Identity and Hobbies with Sibling

[lazypython]

Has anyone who is supporting a family member with BPD ever have to deal with blowouts due to family members "stealing" their hobbies or interests?

My BPD loved one (a sibling) introduced me to a hobby and I ended up liking it so I kept going. This was especially helpful to me as I was going through a breakup and I continued on with it because I genuinely enjoyed it. I have invited some of my friends to engage in the hobby as well and they all like it too.

My sib ended up dropping the hobby quietly and then ended up not going at all to the point that they blew up saying that they "feel [they] don't have an identity because [OP] stole it from me". My family knew my sibling as the one who engaged in this hobby often but now that they dropped it and I kept engaging in the hobby, my family now sees me as that.

In terms of an interest, I used to hate astrology/witchcraft and the like - my sibling is very much into this. I have to admit that I did make fun of them and they've told me during their blowout that they've bottled this sibling bullying to themselves. I told them I was genuinely sorry about making fun of your hobby but to understand that people change. I told them that now that I've been hurt, I like researching and engaging in some of that interest of theirs. Again, they are adament in believing that I am "copying [them]".

Has anyone ever experienced this? I keep telling my sib that I see them as a friend and look up to them and it was great sharing a hobby with them but they are very gatekeep-y with it.

[Notwendy]

Hello and welcome to this board. I haven't experienced the same thing with a sibling but I have a mother with BPD who "takes on" different identities of people she knows sometimes.

First of all- hold on to your reality. Just because your sister feels or thinks something doesn't make it true. It's not possible to "steal" a hobby from anyone. We know that many people can have the same hobby- it doesn't take away from anyone else. We each have our own connection to a hobby and if friends also have the hobby- that's good too.

One issue with BPD is poor boundaries and a wavering sense of self. You have a hobby but you are not that hobby, you are you. If you decided to take up another hobby, you'd still be you.  For your sister, that boundary may not be so clear. It seems perhaps your sister combined her hobby into her identity.

For you, it might be "my hobby is knitting" and for her it might be "I am a knitter".

So, if you were into astrology and someone made fun of it, you'd be able to see that for this person- they think it's silly- but I like it. You are each separate people. For your sister, this division may not be so clear.

Another aspect is enmeshment. When you took up your sister's hobby- maybe she also felt her identity being encroached. You didn't mean this but it may be how she felt.

It's good that you apologized for teasing her about her interest in astrology/witchcraft. I think one approach to this is - there are many hobbies to choose from. If this is hers and she feels she's being copied- then if it's not as meaningful for you, let her have it, let her be the expert in it. If you are curious and want to read about it yourself- then- do this privately, but if this is how she defines herself - let her have this boundary.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think that some people with BPD have a very fragile or tenuous sense of self. This means their identity might shift, oftentimes to fit in with certain people. It may be that your sister feels that her hobby makes her unique to her current friend group, which is crucial to keep her standing. Thus in her distorted view of the world, by stealing her hobby, you are infringing on her uniqueness and threatening her. She might fear losing her status and losing her friends, which feels like abandonment, which is very painful in BPD.

My stepdaughter with BPD struggles with her identity in my opinion. This manifests as doubts about a college major, switching majors, trying out new clothes and hairstyles, experimenting with substances, etc. A really hard question for her is, do you like XYZ?  Most of the time, she won’t know. She’ll profess a love of art, yet doesn’t appreciate trips to a museum, for example. She had no idea what type of career she might like. She can’t seem to choose anything. And she doesn’t seem to know what her own strengths are!  Her thinking about herself is very negative, like she’s her own worst critic. It’s hard to describe, but I think she struggles to know who she is.

I’m reminded of the movie Single White Female, which features a character with some BPD behaviors, such as moodiness and rage when she feels abandoned. In the movie, she copies everything about her new roommate, including clothes, hairstyle and chasing after her roommate’s boyfriend. It’s like she lost whatever prior self she had and adopted a complete new identity in a short time to find new friends. I think that’s an extreme form of identity confusion that affects pwBPD.