How can I feel stronger so I can free myself ?

[Casablanca]

 Hello, I am new to the whole thing of seeking help. My daughter is 22 and has BPD and now has a 3 year old son who is autistic. I hit the trifecta. I am all alone and I don’t live, I exist. I feel like a mummy and fear and anxiety are my constant companion. I am drained financially, and emotionally. I have nothing left to give and do not talk and share since every advice people give me sucks and doesn’t work. I am afraid of getting cancer like my mother and all my life I looked after my parents as caregiver and slave and now I will do the same for my daughter until I die and this was my life. Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Casablanca and welcome here.
Your pain, exhaustion and aloneness calls out from every word of your post. You are completely drained in every possible way. I understand your not talking – I had the same experience many years ago – trying to explain to people who have no idea of what BPD looks like. I found people thought of it as normal teenage stuff and tough love was the answer.

At that time I didn’t understand BPD either and so I used to try some of their suggestions – and the results were not good.

I am really impressed by your headnote:   How can I feel stronger so I can free myself ?

For much of the time as carer, the focus is on the other person -but there does come a time when we have to shift that focus.  The step you have taken in posting here is enormous – don’t underestimate how much it means to post exactly how you feel.

It’s a big first step away from ‘Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.’

The 4 things you mention are connected: The slavery – at the beck and call of another – and the abuse – devalued and blamed for everything – mean living with constant heartache and abuse.

One of the first steps I took was to do with the abuse and blame. Coming here was the best thing because I read that other people were blamed too – so I was seeing what BPD IS on a day to day basis. I looked at myself, realised I had the done the best I could at any point in time – and those words were NOT going to land on me. I told my DD I was not going to respond when she started ‘picking on me’ was/is the phrase I use to her – because it made it worse for her.

Then I began freeing my mind from so much of what was happening. My mantra when I was/as totally anxious is ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. In other words I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE – a big thing for me because I wear the ‘responsibility hat’ all my life.

I used my imagination to let the words fly past me like cricket balls. I took myself mentally to another place when times were bad.

I found small spaces for time outs physically – stopping for a a coffee on way home from shopping instead of rushing back to DD. Making a small place outside to sit even for a few minutes.

These are such small things really but in my experience starting with small spaces that are for me was very important. The most important thing for me though has been the mental freedom by letting go of responsibility.

It seems as though you have been responsible all your life. I can only pass on that for me the letting go of responsibility was the key. Not much else has changed in my life in practical terms, but I love my DD I am there for her, I am not responsible for her and I put my mind to other things – I feel free.

It took a while – and this is just my story. It may not be the right path for you. But you will find a way – and coming here is the start of a new path.