How do you communicate when you need support from someone who has BPD?

[vibratinghigher]

I am curious what the best way is to elicit support from a partner with BPD, and how to communicate my feelings about that not happening in a way that isn't accusatory/won't set him off. 

I have had a couple of events recently that were emotionally challenging for me. A couple of weeks ago, my mom fell. While other friends called throughout the day to see how she was and how I was, he didn't follow up after our initial 4-text conversation.

I let it go.

This morning, I didn't think I could attend an event that I was speaking at, due to weather. He said he'd pray for me to be able to go (his way of being supportive, I know) but then I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. When I texted to see how his day was, he told me. He was in a great mood but didn't even ask what happened - if I'd been able to go, how it was, etc. I'd been looking forward to this event for months, which he knew.

I am new to this message board tonight. My husband lives in a different state. I have learned a lot the past few days about how to deal with conflict - but how do I get my needs met? Or do I just have to accept that this just isn't going to be that relationship? That maybe he just is not actually capable of empathy?

I almost reached out in ways I felt were positive, but I know now that I how I word it may not even make a difference. Even if I'm focused on me, my feelings, my needs and state it as positively as possible, chances are it will set him off and I prefer to deal with my feelings than invite drama, especially when I'm going to see him for the first time in months in a few days.

I'm working on the acceptance part. But I want a partner who... .feels like a partner. And I know I deserve that.

Any advice would be greatly welcome. I'm already pretty checked out of this marriage emotionally and just figured out he has BPD/have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells this past week.

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[Swhitey]

Hi vibratinghigher,

It is a very sad, lonely and defeating feeling to think that you cannot (and may not) have your needs met by the person you love. The one person you have chosen and want to receive support and validation for how you feel. Especially when you have likely been supportive to his needs in the past.

I too have come to a similar realization that it is very rare and unlikely that my partner can give me the support I need, when I need it. In the past when I express a need, it quickly spirals out into conflict and my need is cast away and it becomes all about her and what I do to cause her pain. I am getting better at not losing my cool when it hurts, but ultimately, the pain experienced is the same.

I've noticed and observed for others here on the board that: empathy is hard for pwBPD and other structures like C-PTSD, as these individuals are easily dysregulated emotionally and/or are in constant emotional pain.

My advice:

1) Continue posting and sharing your experiences here. I can attest to the support from board members is very encouraging and has filled a bit of the void left from not receiving the support I so desperately seek from my partner.

2) Read through the lessons on the right of the page, there are some excellent resources that you can learn and practice. I have found it to be helpful for me to take charge and learn of my own emotions and identify where I have been contributing to the dysfunction of the relationship.

What I have come to understand is that I can only change my behaviors to the situation, as long as they are in line with my values. For now, I have accepted this as I learn more about what it means to be with someone suffers from a borderline structure.

I feel for you, and I'm sorry that you have pretty much checked out of your marriage emotionally. You DO deserve to have a partner who feels like a partner, and I hope you do get that!

Warmest regards

[Echo87]

I too find that my BPD partner can offer little in the way of emotional support and validation in the way one would expect from a "normal" relationship. I've come to terms with this, and have developed a strong support system outside of my relationship that offers me the support and validation I need. It's definitely no replacement for what I would like to have from my partner but it certainly does help to have support outside of the relationship.

Broaching this topic with your partner will be difficult. As the previous poster stated, empathy is difficult for those with BPD, and suggestion to them that they are failing to meet your needs may cause a spiral into intense feelings of shame.

I do however find that asking for specifics that I need from my partner if I'm having a difficult time to be useful, so long as his emotions aren't currently spiraling out of control. Specifics meaning things such as a quiet night in watching a movie together, a hug, or him to watch the kids so I can go for a walk, have a bath or take a nap.

[Tattered Heart]

but how do I get my needs met? Or do I just have to accept that this just isn't going to be that relationship? That maybe he just is not actually capable of empathy?

This is the one issue that I struggle with most from my uBPDh. I have found that he is extremely uncomfortable with the feelings and needs of others. When I have needs, he sees it as a weakness and wants to attack me for being weak. He has told me several times that he does not understand or know how to respond when I have an emotional need--after all, I"m the one who is emotionally stable and helps support him. It freaks him out to see me vulnerable.

I've learned 2 things:
1. If I want his support, I have to be specific and tell him what I need. Such as, "I'm really stressing about work right now. Can we just hug and will you listen to me talk about it for a little while?" I cannot expect him to know what I want or need in the moment. And he is too wrapped up in whatever is going on with him to ask about something he knows that I've been struggling with.

2. I cannot share with him the things that truly hurt me. I don't think he is capable of handling it OR if I do let him try, his insensitivity hurts so much that I wish I had never said anything. For instance, my sister recently was worried that she had uterine cancer. His response (while I was crying): "That's what she gets for being a liberal." He was trying to be funny, but it was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted validation for my fears and concerns. When I realized I would not get the comfort that I needed form him, I had to find it elsewhere--with friends, in prayer, just spending some time alone to work through the emotions of it.

When my dad died, I had a full year of intense grief. He expected me to be over it within a month. He could not comprehend how my sadness could last so long and he would get angry at me when I would just start to cry over missing him. His way of comforting me was to tell me to get over it. Everyone dies.

[Duped 1]

I couldn't with mine. I tried to get a little validation around how she hurt me and it exploded in my face every time except very early on in idolization or if she thought I was so upset that I might actually end the rs. It's heartbreaking really that we can give so much and they offer so little in return. Very sad