Escaped after living with someone with unmanaged BPD—now facing smear campaigns

[Depression = 72% of members]

Living with someone with untreated or unmanaged BPD was like living under a totalitarian dictatorship. Every moment felt like being trapped in a surveillance state—24/7 supervision, constant monitoring, and extreme control over my actions and words. Any perceived “transgression” wasn’t just a mistake, it was treated like a betrayal of the regime, and I was branded the enemy—an externalized source of all “evil” that had to be punished and “made well.”

There was no room for dissent or privacy; emotional loyalty was demanded with ruthless enforcement, and fear of abandonment became a weapon to maintain control. I was not a partner but a subject under strict rule, where the slightest misstep could trigger harsh consequences.

I escaped 8 weeks ago, finally breaking free from the regime—but instead of peace, I’m now facing a vengeful crackdown. The smear campaigns, ultimatums, and harassment feel like propaganda wars designed to discredit and isolate me. It’s as if the regime won’t allow any freedom or escape, sending out spies and sabotage to control the narrative and keep me under siege.

If you're going through something similar, keep records, stay grounded in truth, and remember: freedom always comes with turbulence, but peace follows when you don’t go back.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of post-breakup retaliation? How did you cope and protect yourself?

[CalmPeace]

Living with someone with untreated or unmanaged BPD was like living under a totalitarian dictatorship. Every moment felt like being trapped in a surveillance state—24/7 supervision, constant monitoring, and extreme control over my actions and words. Any perceived “transgression” wasn’t just a mistake, it was treated like a betrayal of the regime, and I was branded the enemy—an externalized source of all “evil” that had to be punished and “made well.”

There was no room for dissent or privacy; emotional loyalty was demanded with ruthless enforcement, and fear of abandonment became a weapon to maintain control. I was not a partner but a subject under strict rule, where the slightest misstep could trigger harsh consequences.

I escaped 8 weeks ago, finally breaking free from the regime—but instead of peace, I’m now facing a vengeful crackdown. The smear campaigns, ultimatums, and harassment feel like propaganda wars designed to discredit and isolate me. It’s as if the regime won’t allow any freedom or escape, sending out spies and sabotage to control the narrative and keep me under siege.

If you're going through something similar, keep records, stay grounded in truth, and remember: freedom always comes with turbulence, but peace follows when you don’t go back.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of post-breakup retaliation? How did you cope and protect yourself?

[PeteWitsend]

Living with someone with untreated or unmanaged BPD was like living under a totalitarian dictatorship. Every moment felt like being trapped in a surveillance state—24/7 supervision, constant monitoring, and extreme control over my actions and words. Any perceived “transgression” wasn’t just a mistake, it was treated like a betrayal of the regime, and I was branded the enemy—an externalized source of all “evil” that had to be punished and “made well.”

There was no room for dissent or privacy; emotional loyalty was demanded with ruthless enforcement, and fear of abandonment became a weapon to maintain control. I was not a partner but a subject under strict rule, where the slightest misstep could trigger harsh consequences.

I escaped 8 weeks ago, finally breaking free from the regime—but instead of peace, I’m now facing a vengeful crackdown. The smear campaigns, ultimatums, and harassment feel like propaganda wars designed to discredit and isolate me. It’s as if the regime won’t allow any freedom or escape, sending out spies and sabotage to control the narrative and keep me under siege.

If you're going through something similar, keep records, stay grounded in truth, and remember: freedom always comes with turbulence, but peace follows when you don’t go back.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of post-breakup retaliation? How did you cope and protect yourself?

Well, for one thing, they're still just one human.  They may get others to believe them for a little while, but also a lot of people won't believe them, or won't care.  And pwBPD struggle with all relationships, so expect that they're going to burn bridges with some of these people they may currently be engaging with in a smear campaign against you. 

In my own experience, most people will try to stay "neutral" understanding that there are a lot of bitter exes out there smearing their former partners, and so they will take everything your ex says with a grain of salt; they nod and agree with something the ex says just to avoid taking sides, but in practice they'll stay cordial with you and not engage with the smear campaign.  In these situations, it's probably better just to stay quiet and let your ex look like the bitter one.

There may be some people (typically losers) who go along with the BPD-ex and hold things against you.  I would only confront them if necessary.  And don't corner them when you do it, and don't try to play he said/she said, just tell them there are two sides to every story, they weren't there, and  you're disappointed they're taking sides like that.  Or something along those lines.  Shame them.  If there's some specific allegation from your ex that they're worked up about, you can hopefully show them some evidence to support where you're coming from, and let them make up their own mind about whether your ex is telling the truth or not. 

I don't know what you're dealing with specifically, but I think the best course of action is when you're dealing with evidence-free slander from a pwBPD that boils down to just gossip or social media posts, ignoring it is the best policy.  If you absolutely have to deny something, do it and move on.  Don't get dragged into arguments that go in circles. 

Don't wrestle in the mud with a pig, as the saying goes, because you'll just get dirty and the pig will enjoy it. 

Now if there's something more specific they're saying or doing, maybe you do have to take actions to stop it, but that depends on a case-by-case basis. 

[HoratioX]

I don't think someone has to have BPD or similar to be vindictive and spread lies after the fact. But it doesn't help.

We live an age where accusations have been weaponized. They are now too often treated as the same thing as proof of guilt. People will take action solely on an accusation, including against innocent people, and feel no compunction about the damage they cause, which can be massive. Maybe, after ruining an innocent person's life, they might apologize, but doubtful. People are too caught up in the frenzy of feeling they're heroes to worry about whether they actually are.

So, I tell everyone -- and practice it myself -- to watch very carefully what you do and say and to keep as many records as possible in any relationship. Texts and emails are good because they are a third-party physical record. No, you shouldn't live your life as though under constant surveillance. But in particular if you're a man these days, you're at a disadvantage if accused of anything, especially by a woman. And if that woman is cold, scheming, and vengeful, she knows she's more likely than not to be believed.

Now, all that said, my ex. with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) never directly accused me of anything untoward, though her memory was inconsistent if not wrong from time to time and not always to my advantage. She occasionally said some things to me that were pretty cutting -- including telling me that some of her friends and family members thought poorly about me, which I mostly doubt now -- and she got physical with me enough to leave bruises when she was upset.

But when we started our relationship, she talked frequently about her ex (who she went back and forth with while with me) being an abusive monster. As we got deeper into our relationship, that, of course, brought out my knight in shining armor qualities, as it would in most guys. The more she saw that, the more she would share about how awful he was.

But then we'd break up, and she'd go back to him, and vice versa.

So, I'm going to assume she was saying very much the same kinds of things about me to whoever would listen, including him. I never once did or said anything to her that could be interpreted as abusive or anything close. But scheming people -- including some with BPD (etc.) -- will see what buttons they can push in people with the lies they tell.

This, by the way, is why I tell anyone who breaks up with someone with BPD (etc.) to go no contact. Not only does this protect you against saying something that in the heat of emotion you might regret later, it also stops the person with BPD from performing some agenda they might have. If you're broken up, you're broken up. There is no further need for contact unless it's to salve problems and work toward resolution. But as my advice is to run as far and fast away from anyone with BPD (etc.), you should not be looking for resolution. You should just be thankful that you escaped.

[ForeverDad]

Living with someone with untreated or unmanaged BPD was like living under a totalitarian dictatorship. Every moment felt like being trapped in a surveillance state—24/7 supervision, constant monitoring, and extreme control over my actions and words. Any perceived “transgression” wasn’t just a mistake, it was treated like a betrayal of the regime, and I was branded the enemy—an externalized source of all “evil” that had to be punished and “made well.”

Much about the Borderline experience is about perceptions, prejudices, moods and feelings.  Facts and reality get overwhelmed and denied.

The triggers for a person with BPD traits can vary.  It often can be worsened by perceived childhood traumas but not always.

Having children together can make ending all contact impossible after a failed relationship since there are custody and parenting schedules.  That was my story.  I was clueless that I was dealing with serious mental dysfunction and hoped having a child would make my then-spouse happy with a new life to share.  That backfired big time.  As much as children are blessings, it can end the adult relationship sooner.

In my own experience, most people will try to stay "neutral" understanding that there are a lot of bitter exes out there smearing their former partners, and so they will take everything your ex says with a grain of salt; they nod and agree with something the ex says just to avoid taking sides, but in practice they'll stay cordial with you and not engage with the smear campaign.  In these situations, it's probably better just to stay quiet and let your ex look like the bitter one.

Time will reveal all, usually.  Getting our lives back is a process, not an event, and can be compared to struggling through a long dark tunnel but there's a bright spot ahead to focus upon and life will then get much better.

Don't wrestle in the mud with a pig, as the saying goes, because you'll just get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

[Tangled mangled]

What I’ve learned is that smear campaign works when they can recruit people who are toxic folks themselves. If those were frenemies then the smear campaigns would expose them and you are able to move forward knowing you didn’t lose healthy friendships.

In my case, my family of origin live I. A different continent but were as toxic as my ex so when my relationship fell apart he didn’t here any use in recruiting my family of origin as I had already cut ties with them. If he continues to relate with them then it’s to his disadvantage as my FOO are users who would only take from him.