Does our behaviour influence them

[Jester20]

So... .
I have read in many places that part of the issue with BPD is that the emotional intelligence of pwBPD is much lower level... .i.e., they have not matured emotionally so you could have someone in their 40's who has the EI of a teen.

I guess my question is ( maybe in response to this or not) does our own behaviours and how we lead the relationship ( if we can do that) influence their responses or behaviours?

I'm thinking back to before his diognosis and well things were bad... .very bad. I did a lot of things wrong though and I responded and got angry back.
Now I have learned to act like a grown up and it doesn't seem to cause this huge blow up like it used to. So if he says something awful or behaves in a way which I feel is unacceptable... .I leave and I go and spend time with people who are nice to me.
By the time I get home I've calmed down and I just get on with my day and once he communicates with me in an acceptable way I will communicate with him.
So, does this for example, help him? Either by not allowing him to boil over or by him learning that how I respond is an acceptable behaviour and that he needs to do this and maybe if he doesn't get to that point where it's about to boil over then he can do this... .then he sees the result and thinks ' this is what I need to do for us to have a good relationship and I will keep working on this'?
I guess I'm thinking it's like trying to teach a kid how to behave... .and that you have to model them over a period.

Or am I just over thinking it all?

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[abraxus]

No, I don't think you're over thinking it all. Our behaviour absolutely influences them, although I'd probably describe it as emotional regulation, rather than emotional intelligence, but I'm no expert.

Think of it this way. Other people's behaviour influences us, it's just that we're better able to control our reactions to it.

It's not all about us though, as equally external stimuli and other people can affect how they feel and act.

[Jester20]

No, I don't think you're over thinking it all. Our behaviour absolutely influences them, although I'd probably describe it as emotional regulation, rather than emotional intelligence, but I'm no expert.

Think of it this way. Other people's behaviour influences us, it's just that we're better able to control our reactions to it.

It's not all about us though, as equally external stimuli and other people can affect how they feel and act.

Thank you,
I'm thinking this emotional regulation. Is it possible that if you keep using positive reinforcement and validate their feelings and not get pulled into arguments and drama and just go and do your thing until they are ok that over time the feelings that cause them to trigger become less and less and they have more positive feelings and attachments to take the place of all the not do good ones?
They would find everything easier yo deal with and the negative behaviours go?

[abraxus]

I have found that some people who have difficulty with their emotions, due to past experiences, can improve over time as positive experiences start to outweigh the negative ones.

I don't think that's the case with BPD though. I think it's more hardwired, and requires therapy to treat. That's just my opinion though and, like I said, I'm no expert.

[Jester20]

I have found that some people who have difficulty with their emotions, due to past experiences, can improve over time as positive experiences start to outweigh the negative ones.

I don't think that's the case with BPD though. I think it's more hardwired, and requires therapy to treat. That's just my opinion though and, like I said, I'm no expert.

Yes, I understand. I just realised this this after I posted it. If it was that easy it wouldn't be a recognised mental health issue.
My husband has been in therapy for 8 months. He is making good progress. He was previously a high functioning BPD.

[waverider]

Reaction begets counter reaction, which leads to counter reaction to the counter reaction and so on. Add in someone who reacts substantially from, and to, emotions rather than any problem solving sequence and it just leads to escalations. Rinse repeat this many times and and it normalises this behaviour and sets a precedence for all future interactions.

Obviously you can only control what you do, so not feeding into this in order to not making this worse than need be is obviously the first thing to reign in. Given we are also emotional beings this is very hard to do, especially when being baited and often run down.

You wont be able to stop them firing off but you can avoid stepping into the firing line. It is almost like they have a need to be triggered by something or someone.

Conversely it doesn't mean you have to be "emotionless" as that also robs you of your right to be, simply being aware, so that you can redirect or withdraw when its heading off course is often enough

[ortac77]

They react to our behaviour and everyone else, but I think more often than not my pwBPD reacts to 'thoughts' - stuff inside his own head, there is a large disparity between what is happening and what he thinks about it.

As an example I went to therapy Thursday, I am not in a good place at the moment and struggling hard to see my way forward, the therapy is effective but of course quite emotional and difficult because I am having to confront me, really get to grips with my needs and wants and how my current situation is very much at odds with my core values.

After therapy I took a long walk in the woods and stopped after for a bite to eat, it helped me to come back to earth and deal with some inner conflict and emotions. On reaching home I was treated to all sorts of accusations - essentially that I had not been to therapy but had been having sex with somebody else. Insane/Insane/Insane - that is the last thing on my mind at the moment.Of course I get all the 'poor me' stuff as well, how his life is not worth living, etc etc.

I chose not to react other than to refute the accusation but did pint out that I was struggling with my emotions as well.

Result - cold shouldered for 48 hours, TBH it was quite welcome as I needed some me time.

Yesterday I went to an Al-Anon Convention, I had a lovely day and the chance to chat with trusted friends in the fellowship. Again he wanted to start conversation focussed on him and al the awful things that happen in his life, how nobody can be trusted, all familiar stuff. Today I get the I will never speak to you again!
 Ok a peaceful Sunday in prospect, but I guess for me this stuff is just not OK anymore, I have tried to consistently manage my own behaviours but it actually just seems to make him worse, today I just want to bloody scream and act irrationally, hell controlling ourselves constantly is beyond my human ability.

Ok rant over, just really fed up with this illness now because its making  me ill.

[isilme]

Of course it's not super cut and dry, but yes, our actions and their interactions influence each other.

As a codependent, my initial reactions to try to "fix" H's feelings, from simply invalidating him when he was upset by telling him there was nothing to be upset about, to trying to solve all problems and enabling him to slide even further down this irresponsible hole he was in, all were MY reactions to my perceptions of his actions.  And his were like a feedback loop (ever put a microphone next to a speaker?) of him springboarding off MY reactions to his actions, and it was a horrible cycle.

Nothing you do will EVER make the BPD go away.  I see so many posts on here that seem to hold that as a secret hope.  It's not going away.  Yes, it IS hardwired.  But I personally don't have a lot of faith in getting a person with BPD into therapy, and them being self-aware and honest enough to benefit from it.  So that means, to me, that all changes to that feedback loop need to come from me. 

I need to be less of a speaker, reflecting the microphone's energy back into the mix.  The only person I can directly change is me.  So I worked on my reactions.  And overall, it helped.  It's not perfect.  H will always have days where nothing I do can shake him.  He will always have the potential to go off when the stars are misaligned in his head.  But overall, by learning that day to day drama can be decreased through validation and active listening, and that I can let him be in a bad mood and not try to "fix it", I've stopped picking at his scabs as much.  So the bad days happen, then they blow over, and yes, they will come again because everyone has bad days, but there are more decent days in between.