wife accuses me of cheating

[James9741]

Hi,

I'm married 28 years, always faithful, good provider, heavily invested in family. Three years ago, wanting a new career that felt like I was giving something back, I became a teacher. Beginning of 2nd year of teaching, my wife thought I was having an affair with one (or maybe two) other teachers. Then with the owner of the place we get our dog groomed. My daughter's soccer coach. The list just kept growing. I quit my job, we bought a nice little RV, and we traveled for 5 months with our youngest (14yo daughter) and the family dog. Then took a job close to home working part-time. We take art classes and exercise together twice a week.

When she gets angry, she loses it. Has called me at various times a narcissist, a gaslighter, a psychopath, a sh*tbag. I don't lose control, but often find it hard not to get angry. I'm not sure what's going on for her. Seems like anxiety and depression, wasn't thinking it could be BPD, but from some of the posts, I guess it may be possible.

While she seems ok with me being at work, I spend most of my nonwork time staying physically close to her to reduce likelihood she'll think I'm up to something. She reads through all of my past emails, reinterprets and twists things I've said trying to justify her theories.

The blowups used to be twice a week. In the past year, has dropped to one/month. But had one yesterday, as usual completely unexpected, correlated with hormones, and she was screaming, could not be stopped until I told her out she was behaving like a child, and I could not talk to her until she lowered her voice.

Despite the lower frequency, I feel depleted, and live with a constant low-level anxiety that any given day will suddenly go bad with no warning.

Looking to be pointed in a good direction. Thank you.

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[Stolen]

James,

There are some interesting posts on this subject here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307673.0

And welcome.  Trust me that what seems bewildering to you has graced these halls more than you can imagine... .

[isilme]

Cheating is a common accusation.  There are lots of reasons, from simple BOPD fear of abandonment to full on projection by a person who IS cheating or contemplating it, and trying to claim you are, too.  

BPD is not exclusive of anxiety and/or depression or hormonal issues.  Rather, think of it as a person with diabetes can still sprain their ankle or get the flu.  And when you one issue already, and another issue is added, anyone is more likely to feel cranky and volatile.  

H regularly implies or flat out accuses me of cheating.  In the past, about 10 years back, he was a big flirt, and emotionally cheated on me.  I almost left, it was a bad time, but we got past it and he made a big effort to keep me.  Amazing effort given how much he'd taken me for granted in the past.

But his BPD cannot allow him to believe the truth - I have never cheated, I have never been tempted, and he is the only person I have ever been with.  It does not compute with his own feelings, actions, guilt, and self-hatred.  Somewhere, his shame he tries to run away from with all the angry outbursts, is tied to a lot of self-loathing, lack of worth, and he cannot believe I'd see anything in him, so it's easier to believe I am simply lying and cheating.  Which goes back in a feedback loop to him feeling he deserves to feel bad about himself, wallow in pity, and strike out verbally in anger.  He even has dreams that I am cheating (in the dreams I treat him how he has often treated me in the past, and even at times now - rude, aggressive, disregarding of feelings).

You don't need to let your W see your emails.  It does not "prove" anything.  Logic and proof and facts are not the issue.  Her feelings dictate her truth.  Her feelings state you must be cheating / have cheated.  Stating anything else is invalidating in her mind.  This does not mean validate it, it just means pick your battles and when you CAN validate.