Holiday Anxiety

[InPurgatory]

I know that I'm not alone here.  Heading into the holidays this week and I'm already starting to feel anxious.  Today is actually uBPD mom's birthday.  I've been LC/NC with her since last Christmas when a visit to celebrate with family at her house ended with yet another nasty comment directed at me.  I decided at that point that I had had enough.  I felt bad because my younger sibling (scapegoat) continued to try and help her get things settled this year after my father's death, even though she was never appreciative.  She has tried love bombing me - sentimental notes and cards, a check sent for my birthday, emailing my kids and pretending nothing has happened.  In the meantime, she got more abusive to my brother.  Well, about a month ago, he decided he had also had enough abuse and went NC with her as well.  We both sent birthday cards today but neither of us called (which would be the usual expectation).  The only person left speaking to her is our other brother (GC).

Part of me feels horrible that this 88-yr old woman is alone and miserable.  But then I remember that nothing I have done for her over the years has made one bit of difference.  She drives everyone away.  Her grandkids are now old enough to see her for who she is, and they avoid her as well, which I believe is even harder on her.  I'm planning to spend Thanksgiving Day with my brother, and for the first time ever he hasn't invited our mom to join them.  I think he's feeling some guilt because he's a nice person (and I'm feeling it too), but I support his decision and I'm actually relieved that I don't have to choose between spending the day around her or staying home alone.  On the other hand, this will be the first time she has been completely alone (except when she made that decision for herself), and it feels sad.

I haven't posted in quite a while.  As an update, this past year has seen her dealing with a leak/flooding in her house that caused considerable damage because her hoarding prevented her from noticing it for over a week.  The fallout from that has continued for about 6 months now and still isn't resolved.  Her car started having problems with the transmission, and is so old that replacement parts are difficult to find.  Rather than give up driving (which we have all urged her to do), she continued to take her chances that it would get stuck in the wrong gear at any time (which happened when she backed out of the driveway and couldn't get it into drive.  It was stuck in the street until a neighbor managed to get it in gear for her).  About a month ago, she apparently had a car accident (she says it was minor) that led to her being taken to the ER for examination, but she didn't tell anyone about it at the time.  We only knew because the ER called my brother (SG) and left a message on his phone (presumably they were getting ready to release her and didn't want to send her home alone).  By the time he got the message and called back, she had been discharged and they couldn't give him any information, so we had no idea why she had been brought there.  A lot of confusion ensued where SG tried calling her house but with no answer.  He then called GC brother who had apparently just gotten off the phone with her.  At that point he knew very little except that she had a car accident.  Mom called GC brother back the next day and she gave him more information but downplayed the severity of the accident, and we still don't know all the details.

There are some days where I feel like a bad daughter for not being more involved with my mom, but having the support of my brothers has helped. 

[beatricex]

Hi InPurgatory,
Sorry to hear you are going through all this.  My Mom and Dad's birthday is this month as well, a double wammy with the holidays when you're LC or NC.

Hang in there and you and your brother can enjoy each other's company this year, low drama.  Just try to look forward to all the catching up you two can do!

 

b

[Teach21]

I am so sorry. Holiday anxiety is real. I'm glad you don't have to make that choice this year. It is very sad for our elderly parents especially when they are alone and makes it hard to enjoy the celebrations. I feel your pain and almost don't want to celebrate so I can avoid the wrath of my mom. My mom lives alone on the other side of the world, and I experience it. She still brings up Thanksgiving of '96 when she wasn't invited to my house. My dad (her ex) and her sister (whom is her enemy) along with my grandparents were going to be there, so not a good idea to have her there too.  Now her sister is living at my brother's house temporarily and will be coming to Thanksgiving. I have not even told her that my aunt lives with my brother and certainly haven't mentioned Thanksgiving. He and my sister are NC.  I almost called the whole thing off because I know she will eventually find out. She always finds out.  When she does, it will be hell to pay, but more than that, I know she will sincerely believe I did it to betray her and "put the nail in her coffin".

I hate this so much and also feel like a bad daughter but feel some comfort in hearing others' stories. 

[zachira]

LC/NC with an elderly parent is a painful and sometimes necessary decision. Only you know when it is the right decision for you and you can no longer bear the abuse so you choose to go LC/NC. I was LC with my elderly mother before she died. Though I still feel sad about it, I do not feel guilty. I could no longer bear the abuse from her and my siblings.

[U.N. Owen]

Sorry to hear that experience and you are definitely not alone. I admire the strength it takes both you and your brother to hold to not inviting her!

I dread almost every holiday anymore because I don't know which version of my mom will show up to it. Even if the holiday itself goes well there is usually what I call a time-bomb in-waiting. At some point someone said something that she didn't like and within a day or so it will explode. This Thanksgiving my 6yo nephew made the mistake of saying he loved my dads soon-to-be wife. My brother and I both agree that she likely walked him right into it though, prompting him by asking if he loved step-mom.

[InPurgatory]

It's been over a year since this last post, and things have not improved.    I have been LC (instead of NC) with uBPD mom for a while, after she sent an "apology" letter (a nonspecific apology for "whatever it was that she had done ").  I told her that I accepted her apology and we have mostly just exchanged cards and brief notes

.  About a year ago, uBPD mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and over the following months, ended up in the hospital 4 or 5 more times for various related complications.  During this time she still adamantly refused to consider moving into assisted living to be closer to family (she's 89, frail, and lives alone).  She eventually found someone who comes to her home to help out with meals, cleaning, medication, etc., and that had allowed her to continue to stay in her home. 

Since last summer, she has been back in the hospital several more times, most recently admitted last week.  This time she has been diagnosed with kidney failure and liver damage.  They have put her on dialysis, which is taking its toll on her body.  I saw her for the first time in a year back at Christmas, and she actually looked better - more energy and alert than before.  This last downturn came on pretty quickly. 

I guess I just needed to talk about this because I'm struggling with both feeling sad for her current condition (alone in a hospital, a couple hundred miles from closest family), and feeling angry because she has pushed everyone away.  I feel like a bad daughter for not being there, but at the same time I know that my being there wouldn't change anything and would likely lead to more agitation, which she doesn't need right now.  My youngest brother (SG) is doing his best to communicate with her doctors and has made a couple of trips there, and I also feel bad that the bulk of this is resting on him.  Older brother (GC) has been very withdrawn when we have tried to talk to him, and I don't know what he is feeling.  Someone has to make decisions about what to do next, and he won't engage with us.  GC brother calls and talks to Mom every day, and presumably talks to her doctors and nurses, but doesn't communicate any information which leads to us having to contact them separately to find out what is going on.

I think that it's likely she is in the final stage of her life, and she's obviously frightened and depressed.  But when I think about going to see her, I get extreme anxiety.  I don't know what to do.  I think it's pretty obvious, from what her doctor has told my brother, that she will not be going home again.  If she makes it through the next couple of weeks, she will be going into a nursing home.  This makes me incredibly sad for her because I know it's exactly what she didn't want. 

At some point, I really need to go there and help deal with making arrangements.  Her house needs to be secured, her bills paid, her taxes filed.  My younger brother and I both still work full time.  GC brother is retired and has more flexibility to deal with things but doesn't seem interested in traveling there to help.  There may be other things going on in his life that we don't know about (he had a cancer scare earlier in the year, and a history of depression), so I don't want to push.  I don't have a partner to help with any of this, so I feel overwhelmed.  I'm not sure what I'm asking really.  I guess I just need some place to express how I'm feeling and see if anyone can offer insight.  Thanks for listening.

[Notwendy]

You are not alone here! Your experience is similar to mine at the moment. I feel both sad and sorry for my elderly BPD mother who is alone in an assisted living, at a distance from me while at the same time, knowing she's driven most people in her circle away with her behavior. Since she seems to see things from victim perspective, she doesn't seem to connect these two together.

I don't visit much either. She doesn't seem to appreciate visits . I have visited to help get her out of her house, sell the house and car for her, and help with other tasks.

As to family dynamics. While it seems the Golden Child has the advantage, from my own experience, the GC also has more emotional difficulties from being the GC and enmeshment. If you have a good relationship with your siblings- you can each be helpful in your own ways- it won't necessarily be "even". You can also be supportive to each other.

In my situation,  I carry the bulk of the management. I am also the scapegoat child. I think in a way, the SC child is less enmeshed, more objective and used to managing things on their own.

Even in a non disordered family it can be uneven. With my MIL, one of her daughters lived closest and carried a lot of the day to day management. My H, who didn't live as close, helped in other ways.

One way to feel more connected is to be of support to your brothers, even if it's emotional support. Meet the need where it is. If you are able to help with the move to nursing home, or taxes, that's a big help. Maybe this is more emotionally stressful for your GC sibling and he can't manage to do more- so reach out and call if you think it will help.

And support for you is crucial. For me, it's 12 step ACA and CODA groups. I also have had counseling. I recently have asked for recommendations for a counselor again. Even in non disordered families- this is an emotional situation. Self care is important!

Glad you reached out here.

[InPurgatory]

Thank you NotWendy.  I don't post often, but read here every day.  I have followed your journey, as well as others, because of the similarities in our situations.  I'm sorry that you also struggle with a BPD mom.  My role is currently SG, but I was mostly an Invisible Child/Helper Child growing up. I became a SG when I started setting boundaries with her after going through a painful divorce from my uBPD ex-husband and recognizing similarities in the behavior patterns.

I had a good conversation with my GC brother last night, and I think he has just been feeling overwhelmed in a different way because she relies heavily on him to fulfill her emotional needs.  I'm rather fortunate in that we have always had a good sibling relationship among the three of us.  I think we are in agreement about what has to happen next.

Mom has always adamantly refused to leave her house, in spite of the numerous risks of living there (she's a hoarder, she lives alone, she's in a dangerous neighborhood).  But the doctors have already made plans to discharge her to a nursing home, and when a nurse unknowingly made a comment to Mom about that, Mom unleashed a rage on the poor nurse.  With what little energy she actually has, she complains and berates the nursing staff continuously.  I fear that moving her to a nursing home may actually kill her, but if it doesn't, she will make life miserable for those who have to care for her.

My GC brother has mentioned that he will try to come stay for a short while to get her house sorted and things settled.  I hope he is able to do this because he is the only one who has any chance at all of getting her to agree to a move (although I think he also runs the risk of being painted black).  As far as we know, she has not appointed anyone POA, and this is a big concern.  Right now, with her current frame of mind, she is unlikely to willingly do anything about this.

[Notwendy]

Mom has always adamantly refused to leave her house, in spite of the numerous risks of living there (she's a hoarder, she lives alone, she's in a dangerous neighborhood).  But the doctors have already made plans to discharge her to a nursing home, and when a nurse unknowingly made a comment to Mom about that, Mom unleashed a rage on the poor nurse.  With what little energy she actually has, she complains and berates the nursing staff continuously.  I fear that moving her to a nursing home may actually kill her, but if it doesn't, she will make life miserable for those who have to care for her.

My GC brother has mentioned that he will try to come stay for a short while to get her house sorted and things settled.  I hope he is able to do this because he is the only one who has any chance at all of getting her to agree to a move (although I think he also runs the risk of being painted black).  As far as we know, she has not appointed anyone POA, and this is a big concern.  Right now, with her current frame of mind, she is unlikely to willingly do anything about this.

This was my situation a while back. BPD mother had named a relative POA and then changed it to her children. I asked the relative about it and they don't recall being told that they were POA. I agreed as I felt family would be able to make decisions in her best interest if necessary. However, there was no reason to step in at the time as she was living independently at home.

As time went on, we kids became increasingly concerned about her being in her own home as we felt she needed assisted living. Other people did too but she refused to consider that. Eventually her extended family got involved. They were the ones who accomplished that. There's no way we could have done it.

One thing to consider that I found helpful was to consult an elder law attorney. Even if I am not able to intervene - BPD mother is considered "legally competent" it has helped to have information on- how to intervene if necessary. Also, helps to learn about Medicare, Medicaid, what it covers ( if you are in the US) and what it does not. In the US, if your mother does go to an nursing home, this would be helpful to know. Also, if your mother has not appointed someone as POA- this is something to discuss with her. She can name all of you. One might take the lead on this but this allows you to share the role. You will need general POA and a medical POA.

Be aware that using the POA may result in you being painted black and blamed. Also be careful about what you sign as POA. Keep in mind that as long as your mother is legally competent, she can sign for herself.

BPD mother has been in and out of nursing home/assisted living for rehabilitation after an illness. Plans were made at one point for her to stay at the nursing home because they felt she needed that. They had a care meeting where she came in and announced that her "family was dumping her in a nursing home" and she had enlisted some physical therapists as her rescuers "from her family" to vouch that she could go back to assisted living.  was surprised because the nursing home social worker had invited me to that meeting to be helpful, and didn't expect this.

Now, if I am asked to assist in decision making- I send the person back to BPD mother, remind them that she is in charge of her own decisions. If your mother refuses to go to a nursing home- here's where she'd have no choice- you make it clear she has no help at home and she can not move in with any of you. They can not discharge her home if her needs aren't met there. Let them force the issue.

While you are understandably concerned about your mother's well being in a nursing home, keep in mind, that her physical health is not something you have any control or responsibility for. You are also not responsible for her behavior. With her having heart issues- she needs to be in skilled nursing- with nurses there to help her. The providers at the hospital have decided this.