Devious manuplation, no respect for boundaries

[bus boy]

Its getting more and more clear Xw is manuplateing her BF and sees he has little or no boundaries and is taking advantage of that. She is trying to cause conflict but I'm not biting. If Xw's BF had boundaries and was mentally healthy he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing, if he was healthy she would of dropped him long ago. He doesn't see it but I do, I refuse to let a resentment build up inside me over him. I am working very hard on using the tools I have to get and stay mentally healthy. Xw is amping things up more and more all the time. Earlier this week my request to pick s10 up early for weekend access was denied but she got her BF to pick up s10 instead. I am not angry at him, she wants that, the last thing she wants is us talking. In a normal r/s the parent doesn't use the BF/gf like a parent when the other parent is reliable competent and always ready to help parent. If the BF/gf was healthy they would be involved where they shouldn't be involved. As I get more healthy I can look in from the outside and see how unhealthy Xw r/s is. I can see her manuplation at work.

[heartandwhole]

Hi bus boy,

It's good that you can take a step back and see what's going on. When we are "in it," it can be so hard to see what's going on.

What tools have been the most helpful for you in this situation?

heartandwhole

[bus boy]

Hi heartandwhole, I have learned so much over time. Between my T and these boards I learned to let go to emotionally detach. I didn't use these tools effectively while I was attached to Xw. As I posted in the past she left when s10 was 4 months old we kept a sexual attachment until June 2015, in September 2015 I found out she had a replacement for me but she had him for a long time, I feel even when she was still sleeping with me. Even before I found out of my replacement I struggled, didn't know how to use my tools. Although I was deviststed upon hearing of my replacement I knew I had to do something about my emotional pain so the real hard work started at that time. She moved her BF into her house pretty fast, she is fast on sex as well, she wanted sex on our second date. A professional sexual manipulator. Had I'm very involved in s10's life right off the bat after s10 met him. I knew I had lots of accepting to do, lots of letting go to do or I would be no good to me or s10. I started putting me energy into s10, I refuse to pry into what Xw and BF are up to. I realize a new partner in a r/s where a child is involved meant that person being in the child's life so I really had to work on that. Although this is a case of way over the boundaries involvement in s10's life, right now there is not much I can do but accept it. Last year at s10 swimming lessons Xw got her BF to remove s10's cloths out of the locker room into another locker room, when swimming was over I was waiting in the locker room for s10 to get him dressed but he wasn't coming, I went back out to the pool and no s10. I kept looking and found s10 his mother and her BF in a different locker room. Right than and there I knew I had to change how I deal with all of this, I still struggled as my posts indicate but very slowly I detached, I let go, I grew. Xw wants something from me she's not going to get, conflict. She is a high conflict person. Another thing I did was let go of want to tell the BF he's tickling the dragons tail by being with her. It's best to let him find out on his own. Right now he's mind blows by her endless appetite for sex and how nice she can be as long as he enables. So I use all those letting go/ detaching tools and enjoy s10.

[heartandwhole]

So I use all those letting go/ detaching tools and enjoy s10.

Bus boy I commend you for doing this.  And for staying out of that drama triangle. That is not easy, especially when a child is involved. It sounds like you have been growing a lot.

Your ex may appear to want drama, but that's not your problem anymore. You are getting more and more centered and peaceful—that's what counts, and that's what your S10 needs.

Thank you for sharing.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi busboy,

Earlier this week my request to pick s10 up early for weekend access was denied but she got her BF to pick up s10 instead.

You sound better   I think that you're in Canada like me, have you heard of the right to first refusal? I think that this applies to the US too actually, the right to first refusal means that if your ex needs someone to watch S10, you would be the first person that she has to go to and ask if you're available to watch him then work her way down from there, so she can't start with asking her bf or a family member, but if you refuse then she has the right to ask them.

Do you have a court order?

[bus boy]

HI mutt, I am in Canada. Go leafs go  . I do have a new court order but it's as loose as the past 4 we had. We no longer have a family court judge they have to get one in from away. It's slap an order and next please. I am going to bring up the right for first refusal with my L.