Setting new boundaries after moving

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom is uBPD (Queen). I used to have a lot of resentment but after I got married and had kids 11 years ago, I was able to set boundaries that worked well. She lived about an hour away and we would visit 4-6x/year for a day and she’d come to our kids’ birthday parties when they were younger. When we visited, she would control the day but the kids liked the activities so it worked out fine. I would always wait 2-3 days to reply to emails and messages and that limited onslaught communications or me being her crutch.

I recently moved 3000 miles away. She just came to visit for Thanksgiving for 9 days in my house and I’m losing my mind. All my resentment and anxiety memories of childhood are flooding back and she says all sorts of things that are a bad influence on my kids. She cannot handle everything not being about her all the time, or that my family is bilingual around her. She is already planning another week in 2mo that I haven’t agreed to. She bought a cruise ending in our city so I couldn’t say no. She treats my home like and all-inclusive resort and expects to be treated like a beloved guest at all times.

I don’t think I can handle more than 2-3 days of her in my house twice a year without truly going back to loathing her.  We live far away so I get it’s not a weekend trip. How have people handled living cross country from a BPD mom that wants to visit and stay all the time?

My plan is to tell her no about the trip next trip, we will go away and she can’t stay in our house while we are away, once she is home. I’m sure she’ll this will be “very upsetting” for her, and I’m genuinely worried she will just show up. Help please! How to set boundaries in this situation without going NC?

[FriedDaughter]

My mom is uBPD (Queen). I used to have a lot of resentment but after I got married and had kids 11 years ago, I was able to set boundaries that worked well. She lived about an hour away and we would visit 4-6x/year for a day and she’d come to our kids’ birthday parties when they were younger. When we visited, she would control the day but the kids liked the activities so it worked out fine. I would always wait 2-3 days to reply to emails and messages and that limited onslaught communications or me being her crutch.

I recently moved 3000 miles away. She just came to visit for Thanksgiving for 9 days in my house and I’m losing my mind. All my resentment and anxiety memories of childhood are flooding back and she says all sorts of things that are a bad influence on my kids. She cannot handle everything not being about her all the time, or that my family is bilingual around her. She is already planning another week in 2mo that I haven’t agreed to. She bought a cruise ending in our city so I couldn’t say no. She treats my home like and all-inclusive resort and expects to be treated like a beloved guest at all times.

I don’t think I can handle more than 2-3 days of her in my house twice a year without truly going back to loathing her.  We live far away so I get it’s not a weekend trip. How have people handled living cross country from a BPD mom that wants to visit and stay all the time?

My plan is to tell her no about the trip next trip, we will go away and she can’t stay in our house while we are away, once she is home. I’m sure she’ll this will be “very upsetting” for her, and I’m genuinely worried she will just show up. Help please! How to set boundaries in this situation without going NC?

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult one because most people don't travel a long distance to stay a short while. My parents- BPD mother didn't live near me but it wasn't quite that long. Still, since they drove, it took the larger part of a day to arrive. They weren't going to stay just a couple of days.

These visits were stressful as my parents didn't have much structure to them. Since Dad was retired, there was no set date for them to return home. I understand the feeling of anxiety during these visits.

Being that they were my parents, I had wanted them to stay with me. We had a guest room, in a private corner of the house, with its own bathroom. But my BPD mother liked things her own way and after a couple of days, she and my father moved to a hotel. I felt as if she thought the guest room wasn't "good enough" for her as she had a tendency to be critical of things I did for her but there wasn't anything wrong with the guest room. So, in a way, they made their own solution to staying with me- they didn't want to.

Some time later, I made a similar decision. My father had gotten ill and was in the hospital, I went to help out and stayed with my parents to help out. Staying alone in the house with BPD mother- her behavior escalated, old memories of childhood came to mind. Although I had come to help with Dad- the caretaking was for her but her behavior was irrational and out of control. After this experience, I decided to stay in a hotel when I visited so I had a "safe space".

In consideration of my BPD mother too- it's a strain on them to "mask" when around others. Having her own space to herself, she didn't feel a need to do this.

Visits were still stressful but I think it does help to have separate living spaces. Due to our own childhood experiences, we are going to be on high alert when in the presence of our BPD parent, even though we are adults now- and also even if we rationalize their behavior and they don't act out. We don't feel emotionally safe around them. We may choose to have contact but we need to also have a way to feel safe and calm down. Limiting the time and frequency of visits helped too.

Since our BPD mothers may not have sound boundaries- we have to have them. Saying no to a visit is difficult- but it may be that we have to. It may have to involve the extra expense of putting your mother up in a hotel when she visits- but if you can manage that, it's worth it to have separate spaces. Since visits are more costly this way- they may have to be less frequent- that is OK too.

[FriedDaughter]

Thank you for this advice. I get resentful that she becomes a financial burden when she plans long trips frequently, but you're probably right that getting her somewhere else to stay is the best solution. I need to let go of my anger of her taking advantage of me financially when I was younger and make the best decision for my family now. The choice is realistically between things escalating to the point where I have to go NC, or biting the bullet to pay for a hotel for her when she comes, and setting some boundary as to how many days/year I will do that. I would really like to limit it to 1 week/year (I will also go back to the other side of the country 1mo/year but stay with friends), but I have a feeling she will get very upset about that, as she seems to be planning to come 3-4x/year.

[Notwendy]

T I would really like to limit it to 1 week/year (I will also go back to the other side of the country 1mo/year but stay with friends), but I have a feeling she will get very upset about that, as she seems to be planning to come 3-4x/year.

My BPD mother would get upset at boundaries. Saying "no" to her was very difficult- she would react, get upset. The alternative- no boundaries and just agreeing to what she wanted wasn't always a good choice either. I would say yes to what I was willing to agree to but any "no" was as if I had done the worst thing ever to her.

Your home, your money- your boundary.

Saying "no" wasn't easy, it didn't get easy. I didn't like to say no to her but she didn't respect boundaries and was persistent when she wanted something.

[CC43]

Hi there,

My parents aren't disordered, but they would drive me bonkers when they visited with me.  For starters, they'd  give me only a few days' notice, not really co-ordinating with me.  I'd try to accommodate as best as I could, but I couldn't easily take time off work, especially at such short notice.  Since they are old-fashioned, they seemed unwilling to understand that a woman might have job responsibilities; they generally assumed that I was available to be a hostess at their convenience.  Then they insisted on bringing their dog, even though I asked them not to (I'm allergic), and they could have found another solution, like boarding or letting the dog stay at my sibling's place one town over.  My parents would point out every defect in my home, thinking they were being helpful, when it felt like constant complaints and/or criticism.  My dad would insist on having the TV on all day, blaring like a siren in an open-plan house, whereas I never turn on the TV until after dinner.  I had a hard time taking work calls, and I struggled to get my work done.  At night, my dad's snoring would disturb my sleep.  In short, my parents demanded my full service, my undivided attention, my servitude, much like when I was a little girl.  (I probably have oldest-girl syndrome.)

One day when staying at my house, my dad asked me for towels, and I gave him my brand new monogrammed set which was a gift.  He proceeded to clean his car's wheels with them.  Apparently the clean state of my car had inspired him to clean his own car.  But what he meant was rags, not towels.  I had forgotten to clarify with him the intended use of the towels, so it was my fault they were ruined.  Apparently my dad forgot the word for rags.  Anyway, what's undeniable is that when my parents aren't in their own home, they feel and act a little off--their routines are disrupted, the travel is hard on them, and they do a lot of things that seem out of character.  My dad literally climbed my bookshelves, because he didn't know if I had a stepstool (I do), and he wanted to see a book on the top shelf (he hadn't read an actual book in years).  He had a tendency to break my furniture, because he was in unfamiliar territory, just too excitable, and maybe a bit clumsy and bored.

My point is, hosting even well-meaning and loving parents can be a huge strain.  Like you, I can probably take only two or three days, the equivalent of a long weekend.  Three days feels like an eternity if there are no activities or scheduled events.  If there are no concrete plans, I'll usually try to manufacture something:  a trip antiquing, a museum visit, at least one brunch or dinner out.  Of course, all that is subject to parental mobility and health issues, but I think you get the idea.  Any longer-term stay deserves a hotel in my opinion.  When I've visited my parents, I've stayed in a hotel on occassion--it's easier on them and me.  The excuse is that there aren't enough bedrooms when multiple family members visit.  Having a hotel is a perfect excuse to give the host(s) a break, too (Why don't we dine out or at the hotel tonight, wouldn't that be fun?).

I think you can set a boundary.  With BPD, it's best to frame a boundary as a benefit to your mother if you can.  You could say something like, We love to have you, but school nights are really chaotic these days, with all the after-school activities and pick-ups, homework that has to get done, and music practice in the evenings.  I really think you would be more comfortable if you could have a quiet place to yourself in a nearby hotel, at least on school nights.  And then I don't have to worry so much about disturbing or overwhelming you.  In other words, if you set some boundaries about your mother's stay that supposedly are for your mother's benefit, you might reduce the possibility of making her feel unwelcome.  Your sanity and calm might be worth a few bucks at a hotel.

[Notwendy]

Oh gosh, cleaning the car wheels with your new towels! Makes me think your mother took care of sheets and towels and Dad just used what she gave him.

My father was helpful. He would play with the kids, read them stories. They formed a bond with him. BPD mother was more like an observer. She also seemed to lose interest with this and either leave or go lie down in another room.

BPD mother knew to "hold it together" in front of my kids, so thankfully they didn't witness her rages. She wouldn't hurt them physically. But she would look to them to meet her emotional needs and do things for her and she'd enlist them as emotional caretakers. She would also triangulate to people- get them "on her side" and I wasn't sure what she'd say to them. I knew to not leave the kids alone with her ever.

What made visits feel stressful was that they seemed chaotic. My mother had no routine, no schedule, she ate when she wanted, slept whenever. Dad had more of a routine for himself but he was focused on her. She required a lot of emotional caretaking.

I could sense the disruption to my parents of having someone else in their home when we visited.  Although BPD mother seemed chaotic, she also needed to feel in control and insisted on order with her things. If someone used a towel and didn't put it back exactly, if we made something to eat and there was a crumb on the floor, she'd get unglued. We'd be careful to clean up, but there was the risk it wouldn't be to her liking. We were not allowed to touch anything of hers.

Eventually I decided to not cook in her kitchen because if there was one spot on a pan left, she'd be upset. It was easier on both of us if I didn't stay with her.

[zachira]

Perhaps, it would make more sense for you to visit your mother instead of allowing her to come visit you. This way you could stay in a hotel and limit the amount of time you spend with her. It does not sound like she would handle very well either staying at your house or in a hotel.