Supporting a Parent with BPD — How Do You Cope and Set Boundaries?

[Scott William]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and wanted to start a discussion about something I think many of us struggle with — balancing compassion with self-protection when a parent has Borderline Personality Disorder.

In my case, my parent’s emotional swings and sensitivity can make even small interactions unpredictable. I’ve been reading about setting healthy boundaries, but it’s still incredibly difficult not to feel guilty or responsible when they become upset.

I’d love to hear how others manage:

How do you maintain contact without being drawn into emotional chaos?

What has helped you separate your own sense of self from their reactions?

Are there specific coping tools or routines that have made a real difference for you?

I’m hoping this can be a space where we can share what’s actually worked — not just theory, but real strategies for day-to-day life.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to learning from your experiences.

— Scott

[Lalisa]

Hi Scott, I know exactly what you mean - balancing compassion and boundaries has always been something I’ve struggled with too.

To give you an example: when my mum felt threatened by my new husband, or when my kids were little (she’d had me mostly to herself for a long time), she would often act appallingly when we visited. There would be huge scenes where she’d threaten suicide and completely lose her temper, and everything would descend into chaos. For years I would stay and try to calm her down or make peace, but it never worked and almost always made things worse. Many times, I lost my temper too and say terrible things. Eventually, because I couldn’t have my kids witness that level of instability, I would leave because it felt too dangerous. But the moment I removed myself, the guilt was overwhelming- I felt like a traitor, like I hadn’t tried hard enough, and I’d question whether her meltdown was actually my fault. The urge to go back or ring her was so strong I felt physically sick.

What I’ve learned to cope is this: I focus on my breath and practice loving-kindness meditation. These practices help me be less reactive, create space, and help me be less angry with myself, the BPD situation, and my mum. I’ve learned that you can have compassion and love for your parent without reacting to their behaviour. You can have boundaries without being cruel. I try to remind myself that no matter how bad the situation feels, and there have been terrible times, it will pass. And it always does.

For a long time, I dismissed meditation as “not for me,” but honestly, it helps on every level. We have to accept that we cannot change, save, or fix our parents -  we can only change our reactions.

I also write down what’s going on when my mum is having a bad episode: basic pros and cons of how I could react. This really works for me because I need constant reminders that my old ways of reacting and peace-keeping always made things worse. And 100% of the time, my mum eventually contacts me when she’s calmed down. If she contacts me when she’s still not calm or reasonable, I try to gently say I’ll ring her back when she’s in better form.

There are also some really good books out there with practical strategies – especially Stop Caretaking the Borderline: How to End the Drama and Get On With Your Life.

My relationship with my mum hasn’t been easy, but I do love her. For me, self-compassion and compassion for her and for others really is the only way through this. If you would like me to recommend some guided meditations, I can send them to you.
I hope some of the above helps - it sound easy when I write it down but there is no doubt it is hard. This message board is good to stay connected with , especially during crisis times.

Best of luck Scott

[zachira]

The questions you are asking about balancing compassion for your parent with BPD with self care, is one so many of us with a parent with BPD often discuss on this board. My mother with BPD is deceased. I often regret how I was not allowed to become a person in my own right by my large disordered extended family members who made me one of several generations of scapegoats, that my mother did not want her children to ever be independent of her because that would mean she would be abandoned. I have come into my own since finally setting some really strict boundaries with the disordered family members and after many years of therapy along with help throughout my life from many decent caring people. My advice to you would be to focus on becoming as much as you can a person in your own right and to consider therapy. Dealing with the impact of a parent with BPD is a lifelong sorrow and there are many effects which are difficult to understand because the dysfunctional dynamics begin early in childhood which we only have bodily memories of and no verbal memories. Any thing you can do to strengthen you own self esteem from building healthy relationships with yourself and others, to doing the things you love, to setting healthier boundaries with everyone you come into contact with, will make you stronger. Personal therapy has been helpful to many of us on this board who have a parent with BPD. The more grounded you are in who you are as a person, the less other disordered people will be able to take advantage of you including your parent with BPD. I have come to have more compassion for my disordered family members as I have become more of a person in my own right, as I now have better boundaries though will always be a work in progress. What has probably helped me the most is to notice that the healthiest people have the best boundaries and seem to feel sorry for people who behave badly yet they set boundaries most of the time that do not enable disordered people when they can. Most important of all, is the emotions of your parent with BPD belong to that parent, and it can take time for a child to learn to not take on the emotions of the parent with BPD.