Not easy always being devalued by my H with uBPD.

[JazzSinger]

Even though I’ve decided to stay with my H, it’s a struggle.  Sometimes I feel like running.I daydream about living on my own.    It’s particularly difficult when every opinion I have, about anything, is devalued by him. He’ll praise a stranger on a street, or a YouTuber, on their opinions on random topics, while he criticizes me and gets angry if I don’t agree with him on said topic.  And even if I agree with him, he says I didn’t say it the right way, or I’m not approaching the topic on a high enough level.  It’s  infuriating.

There are times when I can just walk away, or be clear-eyed, seeing his mental illness talking.  At these times, I’m not taking anything personally.  It takes the sting out of his remarks. But I am human.  And I’m opinionated.  It hurts to be stifled, even though I KNOW I can rarely have a balanced, rational conversation with him.

Were it not for my friends, my true voice would rarely be heard and appreciated.  And even after being aware and accepting that he’s mentally ill, at times it’s still unfathomable that he can be so disturbed.   

During the earlier years of our marriage, he was fun to be with. Great to talk to. We were even on the same page, most of the time.  I guess it’s a waste of time to keep looking back, but I can’t believe how much he’s deteriorated. 

Slowly but surely, I’m creating more of a separate life for me. I don’t have a lot of energy at my age, but I try to fill my weeks with getting together with friends, and other activities, so that I can spend less time at home with him. I’m also scheduling another overnight trip, away from home.  I’ve got to.

I guess I’m just venting. 

I don’t have enough money for lawyers, and we don’t have another home, just sitting somewhere, thatI can flee to. I’m retired, and now that I’m in my mid-seventies, I can’t  earn much beyond my fixed income.  We do alright, and we have a lovely place in a high end area. We live in one of the highest real estate markets in the world, and I love it here. But I could never afford to stay here on my own. Sad thing is,  I’d be deliriously happy, just where I am, as I am, if I could stay here and not be married to this mentally ill man.

With all of this, I’m managing quite well, but I do have my days.  I’m grateful that all of you are here. So glad I can vent here.

Jazz
 

[At Bay]

I've been following your efforts to get breaks from him, and I've been posting here off and on since about 2000, for sure in 2003 while I was going to therapy for 4 yrs, and she told me to find things I can look forward to doing for myself-- my home, family, outside interests-- even new ones that take time away from the house, for example, and it was easier back then when I could drive at night and going anywhere except on freeways. I'd hide out in the city library and read in a nicer environment, tend to flowers I'd shop for, go to the gym--make new recipes and collect old cook books (trips to flea markets).Ha.

I'm glad to hear you have some options to do that, and that you enjoyed your trip recently. The music you can enjoy, I understand, as I have an old laptop in my kitchen with some Bose speakers that help me. I especially like the song about a Third Rate Romance that dbpdh overhears although I think that ill-planed adventure is over and he's 76 now. No one wants to be his nurse through convalescence for which he uses me instead.

This forum is very much the place to vent, and has helped me so many times years ago and recently. I'm about to get a break indirectly because h is having knee replacement. surgery, and our son is coming from AZ for 6 days to help out. H has never acted out in front of him.

Do you plan to visit the same friend for your next get-a-way? Would any of my escapes locally help you maybe.

[JazzSinger]

I've been following your efforts to get breaks from him, and I've been posting here off and on since about 2000, for sure in 2003 while I was going to therapy for 4 yrs, and she told me to find things I can look forward to doing for myself-- my home, family, outside interests-- even new ones that take time away from the house, for example, and it was easier back then when I could drive at night and going anywhere except on freeways. I'd hide out in the city library and read in a nicer environment, tend to flowers I'd shop for, go to the gym--make new recipes and collect old cook books (trips to flea markets).Ha.

I'm glad to hear you have some options to do that, and that you enjoyed your trip recently. The music you can enjoy, I understand, as I have an old laptop in my kitchen with some Bose speakers that help me. I especially like the song about a Third Rate Romance that dbpdh overhears although I think that ill-planed adventure is over and he's 76 now. No one wants to be his nurse through convalescence for which he uses me instead.

This forum is very much the place to vent, and has helped me so many times years ago and recently. I'm about to get a break indirectly because h is having knee replacement. surgery, and our son is coming from AZ for 6 days to help out. H has never acted out in front of him.

Do you plan to visit the same friend for your next get-a-way? Would any of my escapes locally help you maybe.

At Bay,

Thanks so much. You definitely understand my dilemma.

Whenever my husband is under the weather, sadly, I rejoice. During these times, he has much less to say, and rarely has much interest in ridiculing me. I guess he’s too self-involved.  So, I can relate to your knee surgery story.

Fortunately, I live in a big city, so,I can walk everywhere.  I meet friends for lunch, I go to shows with them, and I get out on my own, for a cup of tea, or a short walk. I have lots of hobbies I can dig into at home, but I find it’s better to just get away. I even enjoy doctor appointments a lot more! It’s time away from him.

I will do another getaway soon.  I just need another night to myself, in a hotel, but I’ll use my girlfriend as an excuse.  I’ll come back more clear eyed and relaxed, for sure.  He can be exhausting.  I’m happy for the times when he’s behaving normally, but they are few and far between.

We only have ONE hobby we enjoy together — music.  He was a professional musician and music teacher, back in the day, and I’ve been singing all my life. I think it’s the ONLY TIME we have fun together, so I’m grateful for that. Of course, it can’t take away the constant threat of an outburst or disparaging remarks.

I feel your pain. I’m sorry. 

This website, and my therapist, have been blessings to me.

Thanks so much for sharing. 

Jazz