Custody / guardian ad litem

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What is helpful respecting family court is to get a sense of family court's "usual" process.  That is, what is the court's usual starting point for temp orders and the divorce process?  Your lawyer ought to be able to describe how things usually proceed.

In our sorts of protracted cases, it's very important that we get the "least bad" temp order.  Our natural inclination to be "super-fair" won't help us, it won't even gain us points with the court.  All we have to do is ensure we aren't nasty, otherwise just focus on what's best for yourself as parent and for your children.

Nearly 20 years ago I separated and divorced.  I lived in a county that defaulted to preference for mothers.  How else can I explain... she was charged with Threat of DV yet a few days later she rushed to family court and filed for possession of our preschooler... and got it for the next two years?  Unimaginable to the average person but my lawyer explained that just because she was not seen as a good spouse didn't mean she wasn't a good mother.  As though she was two people in one?  Also, I had a job and she didn't.

[ForeverDad]

What is helpful respecting family court is to get a sense of family court's "usual" process.  That is, what is the court's usual starting point for temp orders and the divorce process?  Your lawyer ought to be able to describe how things usually proceed.

In our sorts of protracted cases, it's very important that we get the "least bad" temp order.  Our natural inclination to be "super-fair" won't help us, it won't even gain us points with the court.  All we have to do is ensure we aren't nasty, otherwise just focus on what's best for yourself as parent and for your children.

Nearly 20 years ago I separated and divorced.  I lived in a county that defaulted to preference for mothers.  How else can I explain... she was charged with Threat of DV yet a few days later she rushed to family court and filed for possession of our preschooler... and got it for the next two years?  Unimaginable to the average person but my lawyer explained that just because she was not seen as a good spouse didn't mean she wasn't a good mother.  As though she was two people in one?  Also, I had a job and she didn't.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks for the reminder to take "least bad" instead of trying to be fair or win points.  He can be very caring towards the kids but has repeatedly demonstrated his thinking isn't rational and he isolates them when he's with them.  It seems that's ok for the current ~10 hours a week but the more time he gets the less I will be able to offset it with play dates, non-screen time, school activities etc. And the higher the likelihood that his current steps towards employment/independent falter.  He's good at appearing ok, reasonable and caring for short periods but for the last decade there's been an increasing pattern of spells of irrational thinking, emotional overwhelm, struggling with day to day tasks, and overwhelm at interpersonal boundaries.  I don't really want to give him a bunch more time and wait for him to do something bad with the kids.

Our judge doesn't usually love guardians ad litem but he seems to be taking the possibility seriously for our case. He expressed the concern that their recommendations need to be actionable. I think his time with the kids will look generally positive (he's engaged and the kids have fun) other than there's a lot of screens and it's generally isolated to his apartment unless the kids have a scheduled team activity during his parenting time etc.  However if they look at his choice to stay out of the workforce for 9 years, his difficulty re-entering it, his financial decisions, a police report from a few years ago about an outburst, and what I've filed in court about his issues in the past year and prior years, I think it will paint a different picture.

I accept that there's some risk he will get the step up plan he wants, and he may be able to handle it well enough to advance up some steps. I dont think hes going to have an easy time holding it together and establishing his own permanent residence etc, but he may pull it off. Either way I want to have documentation in case another significant episode happens in the future, which seems highly likely. He thinks his problems are handled by reduced or eliminated alcohol use and a new med, and there are some improvements over his most acute time in the past year, but he's still struggling and in denial IMO.

[livednlearned]

If you’d be willing to share a couple books, I’d be grateful! I started Raising Resilient Kids w an NPD/BPD spouse already. Thanks again.

I found Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD/NPD by Bill Eddy really helpful for modeling "flexible thinking, moderate behaviors, and managed emotions." And I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundbergs, especially the section on about asking validating questions, is how I helped my kid learn to respect his own thoughts and feelings, versus what his dad put in his head.

If you start to see signs of parental alienation, Dr. Craig Childress has some good insights even though he's an academic and his writing reflects that. He has some youtube videos that are pretty accessible. In one of them, he talked about the power of laughter when presented with something absurd that a disordered parent says to a child, who shares that tidbit with you.

Richard Warshak's book Divorce Poison was helpful but we didn't have a severe case so I cherry-picked what was helpful. My son's father did a number on him about lying. Apparently everyone was lying about everything, especially me. I remember coming across something about how to help our kids differentiate between lying, withholding, having secrets, forgetting, etc. and that was helpful. A lot of it I did while we watched shows together or when scenarios presented themselves. My son became pretty discerning and still is to this day.

A disordered parent will have poor boundaries and engage in near chronic triangulation, setting up the normal-range parents up as the bad guy and disordered parent as the victim, putting our kids in the role of rescuers. Probably the most important thing I learned was how to neutralize the drama triangle so my son didn't feel like he was saving his dad. It's hard to do that without understanding what's actually happening.

Ex to S11: "Your mom loves the dog more than us."

Later at our house:

S11 to me: "Dad says you love the dog more than us."
Me to S11: "Ouch. Wow. How did you feel when daddy said that?"
S11 to me: "I don't know...it made me feel sad. I felt angry at you. I didn't like that he said it."
Me to S11: "I feel sad too, I'm glad you felt you could share how you felt with me."

I tried to always stay focused on not defending myself so much as making sure S11 felt emotionally safe and heard. It's not easy but over time S11 came to his own conclusions about what felt good and what didn't.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you so much. This is all extremely helpful.

[ParentingThruIt]

One more Q.

So in court we argued, I think in a way that was heard. For a GAL. I’m still waiting for the decision.

This is kind of specific but wonder if anyone has had a case where the BPD didn’t generally direct their worst behaviors (rage/splitting) towards their kids, but had trouble functioning in other areas, like employment and making bigger decisions about the kids. My ex tends to isolate and to isolate the kids with him, and gets overwhelmed by basic social situations. He is not fully employed and hasn’t found permanent housing that he can afford. He would delay / oppose healthcare / mental health care for the kids in ways that was detrimental. I’d you have a conversation with him for more than a few minutes you will likely observe some disordered thinking and possibly some paranoid beliefs. If you observed him with the kids over time you’d notice that he doesn’t take them out much, never does play dates, and avoids many school functions.

But if you only observed an hour or something you might see him being very responsive and attentive, if indulgent, to them.


My biggest worries for his parenting are isolation, difficulty making good decisions on healthcare and extracurriculars due to overwhelm and niche beliefs, and a recurrence of escalated episodes he’s had in the past that got irrational and sometimes physical. He was also abusing alcohol and mixing with anxiety meds and therefore passing out while watching the kids, but denies he’s an alcoholic and doesn’t think he needs an assessment or a program. That behavior could recur but I don’t have any evidence that it’s still happening.

I think the judge has seen enough of him to know something gs wrong but I am not sure how this will translate in an evaluation or custody decision.

Thanks

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks again everyone.

I got the court to order a GAL but it's a general GAL, not a mental health GAL.

It costs over $10k (for us to split).

I'm nervous that I'll spend this money and it won't affect the outcome.
My goal is to get the kids > 50% of the time (because then they are in a neighborhood, have ties to the community, 2 blocks from school, will have playdates, etc).  When they are with their dad they are isolated.

I think the school and other contacts will say that I've been very involved and transparent and he has been minimally involved, but in the past had a presence.  He will say it's my fault he hasn't been involved bc he didn't have custody and I'm a narcissist etc.  There is a police report and some court documents indicating issues in the past. He's also living in a place that far exceeds his income and doesn't seem to have a plan to figure that out, just keeps going deeper into debt. Doesn't seem to interact with anyone besides work (zoom) and his family (also zoom) and then the kids (lots of VR and iPad and video games, occasional trips to a store or to go fishing).

It seems like I should at least give the GAL a shot but I am just afraid of being screwed.

Will take any deep thoughts.

[ForeverDad]

One factor to make known to the GAL is that before being separated he didn't focus on the kids much, but now you're not there to referee or be his whipping boy (if that fits).  So the risk is that going forward, with the dynamic recently changed then the children would be exposed more to his behaviors, or lack thereof.

A second thought... I did pay child support during my two year divorce while the temp order limited me to alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  When it all changed with the final decree stating we had equal time, I had expected my CS to be reduced.  It wasn't, it instead rose.  That was a surprise.  So my point here is that your ex may imagine that if he has more time then he'd pay less CS.  Maybe, but maybe not.  That's a question for your lawyer or you can research how your state's CS calculation sheet works.

Does your temp order state which parent is primary parent when considering schools?  When I exited my divorce one of my terms to settle was that I would be the residential parent for school purposes.  Even my lawyer said it was meaningless.  But that status gave my son stability from K-12.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you. That’s a good point. He is framing it as he had problems because I am so difficult to live with. But as you note I am not sure how he’s going to regulate himself w/o going off on me all the time. I guess so far he’s done it through isolation and controlling his environment. But if he has to re-engage and handle the basic stressors of having kids etc I am not sure how he will balance it. And he’s still living in a furnished place that requires minimal effort /upmeep (not setting up and maintaining an actual household).

He was attentive to the kids except for the last 6 months. But he wasn’t emotionally regulated.

I actually am the breadwinner so on top of all this will have to pay child support and possibly alimony. I think he wants the kids just because he identifies strongly as a dad and does love them. When they were little, I didn’t like the isolation but it wasn’t quite as big of a deal. Now so much of parenting is helping them / giving them freedom, step by step, to engage with the world. That’s going to be hard for him.

Good point on residence for school district. Currently I think he’s supportive of keeping them where they are but who knows what could change in the future.

[ForeverDad]

My ex worked full time before our child was born.  She quit and was starting to do MLM but not even making minimum wage equivalent at the time.  So the lawyers agreed to impute her with minimum wage.  She had been earning more in her prior job but they considered minimum wage a fair compromise.  Over the years she never did divulge what she was earning and I didn't push it.

And though I didn't pay spousal support during the divorce I did pay alimony after the final decree for a few years.

If your ex is reasonably capable of working, then he ought to be imputed income of what he's capable of doing.  Just because he isn't working - or is working less that he could - is no excuse.  Well, unless he's a documented invalid, I suppose.  (Hey, I'm retired but am financially strapped.  If I can find part time work at my age and health, then most anyone can find employment.)

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you!  He is employed but it took 6 months from when we separated and he's making about half what he did before he decided to quit and become a stay at home dad. I'm trying to bring these pieces up. I think there's some awareness in court that this is going on at least.