Alcohol - fuel for the fire

[campbembpd]

Hi all,

It’s pretty clear that those with BPD also have a propensity to struggle with alcohol or other substances. I’ve made plenty of post talking about my uBPDw’s alcohol use.

I’m surprised because she decided to do dry January and she’s actually been successful for the last 10 days or so. Before this, I think there’s been maybe one day in the last eight months or more that she has not had multiple drinks. She’s sleeping way better, her heart rate has been improved (her resting heart rate has been running in the high 90s). She has been so much more easy-going and laid back. She has had some moments of losing her temper. However I was blown away because it was upsetting and she was completely over reacting but she ended up going to mediate for a bit and when she came out she actually apologized for over reacting. All on her own.

I’m still scared to bring up some tough conversations like money but she’s seen and recognized how much better she’s been. She’s verbally said how much better control of her emotions she feels. So we haven’t dealt with major issues but it’s so clear how much more stable she is.

Now the sad part is, she has no intention of staying a non-drinker. Of course, like before, she says she doesn’t want to go back to drinking how she was before. (average of eight drinks a night). But that’s been said so many times before so I know she’ll start small but over time it will go up.

I’m looking for a men’s Al-Anon group, but any advice? My instinct is to just sit down and talk with her near the end of the month and ask her what I’m supposed to do if she gets to that point again (in my head I know it’s when she gets to that point again). It’s bad enough dealing with BPD but when I know she is so much more unregulated when she’s drinking (even if it’s the next day) it just makes it that much harder.

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[Notwendy]

I have spent time in CODA and ACA groups. I agree- that when BPD mother used alcohol, this lowered inihibions and so she was more likely to rage. But stopping the alcohol would not have been a solution to the issue. Using alcohol was self medicating for her BPD issues. All addictions are forms of escape from difficult feelings.

12 step groups are effective for family members because the dynamics when there is a family member with BPD are similar to when there is a family member with alcoholism.

I think each group also has a culture to it, since it is made up of the members present. Some may feel more comfortable than others. If there's an all men's group and you prefer that, then do that. In my area- we don't have mens or women's only groups. If you are looking for men's only- you may be limiting your options. The groups on their own are less effective than groups + sponsor. My personal choice is to have a female sponsor but my groups are mixed. So if you don't have a men's only group, having a male sponsor is also an option.

What I have learned is that- talking to the person about their alcohol use is not effective. I think, if talking to your wife was effective, it would have worked by now.

In the groups, we learn we are powerless over the other person's addictive behaviors. We can only work on our selves and our responses to the person. Your "instinct" to talk to her is your issue- your own wish to have some control over her actions. You might learn in the 12 steps that this instinct is actually driven by your need to "fix and change" what you have no control over.

One of the most helpful aspects of 12 steps is having a sponsor turn the mirror on our own behavior. It's not a comfortable process. But we often don't see our own behavior as clearly.

I would suggest starting the groups, spend some time observing the other members. Some may be experienced in the program and willing to be sponsors. When you find one you feel would work well with you- ask him if he's willing.