Going Low Contact - Boundaries

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my second time posting on this site. It is almost 1 year exactly since my last post, meaning 1 year since a very big blowout with my BPD mother. Apparently, our relationship has a due date every May to just explode. As background, my mother and I had a very rocky, abusive relationship from birth through my 20's. Then in my late 20's - 30's I changed tactics and decided to just placate and support 100% of the time to keep the peace. I bought into her triangulation methods, made myself, my kids, my whole life secondary to her emotional needs. Then last year - in May - my brother, the favorite, moved away and when my mother attempted to offload her negative emotions on me (in a very disregulated way) I snapped and told her (quite rudely and loudly) the truth of what I think of her condition and her general behavior. That went badly and resulted in a month of no contact followed by me groveling and then back to being a support animal for another year. So come this May, it begins again, this time I was baited into being my mother's mouthpiece and verbally attacking my sister, who I love. That was when it occurred to me that perhaps something should change within myself. I started setting boundaries (risky - I know) which were initially difficult but also amazing because I didn't have to sit through awkward dinner parties, I didn't have to give up my Mother's Day to throw her a party, etc. I said "no" and the result was I didn't have to do something that made me feel anxious and ill. Everything was going great and then ... my mother noticed I was setting boundaries! Oh no! I had been very mindful to always remain calm and cheerful when speaking to her but she was already growing suspicious of me and then we had a phone call where she attempted to overtly triangulate me against my sister, again, and I told her nicely that for my own well being I did not want to discuss my sister at all and if she could not accept that I would have to end the phone call. So, naturally, my mother ended the phone call and I have elected not call back. It has been 2 days and I have decided going forward I will call only 2 days a week, on specific days, and if the conversation goes into emotionally stressful situation I will kindly and calmly shut it down. I am not going to bring up previously ended phone calls and if she does I will attempt to redirect the conversation. I hope to not apologize or explain too much in the process. My reason for posting is that I am experiencing some major physical side effects. I wake up with heart palpitation and an overwhelming fear/guilt. I have started something new also - which is rocking like a baby involuntarily. I am scared of her and I am scared I will fail in my plan/that my plan is ill-advised/that my plan is cruel/that I am conditioned to live my entire life a martyr and boundaries are a pipe dream. I know my post might sound a bit glib, but that is one of my emotional crutches, humor. I was hoping someone might be able to say - Yes! I went low contact, I was consistent, kind, polite, but firm, and my life is now open and free and wonderful. Or something similar so I have a little hope. Thank you.

[yeslady]

This is my second time posting on this site. It is almost 1 year exactly since my last post, meaning 1 year since a very big blowout with my BPD mother. Apparently, our relationship has a due date every May to just explode. As background, my mother and I had a very rocky, abusive relationship from birth through my 20's. Then in my late 20's - 30's I changed tactics and decided to just placate and support 100% of the time to keep the peace. I bought into her triangulation methods, made myself, my kids, my whole life secondary to her emotional needs. Then last year - in May - my brother, the favorite, moved away and when my mother attempted to offload her negative emotions on me (in a very disregulated way) I snapped and told her (quite rudely and loudly) the truth of what I think of her condition and her general behavior. That went badly and resulted in a month of no contact followed by me groveling and then back to being a support animal for another year. So come this May, it begins again, this time I was baited into being my mother's mouthpiece and verbally attacking my sister, who I love. That was when it occurred to me that perhaps something should change within myself. I started setting boundaries (risky - I know) which were initially difficult but also amazing because I didn't have to sit through awkward dinner parties, I didn't have to give up my Mother's Day to throw her a party, etc. I said "no" and the result was I didn't have to do something that made me feel anxious and ill. Everything was going great and then ... my mother noticed I was setting boundaries! Oh no! I had been very mindful to always remain calm and cheerful when speaking to her but she was already growing suspicious of me and then we had a phone call where she attempted to overtly triangulate me against my sister, again, and I told her nicely that for my own well being I did not want to discuss my sister at all and if she could not accept that I would have to end the phone call. So, naturally, my mother ended the phone call and I have elected not call back. It has been 2 days and I have decided going forward I will call only 2 days a week, on specific days, and if the conversation goes into emotionally stressful situation I will kindly and calmly shut it down. I am not going to bring up previously ended phone calls and if she does I will attempt to redirect the conversation. I hope to not apologize or explain too much in the process. My reason for posting is that I am experiencing some major physical side effects. I wake up with heart palpitation and an overwhelming fear/guilt. I have started something new also - which is rocking like a baby involuntarily. I am scared of her and I am scared I will fail in my plan/that my plan is ill-advised/that my plan is cruel/that I am conditioned to live my entire life a martyr and boundaries are a pipe dream. I know my post might sound a bit glib, but that is one of my emotional crutches, humor. I was hoping someone might be able to say - Yes! I went low contact, I was consistent, kind, polite, but firm, and my life is now open and free and wonderful. Or something similar so I have a little hope. Thank you.

[yeslady]

Sorry, I just wanted to give one more piece of information. After my mom ended our last call she started calling me over and over again. I ignored all these (which felt wrong) and I plan to call again in a few days, in a good mood, and not refer to the ended call at all outside of restating that boundary (if needed) that I do not want to have any emotionally charged conversations about family members.

[yeslady]

This is my second time posting on this site. It is almost 1 year exactly since my last post, meaning 1 year since a very big blowout with my BPD mother. Apparently, our relationship has a due date every May to just explode. As background, my mother and I had a very rocky, abusive relationship from birth through my 20's. Then in my late 20's - 30's I changed tactics and decided to just placate and support 100% of the time to keep the peace. I bought into her triangulation methods, made myself, my kids, my whole life secondary to her emotional needs. Then last year - in May - my brother, the favorite, moved away and when my mother attempted to offload her negative emotions on me (in a very disregulated way) I snapped and told her (quite rudely and loudly) the truth of what I think of her condition and her general behavior. That went badly and resulted in a month of no contact followed by me groveling and then back to being a support animal for another year. So come this May, it begins again, this time I was baited into being my mother's mouthpiece and verbally attacking my sister, who I love. That was when it occurred to me that perhaps something should change within myself. I started setting boundaries (risky - I know) which were initially difficult but also amazing because I didn't have to sit through awkward dinner parties, I didn't have to give up my Mother's Day to throw her a party, etc. I said "no" and the result was I didn't have to do something that made me feel anxious and ill. Everything was going great and then ... my mother noticed I was setting boundaries! Oh no! I had been very mindful to always remain calm and cheerful when speaking to her but she was already growing suspicious of me and then we had a phone call where she attempted to overtly triangulate me against my sister, again, and I told her nicely that for my own well being I did not want to discuss my sister at all and if she could not accept that I would have to end the phone call. So, naturally, my mother ended the phone call and I have elected not call back. It has been 2 days and I have decided going forward I will call only 2 days a week, on specific days, and if the conversation goes into emotionally stressful situation I will kindly and calmly shut it down. I am not going to bring up previously ended phone calls and if she does I will attempt to redirect the conversation. I hope to not apologize or explain too much in the process. My reason for posting is that I am experiencing some major physical side effects. I wake up with heart palpitation and an overwhelming fear/guilt. I have started something new also - which is rocking like a baby involuntarily. I am scared of her and I am scared I will fail in my plan/that my plan is ill-advised/that my plan is cruel/that I am conditioned to live my entire life a martyr and boundaries are a pipe dream. I know my post might sound a bit glib, but that is one of my emotional crutches, humor. I was hoping someone might be able to say - Yes! I went low contact, I was consistent, kind, polite, but firm, and my life is now open and free and wonderful. Or something similar so I have a little hope. Thank you.

Sorry, I just wanted to give one more piece of information. After my mom ended our last call she started calling me over and over again. I ignored all these (which felt wrong) and I plan to call again in a few days, in a good mood, and not refer to the ended call at all outside of restating that boundary (if needed) that I do not want to have any emotionally charged conversations about family members.

[Notwendy]

My reason for posting is that I am experiencing some major physical side effects. I wake up with heart palpitation and an overwhelming fear/guilt. I have started something new also - which is rocking like a baby involuntarily. I am scared of her and I am scared I will fail in my plan/that my plan is ill-advised/that my plan is cruel/that I am conditioned to live my entire life a martyr and boundaries are a pipe dream. I know my post might sound a bit glib, but that is one of my emotional crutches, humor. I was hoping someone might be able to say - Yes! I went low contact, I was consistent, kind, polite, but firm, and my life is now open and free and wonderful. Or something similar so I have a little hope. Thank you.

I understand this ( and I think several posters here do too). My relationship with my mother was also difficult. (she is now deceased)  She would also "confide in me" about her negative feelings. I also tried different ways to relate to her- one being compliant and going along with her to help keep the peace. My decision to have boundaries with her came about when my father was ill, and her behavior ecalated, and also when my kids were teens and I saw her enlisting them as her emotional caretakers in a similar way to when I was a teen.

While my sibling was her golden child, that sibling seemed to have to rebel to gain some independence so BPD mother would vent to me. I also told her I didn't want to talk about this.

Same with my then deceased father. If she was angry at me, she'd tell me how I disappointed him. I couldn't listen to that. I already was confused about my relationship with him. I was attached to him as a parent, and yet, he'd defer to BPD mother's wishes if she was angry at me. I didn't want to listen to her version of what he may have felt and I told her I wouldn't discuss my father with her.

I think when we are compliant, it's a way to feel emotionally safest. It's not a guarantee, but it's going along with the family rules. Now you have changed this but it's scary to do so. You may have the body and mind of an adult but at one point- you were a child and you didn't obey "Mommy" and got the consequences. In my mother's elder years, it didn't make sense that we kids- as grown adults, were terrified of our tiny elderly mother. But still, visiting her I would experience anxiety, and after the visit, not be able to sleep well for a few weeks. We can see our situation as adults in a rational way but we still have a stress response to our mothers.

If your mother used the silent treatment with you (mine did) when she was angry- then you may feel anxiety when she isn't calling you, even if in some ways, it gives you some space. As children, we are dependent on our mothers and a mother that isn't responding is frightening.

I think we can work with this reaction with a therapist. It's also good that you recognize it. I think what you are describing is a physical response to not going along with your mother, to "breaking the rules" that kept you safe as a child. The heart palpitations are anxiety. The rocking, to me, sounds like something a small child does to self soothe.

[Pook075]

That went badly and resulted in a month of no contact followed by me groveling and then back to being a support animal for another year.

Question- how was that month of no contact for you personally?  Do you regret groveling to get back in her life?

I'm asking because you described it as "this went badly".  However, it also sounds like the most stern boundary that you've made with her.  Of course she reacted poorly, and of course she pushed back.  That's to be expected.

My question if whether that month of silence was better or worse than the year of being her "emotional support animal," as you described it.

Because here's the thing; we all want the best of both worlds.  That's often not an option though and it sounds like you have to choose to back off or tolerate things you really shouldn't tolerate for your own mental health.  Ending calls sooner is an option and a good start for developing healthy boundaries.  What if it's not enough though?  Could you go back to being completely isolated from her?  That may actually be the healthiest option if these are lifelong patterns.

[yeslady]

Question- how was that month of no contact for you personally?  Do you regret groveling to get back in her life?

I'm asking because you described it as "this went badly".  However, it also sounds like the most stern boundary that you've made with her.  Of course she reacted poorly, and of course she pushed back.  That's to be expected.

My question if whether that month of silence was better or worse than the year of being her "emotional support animal," as you described it.

Because here's the thing; we all want the best of both worlds.  That's often not an option though and it sounds like you have to choose to back off or tolerate things you really shouldn't tolerate for your own mental health.  Ending calls sooner is an option and a good start for developing healthy boundaries.  What if it's not enough though?  Could you go back to being completely isolated from her?  That may actually be the healthiest option if these are lifelong patterns.

The month was very full of anxiety and guilt for me. In hindsight I think that those feelings were just to be expected when creating a new boundary but I misinterpreted them as my own wrongdoing and lost any progress I made in that month. I do regret going back in a subservient way, but the problem was I yelled, I didn't initiate a strong boundary consciously and thoughtfully, and that allowed me to place the guilt on myself and justify the apology. Obviously, when you apologize the BPD parent will also "reward" and that "reward" removes the anxiety and guilt at least temporarily. One odd thing is that my mother will rehash every slight and wrongdoing by myself and others for years - but she almost never mentions this particular episode except to say it was "awful". Then she drops the topic on her own. I have done a lot more research now on no contact, low contact, BPD, DBT, and trauma bonding. I am making this decision consciously and carefully. I know the emotional rewiring will take time for me. I just don't know anyone who has done this (low contact specifically) and succeeded. Someone who actually feels a reduction in anxiety, fear, guilt, and an increase in freedom and joy. Most posts I see of success stories are no contact and even these posts will usually say that an annual phone call or visit sets the whole emotional crash in motion again. I mean, maybe it is too much to hope to undo 40-odd years of training. I don't know.

[yeslady]

I understand this ( and I think several posters here do too). My relationship with my mother was also difficult. (she is now deceased)  She would also "confide in me" about her negative feelings. I also tried different ways to relate to her- one being compliant and going along with her to help keep the peace. My decision to have boundaries with her came about when my father was ill, and her behavior ecalated, and also when my kids were teens and I saw her enlisting them as her emotional caretakers in a similar way to when I was a teen.

While my sibling was her golden child, that sibling seemed to have to rebel to gain some independence so BPD mother would vent to me. I also told her I didn't want to talk about this.

Same with my then deceased father. If she was angry at me, she'd tell me how I disappointed him. I couldn't listen to that. I already was confused about my relationship with him. I was attached to him as a parent, and yet, he'd defer to BPD mother's wishes if she was angry at me. I didn't want to listen to her version of what he may have felt and I told her I wouldn't discuss my father with her.

I think when we are compliant, it's a way to feel emotionally safest. It's not a guarantee, but it's going along with the family rules. Now you have changed this but it's scary to do so. You may have the body and mind of an adult but at one point- you were a child and you didn't obey "Mommy" and got the consequences. In my mother's elder years, it didn't make sense that we kids- as grown adults, were terrified of our tiny elderly mother. But still, visiting her I would experience anxiety, and after the visit, not be able to sleep well for a few weeks. We can see our situation as adults in a rational way but we still have a stress response to our mothers.

If your mother used the silent treatment with you (mine did) when she was angry- then you may feel anxiety when she isn't calling you, even if in some ways, it gives you some space. As children, we are dependent on our mothers and a mother that isn't responding is frightening.

I think we can work with this reaction with a therapist. It's also good that you recognize it. I think what you are describing is a physical response to not going along with your mother, to "breaking the rules" that kept you safe as a child. The heart palpitations are anxiety. The rocking, to me, sounds like something a small child does to self soothe.

Hi - I just want to say first, I always love your posts and find them very reassuring and helpful. So much of what you said resonated with me. I have a similar situation with my own children that is causing me much anxiety. I would be curious to know if you found boundaries to ultimately help your well being. If the anxiety fades somewhat. I know even with my boundaries I will need to visit and celebrate holidays together and just the thought of it makes me almost immobile for days prior.

[GaGrl]

What I hear from your posts is that you are learning how to set boundaries and respond appropriately, calmly without raising your voice. Good going!!

That's not to say the learning comes without anxiety. A therapist can certainly help with this. And yes, the rocking is a self proof hint device. In fact, you might want to look into EMDR, which uses physical motion as part of the therapy and is focused on people needing to overcome trauma.

[zachira]

Deciding whether to go low contact or no contact can cause a lot of anxiety when we think that this decision is forever. You can experiment with the low contact for a while then go no contact for a time or do the no contact first. You always have the option of breaking no contact to see if low contact will work. Sometimes we need the no contact for a period of time to heal and then decide what level of contact to have if any.

[Pook075]

I just don't know anyone who has done this (low contact specifically) and succeeded.

I have very good low contact relationships with BPDs in my life- mainly my ex wife, my ex wife's brother, and my daughter.

Someone who actually feels a reduction in anxiety, fear, guilt, and an increase in freedom and joy.  Most posts I see of success stories are no contact and even these posts will usually say that an annual phone call or visit sets the whole emotional crash in motion again.

Here's something to think about.  No matter what anyone says or does in my life, I'm not going to feel anxiety, fear, and guilt for something that has nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for myself alone.  That's all I can control.  So if there's someone else trying to make me feel responsible for their situations, I don't want to focus on those relationships.  Why?  Because they don't define me and they're not within my control...why give anyone that much power over your life?

For my BPD ex wife, we have regular conversations a few times a year.  If she brings up the past, I'll try to answer her honestly and with compassion.  But if it goes further than that, I'm hopping off the phone and going on with my day.  And by doing that, over and over again in a compassionate and loving way, we no longer have the drama that was once there.  If she needs help, we simply have a real conversation and we work through things together.

My relationship with my ex changed because I changed, I stopped focusing on all the chaos and simply did what was best for me, what I'm in control of.  She no longer has any power over my life because I stopped allowing her to have it.  Again, I am responsible for myself; that's what I can control.  And nobody gets to take that away from me anymore.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not talking about pride or arrogance.  If I caused a car accident and someone was hurt, I'd absolutely do everything possible to help and feel horrible about my actions.  But that's actually on me, something that I caused.  So I'd try to make it right however I could. 

The BPD drama, on the other hand, bringing up stuff from decades ago...I'm simply not doing that.  I've sincerely apologized and moved on because that's the healthy choice.  My emotions aren't going to be held hostage.

[Notwendy]

I think the decision to go NC or LC is individual. Personally - I don’t think either one is easy. It’s a significant bond. If we have felt responsible for our BPD parent’s feelings, to change that pattern would feel anxious.

For me- the decision to choose LC over NC involved a lot of factors but it was about what I thought I could manage emotionally. My parents were a pair and if I went NC with BPD mother, it would mean NC with him too. NC would be impractical if I wanted contact with other family members too.

After Dad passed -I didn’t feel NC was right either but went LC. It was more of an emotional LC than just contact. I still wanted to be involved in her elder years.

I don’t see the relationship as a success - or not one. These are challenging situations. We just do what we can manage with them.

[Notwendy]

Hi - I just want to say first, I always love your posts and find them very reassuring and helpful. So much of what you said resonated with me. I have a similar situation with my own children that is causing me much anxiety. I would be curious to know if you found boundaries to ultimately help your well being. If the anxiety fades somewhat. I know even with my boundaries I will need to visit and celebrate holidays together and just the thought of it makes me almost immobile for days prior.

I’m glad to know my posts help. I had a counselor who took the perspective that my feelings are on my side of the fence - so mine to control. So if contact with my BPD mother felt anxious - what can I do to take care of my feelings. Less frequent contact could be helpful. What also helped was knowing if I did have contact- that was also a choice. I don’t think it changed the emotions completely. It helped to understand why she behaved that way. But we feel what we feel. I think it’s about choosing what we feel we can handle.

One adaption was staying at a hotel or with other family when visiting her. Once she was in assisted living that was the only option. When she had her house - staying there may have cost less but a hotel was my own safe space. Also not being alone with her on visits - she had better control of her behavior when others were there and I felt more secure.

[yeslady]

Here's something to think about.  No matter what anyone says or does in my life, I'm not going to feel anxiety, fear, and guilt for something that has nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for myself alone.  That's all I can control.  So if there's someone else trying to make me feel responsible for their situations, I don't want to focus on those relationships.  Why?  Because they don't define me and they're not within my control...why give anyone that much power over your life?

Hi. I really appreciated your reply and even went and read some of your other replies, to different posters. You make a lot of useful points on this site that I find helpful. I am a Christian and want to do what is right by my mom and my whole family. But I think I have been hurting them and myself by setting no boundaries. For about a decade I have talked to my mom on the phone and in person for as long as she wanted, hours at a time, while she was disregulated - just agreeing and trying to calm her. She also gets sudden urges to socialize so she will suddenly demand dinner plans etc. to which I always agreed. It's not that I never want to talk with her or have a family dinner - but I can read her moods and when she issues an invitation (for example) I can tell if this is a situation where a "no thank you" will not be tolerated. I can also tell in the middle of a conversation when things will take a bad turn just by a certain phrase or lilt in her voice. These are the moments when I want my boundary to be "no thank you" politely or "I have to go now". Simply because I am getting a bad feeling and think this is a set-up (so to speak). These kinds of invitations are clearly some kind of loyalty test. The calls that take these turns are both tests of compliance and abuse. So, I want to keep one of my boundaries as being "this just doesn't feel right to me, so, I'm going to end the call/say no thank you without explaining much or blaming" - while doing all this with kindness and calm. I also want to limit the quantity of interactions because I feel extended repeated exposure to her rehashing of past wrongs etc. is distorting my ability to think rationally. Before I would call her practically every other day and run to answer calls from her. But now I am thinking once to maximum twice a week I will call and only stay on if the call remains (basically) positive. I want to temporarily stop answering calls because they make me feel ambushed. She usually only calls because she suddently wants a social event, like the same day, and I just don't want to put myself in that position. I want to know if this sounds like fair, just boundaries and ones that could possibly improve relations between us while also increasing my sense of autonomy. I really don't want to be cruel or vindictive - though I have many moments where I feel anger. I am trying to approach this as objectively as I can and not allow my emotions (anger, anxiety, etc.) make the decisions for me.

[Pook075]

Hi. I really appreciated your reply and even went and read some of your other replies, to different posters. You make a lot of useful points on this site that I find helpful. I am a Christian and want to do what is right by my mom and my whole family. But I think I have been hurting them and myself by setting no boundaries. For about a decade I have talked to my mom on the phone and in person for as long as she wanted, hours at a time, while she was disregulated - just agreeing and trying to calm her. She also gets sudden urges to socialize so she will suddenly demand dinner plans etc. to which I always agreed. It's not that I never want to talk with her or have a family dinner - but I can read her moods and when she issues an invitation (for example) I can tell if this is a situation where a "no thank you" will not be tolerated. I can also tell in the middle of a conversation when things will take a bad turn just by a certain phrase or lilt in her voice. These are the moments when I want my boundary to be "no thank you" politely or "I have to go now". Simply because I am getting a bad feeling and think this is a set-up (so to speak). These kinds of invitations are clearly some kind of loyalty test. The calls that take these turns are both tests of compliance and abuse. So, I want to keep one of my boundaries as being "this just doesn't feel right to me, so, I'm going to end the call/say no thank you without explaining much or blaming" - while doing all this with kindness and calm. I also want to limit the quantity of interactions because I feel extended repeated exposure to her rehashing of past wrongs etc. is distorting my ability to think rationally. Before I would call her practically every other day and run to answer calls from her. But now I am thinking once to maximum twice a week I will call and only stay on if the call remains (basically) positive. I want to temporarily stop answering calls because they make me feel ambushed. She usually only calls because she suddently wants a social event, like the same day, and I just don't want to put myself in that position. I want to know if this sounds like fair, just boundaries and ones that could possibly improve relations between us while also increasing my sense of autonomy. I really don't want to be cruel or vindictive - though I have many moments where I feel anger. I am trying to approach this as objectively as I can and not allow my emotions (anger, anxiety, etc.) make the decisions for me.

I am a Christian as well and to be honest, I wouldn't have got through any of this without God.  Through the worst times, I was praying and in my Bible seeking answers, trying to find the balance between compassion and frustration.  Those two things just don't go together, yet we feel them every day with a BPD in our life.

This isn't about being mean- it's about what's best for you and your mental health.  By placing more focus on your faith and your individual needs, it will help you realize that your mom's problems are not your problems.  I completely understand what you're saying; sometimes my BPD daughter calls me to vent and she'll ramble on for hours over nonsense...it literally hurts my brain as I get a glimpse of how she processes the world. 

But then I come to compassion- imagine if that's how I thought 24/7.  It would be heartbreaking to live that way under so much fear, stress, and remorse.

I'm not saying not to talk to your mom, or not to listen to her ramble on.  I'm saying the opposite.  When she's dysregulated, don't get sucked in by the words, the narratives.  "You'll never believe what Aunt Becky said to the mailman..." (I'm making this up as I go).  Something like that isn't about Becky or the mailman, it's about how it made your mom feel.  So you lean in and talk about feelings, cutting your mom off if necessary.  "That would break my heart feeling that way, it must have been so stressful for you.  How are you feeling now?"

Why?  Because it's skipping the entire narrative of disordered thinking and getting to the root of the problem.  Something happened that hurt your mom, she can't state exactly what that was because she's mentally ill, so she wants to talk in circles for an hour about the injustice.  You're turning the tides by saying nope, let's focus on you and move on.  Let me help you process this so you can return to your baseline instead of being ultra happy/sad/angry/jealous/whatever.

When I started doing that with my BPD ex and BPD daughter, everything changed for a few reasons:

1)  They'd call me when they wanted to calm down and feel safe/secure.  I wouldn't let them ramble and I'd help center them quickly with calm, loving dialogue that cuts to the root of the problem.  (Again, it's not Aunt Becky....it's feeling alone, betrayed, etc.)

2)  When they wanted to rant, they'd call someone else because they knew I'd go in a different direction.  I was there for calmness, peace.  But I wasn't the guy to dig into drama and badmouth someone.

In essence, it's about validating what's valid (feelings of hurt) while never validating what's invalid (Aunt Becky is a terrible person).  We focus on the feelings and help them calm down, find balance, and move past the moment.

On average today, my BPD daughter and I talk maybe 3 minutes a month about disordered rambling.  The rest is just regular conversation about work, life, etc.  A few years ago, we had hours of dysregulated conversations every single day and our relationship was horrible.

God calls for you to live in peace.  Please remember that, you're not meant to be in the middle of every storm your mother faces in life. 

Speaking to her less while you're learning these skills is a great place to start.  Why?  Because right now, you let her ramble...which feels good to her in the moment but ultimately leaves her feeling empty inside.  So she rambles again later that day because her "method of dealing with it" is unhealthy and unproductive.  It only builds tension and stress, making her even more unstable.

Once you can begin to cut through that stuff and focus on what actually matters (her feelings that are spiraling), then you can limit these instances to some degree and actually help your mom regulate.  To get there though, you have to get your own mental health in a place where you're mentally strong enough to show her compassion. 

That's why you always come first...if you're struggling, then your mom will struggle all the more.  You have to be the rock that everything else is built on, so to speak.  And there's absolutely no way to get there when you feel like pulling your hair out...I know that from experience because I was there for many, many years.

I will be praying for you and your situation specifically.  Hopefully this helps.

[Notwendy]

I think every major religion and all cultures place an importance on how we treat our parents, and everyone who I have seen post here has struggled with their own moral, religious, and cultural expectations on this relationship.

In a "normal" mother- child relationship, there's a balance. The parent cares about the adult child's needs and the adult child cares about the parent's needs. With my mother, her needs required all her focus.

I also "cut through" the verbal smoke and mirrors when she called me and focused on her needs, but even when I didn't react emotionally, hearing my mother's emotional distress was still difficult. She would say she was calling me to help her feel better. I wanted her to feel better. I had previously called her on a schedule basis but her needs increased in her elder years. Still, since I didn't live close to her, I felt that whatever I could do by phone was not ever enough.

12 step ACA groups work for BPD parents too. The dynamics with BPD and alcohol use are similar. These programs are adapted from the original 12 step Blue Book. That book was written by Christians and adapted to more universal belief systems "higher power" to reach a larger population. They do not promote any religion. Even atheists can adapt it. However, the programs are not incompatible with Christianity or any religion. So you may wish to check them out.

The ACA red book explores the religious ideas we were raised with as parents influence our concept of God. The idea is not to reject your own religion but to form a more mature concept of God, different from the one you formed as a child.

My mother did not like boundaries and yet I felt I needed them for my own emotional well being. It felt like walking a small balance beam- sometimes falling to one side (enabling) and some times to the other (doing too little) and sometimes I stayed on balance. Try what seems to work for you, then you might need to readjust. It is a work in progress.

[yeslady]

Hello and thank you all for your thoughtful replies. After I made these posts my BPD mother greatly escalated the situation as she was rebelling against the low contact I had implemented. I won't go into specifics, but it involved my children and my sister's children and was very upsetting as my mom was particularly disregulated. I realized at this point that my own enmeshment had created a very toxic situation in which she was dangerously attached to me and that low contact would never be accepted. I additionally realized that I was putting my kids at risk and harming my marriage all for the sake of appeasing her. I did a lot of thinking and could come to no other possible solution that sending her a no contact email. I have informed all of my family members of this decision and plan to send the email today. My problem is my mother lives very close and ... I am so scared. I am terrified. I can find no information online about what kind of reaction to expect. I don't even know if she will ever accept this or if she will still randomly show up to verbally (possibly physically) attack me for the rest of my life. I have blocked her number and plan to have my husband home before I send it off. If anyone could give me an idea of what to expect and how long no contact takes to be accepted (if it ever is) I would appreciate it.

[zachira]

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they often do everything to control how other people see you, making everyone they can see you in a negative light. Be prepared for the reactions of others, and how you are going to respond to them, to lessen the effects of your mother's  likely ongoing smear campaign of you and those flying monkeys she recruits. 

[Pook075]

Hello and thank you all for your thoughtful replies. After I made these posts my BPD mother greatly escalated the situation as she was rebelling against the low contact I had implemented. I won't go into specifics, but it involved my children and my sister's children and was very upsetting as my mom was particularly disregulated. I realized at this point that my own enmeshment had created a very toxic situation in which she was dangerously attached to me and that low contact would never be accepted. I additionally realized that I was putting my kids at risk and harming my marriage all for the sake of appeasing her. I did a lot of thinking and could come to no other possible solution that sending her a no contact email. I have informed all of my family members of this decision and plan to send the email today. My problem is my mother lives very close and ... I am so scared. I am terrified. I can find no information online about what kind of reaction to expect. I don't even know if she will ever accept this or if she will still randomly show up to verbally (possibly physically) attack me for the rest of my life. I have blocked her number and plan to have my husband home before I send it off. If anyone could give me an idea of what to expect and how long no contact takes to be accepted (if it ever is) I would appreciate it.

I'm so sorry things took an ugly turn, but at the same time it's not surprising.  Why?  Because you're doing something your mom doesn't like, so she's doing what she's always done to make you come running and apologizing to her.  When it didn't work, she just upped the pressure.

I don't know you or your mom personally, so nobody here can tell you what to expect.  If it gets ugly and she shows up making threats, then a restraining order might be needed.  Hopefully it doesn't come to that.  In many cases, your role ends up being replaced by another friend or family member and you're cut off from her world...until that relationship falters as well.  Then your mom would try to rekindle things and start fresh.

For now, take a deep breath.  You'll get through this.  It might get worse before it gets better, but you're in control now and building a barrier.