drawnbackjag
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged/Dating
Posts: 2
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« on: August 13, 2025, 12:10:20 AM » |
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Where do I even begin.
There is quite frankly WAY too much stuff to unpack but seeing as is this one of the most if not only reliable sources of BPD support on the internet - I am more than confident in knowing that you all know better than me.
To begin things, I have known my pwBPD since high school, she approached me and drew a "liking" towards me, I was 2 grades above her. The word liking was nothing more than just a definition - pairing words with more words - until she came along.
She obsessed over me for the entirety of those that short lived High school experience. I moved states and was isolated but more on the outgoing and friendly side (a bit attractive too) so making friends was automatic, they all came to me and I had a nice friend group. She added me on social media and messaged me first, calling me a pretty boy and saying how she wanted to get to know me. It's blurry now but I wish I could remember what she said word for word. I reached out to her in summer and that was mind-blowing to her, we spoke while I vacationed in the EU with family for about 3 weeks. I came home and discarded home. I admit, dick move, but I can't go back now. She messaged me shortly after our 3 week escapade and told me she hated me, and that she would never forgive me.
Throughout the years she trauma bonded me, keeping me farther from her truth, her reality, I saw it with my own eyes almost 2 years ago now and I have yet to fully heal from just the image of it. She reached out to me in late 23', asking if I wanted to date, I denied her, but wanted to pursue being friends. I thought nothing of the attachment I was to face.
Her "reality" I was made aware of was brought to my eyes during Early 24', we were professing love for one another and it felt mutual, for real, but I had my doubts and my gut was going haywire so I decided to see for myself, drove to where her location was at.
Yeah, my heart shattered in front of my eyes, I confronted her, asked her who she was with and she told me she was in class - with nobody but herself. I told her what I saw and she apologized, but stood on it, saying how I rejected her in late 23'.
It feels like she has a genuine connection to me/urge to hurt me because of the unfortunate actions I took during that summer way back when, she convinced me she loved me, only to project her hurt onto me and make me beg for mercy during my weakest moments. She rewired my pathways but I'm on the verge of getting them back, 80% of the way there.
We're still together, she started to idealize me again, I've broken her cycle 6-7 times now. She told me that there's no going back and the only way it will work is if we stayed together forever, regardless of what I knew about BPD. I was the idiot who chose to disregard it the last year we have been together.
Is it too late to be the person I can be for her? I am emotionally reliable (a bit dependent as of this moment typing but I have been hardcore empathizing with her, I love her) and willing to make a difference for her regardless of the way her agenda is set up - I know how to keep her balanced.
My question is, if she is bouncing between devaluation/idealization and keeps the physical intimacy (all time high physically too, I genuinely feel like she is emotionally cheating on me with a person on the internet because she has told me I fill every void possible for her without doing much, just being with her and being nice/supportive) (has been sending me random TikTok's of a man on a virtual game with around 400-500 people, harmless, sweet looking guy, not too worried about it)
Regardless of the circumstances I did push her aside to give attention to my health and planning the future - I spent the last 3 or 4 months doing this and she was not happy with it. I can say that the detachment started around 3 weeks ago and I hate the feeling of someone else (a chronically online weirdo) inspiring her to do things that she might not want to do.
I told her I want 100% in both aspects, she swore she would give me just that. We'll see. I have my doubts, but I have my hopes too.
- dbj
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