Months Long Dyregulation

[izzitme]

Hi I need help. My undx husband is in a months long dysregulation against me, which typically happens, but he has never been so verbally abusive toward me. The things he has said to me have me reeling and the names he has called me and the very sensitive things that have happened in my life recently, he is throwing in my face. The initial dysregulation left me so scared, betrayed and wounded that I cordially pulled away to work on healing my sense of value and worth because I felt so emotionally massacred. He can't see his part in things, just my reactions, so I am doing EMDR to figure out why I react. So he apologized for yelling at me but said he meant everything he said. I said I have been asking to talk for months but he won't. So I conceded that I would reconnect and be nicer, which means me take whatever he gives. So I think I have to let go of all the ways he has betrayed me and all the horrible name calling and accusations and just go back to being really loving.

I really just wish I had a hug right now so someone can reaffirm to me that I am not what he says I am.

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[I Am Redeemed]

Wow, that sounds really hard.

 

Here's a virtual hug.

You are not the horrible things he's told you that you are.

I have recently been in exactly your situation, where my kid's dad said some of the most horrific things to me. It can be incredibly damaging.

EMDR is super helpful for me. I think that's a great way to take care of yourself at this time.

It can help you be less reactive and more centered so that you can process out your feelings better.

It doesn't take away the injury. There will still be emotional effects. You're not a robot.

Do you place expectations on yourself to basically gloss over his behavior and live a productive life in the midst of verbal abuse? Man, I do, sometimes, and he plays on that to blame me and get me to thinking I should be doing something that is actually extremely challenging: not be affected by his behavior so he can downplay it and not have to feel shame about it.

What makes you feel that "being nicer" means "taking what he gives".

It's possible to set boundaries without being mean and rude.

It's hard to get to a place where your triggers don't elicit a reaction. Even with EMDR, some things still trigger me, I just don't have as intense a reaction. It is possible to become less reactive and more mindful. It's challenging to do that in the middle of an environment that is currently traumatic, though.

It sounds like you're feeling really hurt and vulnerable and you can't share with him how his behavior has affected you.

You can share with us.

How are you feeling today?

[izzitme]

You said EXACTLY how I fit into this dynamic and my therapist showed me how that is just confirming to him that his behavior is okay cuz it will just get me to do what he wants.

He goes between he will commit suicide if I leave and take the dogs and get the F out, which is terrifying because I have multiple sclerosis. I finally told him last night that the things he says live inside of me and he is actually getting the response he doesn't like in the long run. I did tell him I am considering leaving him and that since he loves to say he isn't attracted to me that I am now not attracted to him. So now I am no longer split to "all bad" and am "all good" and he wants to be my everything and will go to couples counseling so I feel "safe" to express myself. I am VERY cautious about that.

Sounds like you are in a very similar situation to me and thank you for validating my experience.

You take good care of yourself

[Alex V]

BIG HUG!!

[I Am Redeemed]

You said EXACTLY how I fit into this dynamic and my therapist showed me how that is just confirming to him that his behavior is okay cuz it will just get me to do what he wants.

He goes between he will commit suicide if I leave and take the dogs and get the F out, which is terrifying because I have multiple sclerosis. I finally told him last night that the things he says live inside of me and he is actually getting the response he doesn't like in the long run. I did tell him I am considering leaving him and that since he loves to say he isn't attracted to me that I am now not attracted to him. So now I am no longer split to "all bad" and am "all good" and he wants to be my everything and will go to couples counseling so I feel "safe" to express myself. I am VERY cautious about that.

Sounds like you are in a very similar situation to me and thank you for validating my experience.

You take good care of yourself

Thank you, I am trying to take care of myself. In my case, there has been physical violence, and he's currently in jail. But the verbal and emotional abuse were the worst, TBH.

My experience with couples counseling was that he split the counselor black and accused me of manipulating and lying during sessions.

He also loves to yell at me how he doesn't want to be with me. It's a controlling behavior designed to keep me "one down".

Are you afraid of how you will make it on your own, with your MS?

Have you explored what would be necessary and if there are resources to help?