Getting married in a week and now I'll have two BPDS coming to the wedding

[70schild]

 I'm getting married in a week… My BPD mother will be flying in days before the wedding. My fiancé's 20-year-old daughter is also a BPD. We almost canceled the wedding over his Daughter's behavior. I had a lifelong lesson in dealing with borderline personality growing up with my mother. The thought of the sentence keeps growing with anticipation as she tries to destroy the happiness her father and I have. She will be arriving unfortunately two days before the wedding along with my mother who will be arriving three  before the wedding. The daughter also has a one-year-old child which causes her borderline to be on high alert right now. My borderline mother has social anxiety so bad she's on high right now as well.  Unable to socialize and allow my friends to give me a party because she can't handle the stress of it and she's being so rude to my best friend. She hung up on her and told her how rude she was for planning something for me… . The two of them are having their breakouts because it's not about them. I wanted to elope so I didn't have to deal  these two… My fiancé wanted  the wedding because he thinks Family needs to be there, he's also in denial about his daughter's behavior even though she's been diagnosed and hospitalized for having borderline after cutting herself… Now she has a one-year-old and can't handle the stress and I frankly am scared to death of my future (codependent and in denial and taking full responsibility because of his daddy guilt)

[Mutt]

Hi 70schild,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going this with your wedding just days away. I'd just like to make a couple of suggestions, it has to hard to be stuck in the middle with your best friend and your. One of the things that we feel talk about here is to stop making things worse with a pwBPD, JADE'ing (Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain) perpetuates conflict. They're both adults and it takes two to tango, I suggest to stay out of it, I understand that it's easier said then done, the timing is bad. We can't control others we can control only two things, our thoughts and feelings. A pwBPD have social impairments, your mom is who she is.

If the baby is making the BPD traits worse, has she thought about getting a baby sitter for the wedding? I know that the baby is young, can the father watch the baby for a few hours?

[gotbushels]

Hi 70schild   and welcome!

I support Mutt in welcoming you here. I'd also like to recommend communicating with the pwBPD. He's right in looking at the idea that it takes two people to be in a relationship--and how to sit out of dances you don't like (e.g., the tango!).

I hope you find peace around this time of your marriage. You're doing the right thing by looking at how to prepare to avoid conflict. It's hard with many BPD traits in the mix. Add that with a pitcher of anxiety and you've got a fruit punch worth avoiding.

[TDeer]

Can you hire a neutral third party like a wedding planner to help buffer between you and the BPDs?

Use your wedding party to help buffer between you and the BPDs. Let them know what you need.

Let everyone from the officiant to the reception manager know what possible situations could occur. It's likely nothing would happen in public but you'll feel better that way.

The day will likely go so fast that you won't have time to talk to the BPDs anyway.


Much love and support to you!

[kitty1]

Hi there,
I am new too.
I am struggling I have graduation coming up and my mother promised to help me with the costs and is now denying this and her behaviour has been escalating recently.
I have three options
- go as a happy family mother/ brother/ separated father and friends and wait for it all to explode
- don't go at all because it will end in disaster which she will blame on me
-take a stand and go with out her - she will ruin from a far

its not just the money she said months ago she was ok with my father being there and we have a good relationship these days and now she is telling me i am ungrateful because i am picking him over her.


Good luck with your nuptials though!