off and on relationship that needs to stop

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been in a very toxic relationship for 3 years off and on and I really need to find the strength to stay away.  I have lived with in this relationship and cant find myself anymore.   I have been accused of having BPD myself and I am left questioning everything about myself.

[Dmark]

I have been in a very toxic relationship for 3 years off and on and I really need to find the strength to stay away.  I have lived with in this relationship and cant find myself anymore.   I have been accused of having BPD myself and I am left questioning everything about myself.

[allienoah]

Finding the strength is very difficult. It is made all the harder by not being sure of who you are anymore. I am struggling the same, and I am completely convinced that my bf is PwBPD. I feel I am the codependent that accepts his abuse, and tantrums. Some days I am sure I am strong enough to leave, then he goes "loving"and I start to question myself and go weak. You probably have similar scenarios. All I can say is that there is so much non-judgmental support here and that is what helps me get by in my day to day battle.  Do you really love this person and hope to learn to work it out?

[Dmark]

I do love her. However with the lies, cheating and god knows what else because I cant trust a word that is spoken.  Friends seem to be more important and I am left being told I am the jerk for being upset when she comes home past 3am after being with another man... .I am told not to worry. I know this "other man" and was good friends with him and his wife at the time.  I had a falling out with the couple as they were having issues.  My recent ex has taken it upon herself to console both of them. I feel disrespected and have conveyed this as best as possible with her, however. I am not heard or taken seriously.  I am the jerk for getting bent out of shape.  I am really at a loss, I cant win with her. I feel we have run our course.

[allienoah]

Wow... .that sounds very stressful. When you do decide to detach what keeps you going? How do you remain strong when you know that you aren't wrong, yet she makes you feel as though you are. From what you describe, I can't honestly see how you are being seen as unreasonable. However, as I have learned here, pwBPD can't see the other side of the issue, as their side is always the "right" side.

[FSTL]

I do love her.

However with the lies, cheating and god knows what else because I cant trust a word that is spoken. 

Friends seem to be more important and I am left being told I am the jerk for being upset when she comes home past 3am

 I feel disrespected and have conveyed this as best as possible with her, however. I am not heard or taken seriously. 

 I am really at a loss, I cant win with her. I feel we have run our course.

I can identify with all of this, and it was the disrespect that really did it for me. Why it wasn't the cheating, etc I still don't know.

Have you thought about speaking with a therapist? What would happen if you just went no contact with her? Do you have other distractions?

I can't go NC with mine (we were 2 years on and off) as we work in the same building, but I simply told her I needed space. After many goes at it, I have managed to politely fob her off when she contacts me and don't do "nice". I just do matter of fact and deal with whatever she is asking for without eg asking how she is or giving her the chance to see me. If I do bump into her, I say Hi nicely and then keep going.

With every time I manage to keep it going, I feel better and stronger and the more I am not with her the more I see her appalling behaviour as unacceptable. I don't hate her, I no longer love her (you can't love someone who treats you so badly) and am looking forward to moving on and finding someone who treats me better.

[Dmark]

I am in counselling and i enjoy it. I look forward to my sessions because I feel it is the only time I am heard and don't feel judged.

I am far from perfect in my relationship and believe it takes two to make things or not.  I believe this but will only hold myself accountable for 30%.  It seems like a joke at this point really.  I get along with her parents and family really well, this is not enough to still remain in this twisted double standard relationship.

I feel like I have given in so much that I have compromised my own standards.  I feel like a shell of a man. Through all the research I have done on BPD, it seems nothing gets through to them...   In fact she hides behind the disorder and uses it to justify behavior.   This is also someone in school to become and addictions specialist, as well as help others suffering from sexual abuse.  There is a lot to the my story with my BPD. who is also in a DBT group... but she is so good at the smoke and mirrors. as if its two people.  i hate suffering though every make up and break up. it has to stop


Einstein's theory is defiantly ringing true insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dmark, What is your current status with your SO?  Together, apart or somewhere-in-between?  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to you and your needs.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[FSTL]

I am in counselling and i enjoy it. I look forward to my sessions because I feel it is the only time I am heard and don't feel judged.

I am far from perfect in my relationship and believe it takes two to make things or not.  I believe this but will only hold myself accountable for 30%. 

I feel like I have given in so much that I have compromised my own standards.  I feel like a shell of a man. Through all the research I have done on BPD, it seems nothing gets through to them.

i hate suffering though every make up and break up. it has to stop

Einstein's theory is defiantly ringing true insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It sounds like you're in a good place - you know what you have to do. Hopefully with the help of your T you can work out a plan to step off the crazy train at the next stop. I know it is easier said than done - if I am being honest, I still fear getting back with her, but I know I am better off without her and I feel things snowballing now and with every day I am less likely to go back to her.

[Dmark]

Thank you so much for listening to me and responding.  It really means a lot to know that there are more people that are working through similar issues.  Morning and evenings are the hardest.  I have lost the only person that I spoke to the most. 

I have let go of a lot of friendships to devote my time to my BPD addict GF. Now I feel overwhelmed that I have to rekindle with so many.  I guess it could be exciting... .still scary.

I have learned a lot about myself in this relationship, both good and bad. I at least can say I know what I don't want...

I feel like I am going to have a hard time in relationships moving forward... Being able to trust anyone again will be very difficult.

time will tell.

Pointers?

 

[lovenature]

The first step is to go complete NC, you must get away from the craziness and once out long enough, and learning enough, you will get yourself back. You never will be the same, but this is an opportunity to get back the good parts of your old self and learn from and fix what wasn't good: why you stayed in a toxic relationship trying so hard to make it work.

[MississippiGirl]

The thing that you are describing what you love is only one part of her.  And that's the frustrating part about BPD.  You will have a little piece that is ok, and then rest of the person is smoke and mirrors.  It sounds like she really knows how to hurt you, going towards your circle of friends perhaps? Or singling you out in different ways?  There is always a honeytrap with my mom.  She can be caring and loving, but suddenly she has to make changes, call the shots, be in control, and usually ends up being a sneaky perpetrator in my life.  For you, she is flat out disrespectful, dishonest, and almost shows contempt towards you. 

I can honestly say when I silently revoked my relationship with my mom, and set limits and boundaries, I felt more normal as time passed.  I am still recovering, but I'm more reassured that I'm in a better place.  I still have a relationship with her, but I'm very much a silent manager on how much time I spend with her, what I do with her, what she knows about me, etc. 

In my opinion, and it's just my opinion, this SO of yours is almost taking away your identity.  Do you feel alone?  Are you exhausted when you confront her about being disrespectful, and she somehow makes it eddy into something else, and you are the one holding the "weapon," while she is in sheep's clothing suddenly?  It is not your fault that she can't accept the responsibility of her dangerous habits.  Maybe if she agrees to do DBT, things will improve?  I wish you the best, but quite honestly I think life is too short to be this way.

I do love her. However with the lies, cheating and god knows what else because I cant trust a word that is spoken.  Friends seem to be more important and I am left being told I am the jerk for being upset when she comes home past 3am after being with another man... .I am told not to worry. I know this "other man" and was good friends with him and his wife at the time.  I had a falling out with the couple as they were having issues.  My recent ex has taken it upon herself to console both of them. I feel disrespected and have conveyed this as best as possible with her, however. I am not heard or taken seriously.  I am the jerk for getting bent out of shape.  I am really at a loss, I cant win with her. I feel we have run our course.

[aj4599]

I do love her. However with the lies, cheating and god knows what else because I cant trust a word that is spoken.  Friends seem to be more important and I am left being told I am the jerk for being upset when she comes home past 3am after being with another man... .I am told not to worry. I know this "other man" and was good friends with him and his wife at the time.  I had a falling out with the couple as they were having issues.  My recent ex has taken it upon herself to console both of them. I feel disrespected and have conveyed this as best as possible with her, however. I am not heard or taken seriously.  I am the jerk for getting bent out of shape.  I am really at a loss, I cant win with her. I feel we have run our course.

You've captured several of the most frustrating elements of dating someone with this. Feeling like you can't express any weakness or ask for anything. Feeling like you aren't a priority. And always feeling like the other shoe is about to drop, and you're being kept in the dark.

I don't know if this is a challenge for you, but it is for me: avoiding being at her beck-and-call. I'm on day 3 of NC, and one of my best, oldest friends was talking about coming to visit me. I haven't confirmed plans yet because there's the slightest chance she might want to see me, and if she does and I'm not available, her past behavior indicates she'll do something shady or unfaithful to fill that void. I wish I could just tell me friend to come visit and say screw it. Are you dealing with anything similar?

[allienoah]

@dmark I know exactly what you are talking about in terms of making plans. I have a similar situation, and I know the pattern. I never make plans with friends for overnight visits or vacations because #1 my bf will dysregulate as he doesn't understand that I need "girl time" occasionally, and #2 when he does break up with me after I tell him of such plans, he'll come back just before the visit and then proceed to keep me on eggshells again. It's not worth the exhaustion that goes along with it. This I know is all my fault for allowing it, and falling into his manipulative control again, yet I can't seem to break away. He even has something to say about me taking 2 days to attend my son's college graduation! My son intensely dislikes my bfwBPD and won't even be in the same room with him. My children have lost respect for me as they feel I put up with too much disrespect. So my bf feels that I should only go for 1 day, and come home. This has more to do with me being away and him being hurt-and feeling abandoned-then it does with anything else. Yet this too is another battle that will end in a break-up, NC, contact just before it, demands for constant contact while I'm away, and on and on. I pray I will have the strength to deal with it, but you know how that goes.