Recent sibling BPD diagnosis; helpful tips/advice to navigate?

[Catherine25]

Hi All,

Based on a number of factors, and that my sister has been referred to a dual diagnosis treatment center, we believe that she has been diagnosed with BPD. I've been reading about the condition for the past two days and it is my sister exactly. Her verbal/emotional abusiveness, unbelieveable rage rants, delusion, lack of accountability, acting like a spoiled brat/entitled, paranoia, etc. are no longer tolerable for me. Personally, I've done nothing but be loving and supportive my entire life, have always had her best interest at heart and this last anger episode was so horrible, so venemous, that I have no other choice but to disengage. There are certain situations where we will have to interact and I'm just keeping it non-emotional and above board.

Our family is in shock as we thought she was dealing with an addiction and needed to grow up. But we're realizing the extent of what we thought we were dealing with is much greater and severe.

She is a complete bully then flips and goes the opposite way. Anyway - I'm sure this is old hat to many here!!!

I would just welcome any advice you had for me or my family. I have to go essentially no contact minus the times that I do now. She's always looking for a fight so I'm trying to just do short, nice, factual responses then back away.

[anon3232]

As with dealing with just anyone, YMMV. It makes a big difference on whether or not she acknowledges her condition and confronts it. If she is working towards improving, then help her on that but also maintain your boundaries. If she isn't working towards improving, then she's much more likely to be a lost cause in which case you should consider cutting your losses.

As for people around her, I'd say go LC if she is being a complete burden. After all, you have to look after yourselves and other loved ones.

[pumpkin2020]

Hello Catherine25,

Reading your post, I felt like you were describing my situation to a T, wow. It is so devastating to come to this conclusion, that you have to disengage, when actually what you want most would be a close relationship with your sibling. 

I don't have any particular advice, beyond of course, take care of yourself, stay close to those who are very supportive so you don't feel too lonely as you experience this loss. 

What's tricky I find is how to manage other family members' responses as you disengage and back away.  They should understand since they've also witnessed these rages and have been on the receiving end of the unacceptable behavior, but not everyone is always on the same page when it comes to cutting ties.

In my case, I have maintained contact, letting my sister initiate and responding when she does, keeping it mainly superficial.  My therapist explained "dosing" to me -- Just hanging with her in small doses, which seems easier for me than completely cutting off.  I also don't find engaging with my sister to be productive whatsoever; trying to reason with her gets me nowhere and actually exacerbates the bad mood.  Seeking help through these support groups, friends and a therapist is also great.

Wishing you strength  ,
-Pumpkin

[Teabunny]

Welcome Catherine 25!

To me it sounds like you're already doing the right thing by limiting contact and learning more about BPD. I'd echo what others are saying, if your sister is willing to work on her behavior that's a sign you might be able to stay in contact, if she isn't willing to be accountable and improve, then her relationships with others will continue to suffer and you may want to keep a distance.

I'd add that you might also benefit from learning how your sister's disordered behavior (and anyone else's disordered behaviors - angry rants, verbal abuse, etc) affected you throughout your life - did you pick up any negative beliefs or unhealthy behaviors because of your family dynamic? If so it might bring relief to try and address anything you may be thinking or doing that is harming you or other healthy relationships you want in your life. Because regardless whether your sister changes or not, you have control over yourself and your future.

Best wishes and luck  as you take the wheel and drive yourself through this shock, metaphorically speaking, and know you aren't alone.

[CC43]

Hi Catherine,

If it's any consolation, I think you have a little bit of good news here.  First, getting a proper diagnosis can be a first step towards getting the right sort of help.  Second, it can help you understand better the dynamic with your sister--even though you've probably figured out a lot already from a lifetime of experience.  Third, BPD is treatable.  The big caveat, though, is that your sister would have to buy into therapy, and commit to the hard work of therapy, because therapy basically IS work.  Things could start to turn around for her pretty quickly if she did that.  The downside?  People with BPD typically think of themselves as victims.  The victim attitude makes them think that everyone else is the source of their own problems.  If that is central to her belief system, then she thinks that everyone else should change, not them.  Worse, she might think that other people should suffer, and be punished, for all the pain and suffering they caused her.  She might spew hateful venom your way, or try to harm you, or try to sabotage you in some way, or try to punish you by cutting you off completely.  Or she might self-sabotage or self-harm, to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do, or seemingly to get your attention.  This is the "fight or flight," trauma-like response to ordinary incidents that tend to be the typical M.O. of BPD sufferers.  I suspect this might sound very familiar to you by now.

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you read these boards, because they have all sorts of helpful advice about how to cope better and how to maintain YOUR sanity.  When dealing with your sister (if she's talking to you right now) is not to JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.  When your sister is "triggered," having a tantrum or otherwise acting out, her brain has been taken over by emotions, and her logical brain isn't thinking straight.  So if you try to JADE, and use logical arguments, not only is she incapable of processing what you're saying, by she's also probably irritated, because she thinks you just don't GET her or HEAR her or UNDERSTAND her.  She thinks you're not on her side, or supporting her, or validating her, when that's what she probably really needs.  Does that make sense?  That's why I find that when a loved one with BPD has an "adult tantrum," typically the best response is to give her an "adult time out."  That way, she gets time and space to cool off.  It's up to her to determine how long that takes.

I can tell you're a great sibling because you're trying to read up on BPD and get a better understanding of it.  She's lucky to have you.