Some helpful truths to live by

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Things I read, or which were said, over time after discard which have become more and more obviously true over time, and might be helpful to others:

1. The relationship, or rather, interaction (a relationship requires genuine participation in both directions) was not special, but rather deeply repetitive and un-unique. It was part of a toxic cycle the BPD person began well before you appeared, and it will continue well after you are gone.

2. The red flags were there from the beginning. At a certain point, asking why you overlooked them will be more helpful than relitigating the BPD's toxic and unreasonable behaviour.

3. You were not loved, you were flattered and mirrored.

4. The positive qualities the BPD latched onto are real and still with you. They are incapable of love, but they can illuminate for you what you consider loveable in yourself.

5. You will never get answers from a disordered person. And if you did, they would be meaningless.

6. Go and be yourself and hold onto your integrity! It's all you have.

[hotchip]

Things I read, or which were said, over time after discard which have become more and more obviously true over time, and might be helpful to others:

1. The relationship, or rather, interaction (a relationship requires genuine participation in both directions) was not special, but rather deeply repetitive and un-unique. It was part of a toxic cycle the BPD person began well before you appeared, and it will continue well after you are gone.

2. The red flags were there from the beginning. At a certain point, asking why you overlooked them will be more helpful than relitigating the BPD's toxic and unreasonable behaviour.

3. You were not loved, you were flattered and mirrored.

4. The positive qualities the BPD latched onto are real and still with you. They are incapable of love, but they can illuminate for you what you consider loveable in yourself.

5. You will never get answers from a disordered person. And if you did, they would be meaningless.

6. Go and be yourself and hold onto your integrity! It's all you have.

[ForeverDad]

6. Go and be yourself and hold onto your integrity! It's all you have.

Our integrity is precious and much too rare. "Until I die, I will not renounce my integrity!" - Job 27:5

"Be wise, my son, and make my heart rejoice, So that I can make a reply to him who taunts me." - Proverbs 27:11

[PeteWitsend]

...
1. The relationship, or rather, interaction (a relationship requires genuine participation in both directions) was not special, but rather deeply repetitive and un-unique. It was part of a toxic cycle the BPD person began well before you appeared, and it will continue well after you are gone.

...

These are all really good points, and I think should almost be stickied, or printed out and handed to everyone getting out of a relationship with a BPDer if they're still questioning what they could have done to make things better, and whether they should reach out again.

I like the part I bolded above the most though, because that really hammers home that the dysfunction has nothing to do with the non-disordered partner, and would be occurring with someone else if they were not there.  All you can really do is not engage at all and move on. 

It made me think of the quote from the computer at the end of the movie War Games sometimes...

[hotchip]

Thanks Pete! Yes, that part really is the key. I think it's also the biggest struggle to accept. If it wasn't to do with you, it wasn't your fault. But if it wasn't to do with you, you also weren't special to the BPD - the wonderful romantic story where they idealised you and planned to share a life, a world, has no substance. A bitter pill to swallow.

That's where point 4 comes in.

[zachira]

Great list!

Some of the red flags we often overlook are:
1) Is there a genuine connection or are we being love bombed to be taken advantage of later?
2) They do not do well in close relationships and abuse the people closest to them while working hard to maintain a positive image to the outside world.
3) Relationships are transactional. So when they need you, they are around. There can be several cycles of discard and then coming back to get their needs met.

Some of the green flags are:
1) They do not need to impress others and will let you know when they disagree with you on issues important to them. I truly believe a person does not become a friend until we can respectfully disagree with each other, try to learn from our differences.

2) They are pretty much the same decent person with everybody. They have integrity and and an integrated personality that does not suddenly change on the spur of the moment due to the circumstances and people they are around.

[Me88]

These are helpful. I need this today. Feeling down.