Setting a boundary caused him to 180 - don't get it

[thefarside]

So I'm in the divorce process and the soon to be ex hired an attorney that behaves just as badly as he does at his worst.  It was SO hard on me I eventually had to send an email setting a boundary telling him what I will do (talk about kids) and what I won't do (talk about anything else).  I gave a few specific examples of why - how I had felt based on things he had done.  I had talked with my therapist several times about how to handle it, and that's not the part I want to discuss, just pertinent information.

He ignores my email by never responding which I totally expected because that's him, always has been, if he doesn't want to talk about something he ignores it (or 39 other avoidance tactics).  However, he flips directions from a@@holeville to nice guy like WHAT THE HELL.  And it was practically overnight.  One month he's telling me via his lawyer he "can't afford" spousal support (I've had no career for 16 years as we have moved all over for his very successful career and he makes plenty) AND asking me to pay his lawyer fees (little more to the story but employed I'm not because of him/his career)... .then after I send that email, he texts me saying "I paid a medical bill of yours.  It's no big deal just want to know if you need me to send you a copy?"  What?  He won't even pay all the normal bills!  He wants me to burn up what savings I have, then says something like that?  And did it again recently with something else.  "Oh I accidentally transferred your monthly deposit for x to come out of my account... not sure how that happened ... no big deal, I'll get it sorted out."

What am I missing in his BPD world?  What's the name for what he's doing?  It mattered last month!  Those payments will matter again later!  I don't trust him!  I just can't figure out the big picture right now of what he's doing.  I'm too close in and can't get a perspective.

[gotbushels]

Hi thefarside  

Boundaries are hard. From what I understand about focusing conversations with pwBPDs, the boundary you're attempting sounds easy but it can be very difficult.

Recall that boundaries are usually for the interests of the enforcer. That is, in your case, it focuses the discussion where you want it to go. When a pwBPD is asked to do something like adhere to a limit, it's usually a hard thing. Therefore, it's expected you're going to get resistance out of it. Therefore, the "180" you describe makes some sense.

I'd like to help by offering some perspective here. pwBPDs sometimes use the idea of intermittent reinforcement (SWOE, 2010, p.98). This is when a person is rewarded in an unpredictable way for a specific behaviour. The effect is to keep you off your feet, absorbed, and making it difficult for you to step back.

This seems to apply to your story about money. It seems that it's going to be in his interests to keep you guessing about money. This uncertainty and anxiety is consistent with your thoughts here:

What am I missing in his BPD world?  What's the name for what he's doing?  It mattered last month!  Those payments will matter again later!  I don't trust him!  I just can't figure out the big picture right now of what he's doing.  I'm too close in and can't get a perspective.

You seem greatly uncertain and anxious here.

I'm not familiar with where you are in the divorce process yourself, but I think it's important to have looked at this. Have you considered reasonable effort at getting a good attorney for yourself? I think there was a case here where the female getting good legal advice and representation was very rewarding for her. I encourage you to be careful with doing this because it usually requires a budget--be aware that if you have cash difficulties related to the pwBPD, and they become aware of your intentions, then they can potentially make it very hard for you to afford one.

I'd strongly urge you to look at this seriously for yourself. Most people are not equipped to handle a pwBPD, let alone be involved in a legal issue against one.

I hope this answers a few things and things work out for you.  

[Dutched]

You did NOT miss anything. Specially not in a divorce process.

He demanded… hoping for you to give in.
You are setting a boundary… and the hurt child in him becomes visible.
Therefore he wants to be seen again as the good child; informing you in a supportive way.

He basically feels abandonment, needs you, relies on you (yes, still, been there)

As gotbushels mentioned, we are not familiar with where you are in the process.
At the legal section of the board there is great support and to advise.

For now I advise you to watch your back!  Feelings becomes facts to pwBPD!
Do not inform him about anything anymore in your life
Do not tell others about the process, as it might get to him eventually
Document everything
Safeguard all important documents (mortgage, insurances, retirement, etc)
Change all your passwords 
Get a separate bank account
Make photos of everything in your house, document.
Items of great emotional value (inherited, from your parents, etc) are at a safe place if possible (that is where he will try to hurt you…
Explain and make it sure to your lawyer that it most likely won’t be a standard procedure

Really stick to your interests, keep up you boundaries and argument with facts only.

Facts… as you have them documented!
He MADE and WILL MAKE 'facts' out of his feelings, but are legally worthless.