My therapist said this week, your job is to come healthy to the relationship because that's what I can control, but even if I do, that does not mean the other person will. Ugh.
What your therapist was saying here was that by focusing on your own emotional needs, it will change your relationship with your kid.
Does it mean she'll suddenly be nice? Nope, not at all. That's outside of your control. But it does mean that you'll be able to choose to accept, reject, or deny any of her words or actions.
Accepting is listening and showing empathy, responding with love.
Rejecting is also listening without choosing to respond or discuss
Denying is saying, nope, we're not doing this...I'll talk to you later.
If my BPD kid calls and I can tell she's unstable, then I'm going to make one of those three choices. My intention is always acceptance and to build her up, help her fight through whatever is bothering her.
When conversation becomes unhinged, I'll listen patiently as long as I possibly can, hoping the moment passes and we can get back on track. However, I don't engage in any way because I've already accepted that this is disordered thinking and the only productive goal is to move past it.
If things get too heated though, or the ire turns toward me, then I make a conscious decision to disengage. Sorry, I can't talk right now...let's calm down and get in touch later. And I understand what you're saying, the calls continue and the texts pour in...but so what? Turn your phone off and go about your day.
If your kid wants to scream and rant, teach her that you're not going to do that anymore. How? Just stop doing it completely...don't argue, don't take blame, don't make this personal. She's mentally ill and responding badly, which means that you must respond how anyone else would in that situation when you're trying to teach a kid to grow up. You disengage and stick to your boundaries.
I know this feels really complicated, and with your kid's emotions it certainly is. But at any time, you can choose to stop dealing with it completely by saying, "Nope, not today. I'm not listening to that."
You said the relationship is great with dad. That's perfect! Every time she comes unhinged, hand your husband the phone or tell your kid to call him. It really is that easy, all you have to do is stop standing in her line of fire.
Go no contact if you have to and block her on everything. She'll scream and rant to dad, which is perfectly fine. He doesn't put up with her drama and can cut her off immediately when she goes there. That's because their relationship is different, he's not walking on eggshells and she respects him for it. You have to do exactly the same thing, regardless of what others say or feel.
Why? Because at the end of the day, this is about you and you alone. That's the only thing you can control. You must reject or deny all that other outside noise though, and stop allowing it to control you. That's how all of this changes.
