No, I'm not asking you to fake it...because you can't spend the rest of your life living a lie.
Let's roleplay for a moment.
We're going to the mall and it's a great day- we're close friends and all is well. We're talking laughing, and having a fine time.
As we pass the food court, we see an elderly person who's confused, yelling, and accusing everyone around him of something. He says things like, "How did I get here? Why did you kidnap me? What have you done with my wife?"
A security guard approaches the old man and he becomes even more enraged. "Don't touch me, I'm not going anywhere with you! Get away from me!" Then he swings his cane at the officer and almost falls down in the process.
Now, you and I might have different ideas on what's going on here. After all, the old man says he's been kidnapped. But the look on his face says he's just scared, confused, and in need of some help.
Yet look where his emotions are- he's showing anger and frustration. In other words, his feelings aren't matching up with his words at all.
We saw the officer approach logically, and we saw how that played out. Not good. So how can we help this man?
Personally, I would approach him slowly and speak just above a whisper. I'd show concern for him because that's what I'm genuinely feeling. I'd tell him right up front that everything is okay, he's safe, and I'm there to make sure he gets home safely. I'd ask if he wants to sit down or if we could get him something to eat.
I'd be kind, gentle, and patient, because that's what his emotions are telling me he needs.
Hopefully I'd win the old man over and he'd start to calm down. Because that's the only goal here, make him feel safe and help him relax. Maybe that would help his memory. And in taking that approach, I might just gain his trust. Because without his trust, I can't help him.
The same is true for your husband- maybe his words don't align with his emotions when he's struggling internally. He doesn't have dementia like the old man, but it's very similar when it comes to emotions. When things get hard, they can react badly.
Compassion is the key to all of this, but to get there you have to ignore the words completely. Think about an infant crying...there are no words. So how do you know what to do? In essence, you don't. But you calm the baby down and then start checking to see if he's hungry, needs to be changed, etc. Because that's the main thing the baby needs- comfort. Your husband is exactly the same.
I hope that helps!
This roleplay was fantastic. Thank you! Actually, I recently saw an article which said that one of the meds for Alzheimers is being studued with people with BPD, because the same area of the brain is affected in terms of anger/fear reactions.
