Privacy- what is it like in a NORMAL relationship?

[peacemountain]

What is normal when it comes to privacy in a non-BPD marriage relationship? My uBPDh and I do not see eye to eye on this at all and it's a trigger that comes up about 1/mo in different ways and causes blowups.

Some examples:
1. If as a woman, my girlfriend asks me to keep something confidential that she tells me about her marriage. My h says I can't tell her I would keep it confidential because my h and I don't keep any secrets from each other. My take is that it's none of his business and it's her secret I'm keeping, not my own. It has no negative impact on our marriage relationship for me to keep this confidence.

2. If I talk to my sister and seek guidance and support on my marriage. My h says that I can't share details of our marriage with anyone  without his permission(which he won't give). My take is that we all are entitled to seek counsel and advice on things that we're personally struggling with. It just so happens that it does have something to do with him but I'm respectful of him in my discussions. (I'm sure that the usage of this forum would also be unapproved)

3. He also feel he has full right to inspect my texts at anytime and that any phone conversation he is entitled to know the details of if he wishes.

This is all from a perspective that people in good marriages have 100% transparency and no secrets. If I don't agree to these things then the threat is basically emotional withdrawal from the marriage. Unfortunately, this is how he often operates anyway so it's not much of a threat.

I'm simply asking for a "reality check" from you all so that I can help decide what are reasonable limits in this area. Where I want to get to is a place where I can be open about my limits and face the wrath so that I'm not dishonest or walking on eggshells.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Carebeth]

I believe you are looking at this normally.  My dh who had BPD symptoms encourages me to visit and tell all to my best friend.  He knows I need support.  I so appreciate this about him!
You, also,  need friends and that means you share what shouldn't be shared with your husband.

[schwing]

Hi Peacemountain,

What is normal when it comes to privacy in a non-BPD marriage relationship? My uBPDh and I do not see eye to eye on this at all and it's a trigger that comes up about 1/mo in different ways and causes blowups.

I don't know if I have a normal (define "normal" marriage but I can share with you the arrangements in my non-BPD marriage relationship.

1. If as a woman, my girlfriend asks me to keep something confidential that she tells me about her marriage. My h says I can't tell her I would keep it confidential because my h and I don't keep any secrets from each other. My take is that it's none of his business and it's her secret I'm keeping, not my own. It has no negative impact on our marriage relationship for me to keep this confidence.

My relationship with my wife does not require that I need to give up my ability to keep someone's confidence.  Also, I don't expect to know all my wife's secrets.  Nor do I expect to share all my secrets with my wife.  Except perhaps any information/secret that would directly affect our marriage and family life, for example, infidelity or medical health. I believe that my wife would share such relevant information and I would share with her my own. I trust my wife. And I believe she trusts me likewise.

2. If I talk to my sister and seek guidance and support on my marriage. My h says that I can't share details of our marriage with anyone  without his permission(which he won't give). My take is that we all are entitled to seek counsel and advice on things that we're personally struggling with. It just so happens that it does have something to do with him but I'm respectful of him in my discussions. (I'm sure that the usage of this forum would also be unapproved)

My relationship with my wife does not belong to me alone; it is our relationship. I did not ask her to sign a non-disclosure agreement upon marrying her nor would I ever consider such an agreement.  I do expect her to be considerate about what she does choose to share about our marriage with her other close interpersonal relationships; I expect intimate details only to be shared with close friendships and not with causal acquaintances. Then again, I am not ashamed of any of the behavior I have exhibited to my wife in the course of our relationship.

For example, I would not require her to ask for my permission if she needed to confide to a therapist.  

3. He also feel he has full right to inspect my texts at anytime and that any phone conversation he is entitled to know the details of if he wishes.

I do not treat my wife like a delinquent teenager whose judgement I do not yet trust. My attitude might be different if I had reason to believe she were having an affair.

This is all from a perspective that people in good marriages have 100% transparency and no secrets. If I don't agree to these things then the threat is basically emotional withdrawal from the marriage. Unfortunately, this is how he often operates anyway so it's not much of a threat.

I think people in good marriages have trust.  And trust does not require 100% transparency and no secrets.  Trust, however, can be strained and broken depending upon the circumstances.

I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[peacemountain]

Except perhaps any information/secret that would directly affect our marriage and family life, for example, infidelity or medical health.

Exactly my thoughts - even finances for example

I expect intimate details only to be shared with close friendships and not with causal acquaintances. Then again, I am not ashamed of any of the behavior I have exhibited to my wife in the course of our relationship.

Agree, intimate details with 2-3 trustworthy very close friends, for the purpose of improving only, not gossip.
And there you hit the nail on the head - you're not ashamed of your behavior or someone knowing how you're treating/behaving with your wife.

For example, I would not require her to ask for my permission if she needed to confide to a therapist.

Also, not permitted.
  

Trust, however, can be strained and broken depending upon the circumstances.

And here you hit the crux of the matter. From a pwBPD perspective, there is no trust when you perceive your spouse as someone that is abandoning, punishing, etc.

Thanks so much for some insight into "normal"! It always helps to have a reality check