painful moments as you move on, but in time I'm sure you'll come to see the positive in regaining a routine and laying the foundation for a new stage in life.
I feel that my wife's diagnosis goes some way to explain why she has done what she has done, but I do not feel that it excuses it.
It can be a real struggle to balance understanding why a person acts a certain way with still holding them responsible and accountable for their behaviour. In the long run, understanding and compassion can help us move on without bitterness and resentment. But, as you say, a diagnosis doesn't excuse a person's behaviour, especially if she can see the damage she's doing and makes no real effort to change.
In any case, once we've made the decision (or had the decision made for us) to begin detaching, the question of "understanding vs holding responsible" becomes secondary to the question of our own healing. It can be a long process to shift the focus from our ex's painful behaviour to our own needs, desires, hopes, plans, etc, moving forward. It can help to begin thinking about the kind of life you would like to build for yourself, what a fulfilled life looks like to you. But don't put any pressure on yourself to move forward at any given pace. It can take time to stop ruminating about the past, and in the end we need however much time we need to let some things go. So give yourself lots of time to heal. There is some helpful information on stages of detachments on the right side of this page ------->
Here is another helpful article:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
It is all overwhelmingly sad.
I can relate to this feeling. Time will help tremendously, even if some days we feel stuck or like we've been backsliding. I can promise you that time and emotional distance will eventually work wonders. And you'll learn a lot if you take the time to observe yourself through the healing process. Be good to yourself along the way. Do you have close friends you can lean on? How is your relationship with your children now? I take it you have to interact with your wife at least with respect to parenting? How are managing that?
Keep posting and reading here. I think you'll find it can be a great help along the way.
