Entity Theory vs Incremental Theory - How do you experience rejection?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi all 

i recently came across the following article:

Why Breakups Can Be So Brutal

here is a summary (i encourage you to read the full article):

So what determines who will recover well after a break-up?

New research by Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck shows that how you take rejection depends on how personally you take it.⁴ And whether or not you take rejection personally depends on your beliefs about the nature of personality—specifically your ideas about how changeable personality traits are.

Implicit Personality Theories

According to a large body of research, people differ in the extent to which they hold entity or incremental beliefs about the nature of personality. These are called implicit personality theories.

   

• If you hold an entity view of personality, then you believe that personality traits are fixed: People are the way they are, and there’s not much you can do about it. Having an entity theory of personality also implies that things you do or things that happen to you don’t change you, but rather they may reveal your true, underlying self.⁷


   
• If you hold an incremental view of personality, then you believe that personality traits can change: People can work to improve themselves and things that happen to you can change who you are.^5,6

Implicit Theories and Rejection

So how are these implicit personality theories tied to our reactions to rejection? When they’re rejected, those with an entity theory are more likely to assume that the rejection means there is something wrong with them. Just because you think traits are fixed doesn’t mean that you’re sure that you completely understand yourself at this moment. Having an entity theory of personality means that you think personality is fixed, so if something goes wrong in your relationship, you may "realize" there was something wrong with you "all along." So if you’re an entity theorist, rejections can make you question who you are and feel bad about yourself.

Because rejections create these "realizations" about the self, entity theorists will also find themselves more negatively affected by break-ups:

   

• It will take them longer to get over a rejection emotionally.


   
• They will also anticipate that their future relationships will turn out poorly now that this past relationship has led them to believe there’s something wrong with them.


   
• And they may avoid talking to their current partners about past rejections because they’re afraid that those conversations will reveal some fatal flaw (since the break-up itself must have been due to a fatal flaw).

i did a double, triple, quadruple take. i remember when my ex and i broke up, it occurred to me in the midst of the agony, that i tend to take breakups particularly badly. you see, ive never taken the initiative to break up with anyone, ive always been the one to be broken up with, and i always had a very difficult time bouncing back. sure this breakup was much harder in so many ways youre all familiar with, but the difference is that for the majority of the relationship, i (a part of me at least) wanted to end it, and i tried, many times.

yet when the time came that she broke up with me, i wasnt relieved, i was a lot more than regretful, it wasnt the "standard" mourning process that one experiences even if they agree with or initiate the breakup. suddenly, and for the first time, i unwittingly put her on a pedestal. i longed for any acknowledgment that she even thought of me. i took on all sorts of blame that seemed irrational even then. i looked at everything through the lens of what i did to screw it up. and to stave off the pain, i tried as hard as i could to feel disdain or indifference. that response, in retrospect, was about me, and how i personally receive(d) and react(ed) to rejection. it wasnt just the BPD relationship - that intensified everything, but i think the fact is i do take rejection particularly badly.

as you might notice, we all experience these breakups differently. sure theres a lot of overlap, and for good reason that perhaps this article elaborates on. not all of us internalize the profound sense of rejection a breakup initiated by a pwBPD can result in. in other words, the breakup hurts us in unique ways, that shake us to our core, but our belief systems play a role in how (and whether) we process, heal, and recover. 

personally, i didnt have a conscious concept of what i believed as far as whether personality traits are changeable, and i certainly wouldnt have connected that belief to how i experience rejection. yet many of the examples in the article of the mindset, the belief system, of someone with an entity theory of personality so strongly mirror my life experience of taking rejection very personally.

its hard to say with which theory i allign. i believe behavior is entirely changeable. i generally believe that people can change. i believe that personality traits can change as a result of injury to the brain or emotional trauma. i think its fair to say i believe personality traits can diminish or become more prominent over time; im not sure they ever "go away". i believe one can certainly become less sensitive to rejection. im also confident this isnt conscious for most of us, and i suspect its possible to believe one thing deeply about yourself, and believe differently about others (not sure about that when it comes to this). truthfully, i have a lot of trouble with thinking in black and white (about anything), yes personality traits can change, no they cant (the article addresses that its probably not a black and white issue in its conclusion). im the kind of guy who if you ask me "is the glass half full or half empty?" i will tell you it depends on if youre pouring or drinking  .

so while i do hold the view that people can improve themselves (it sustained me in my recovery), and things that happen to you can change aspects of who you are, i also experience rejection as a sign of, and confirmation of, an underlying flaw in myself that someone else (as if the entire world) has seen and rejected.  okay. so maybe that predisposes me to a willingness to look at myself and what i can work on and change, which is convenient, but i wonder what role the fear of future rejection motivates that. the good news is, these days, i think im more motivated by results than the fear of pain and rejection.

so i guess i believe aspects of both theories. perhaps it depends on whether one is pouring or drinking

questions:

how did you experience/react to rejection during or after your relationship?

where do you (consciously) weigh in on the competing theories?

how might your belief system/theory inform how you relate to others in your daily life or even on the board?

and please do add your vote to the poll

PS if youre interested in further reading on how we react to rejection, please read here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

[once removed]

hi all 

i recently came across the following article:

Why Breakups Can Be So Brutal

here is a summary (i encourage you to read the full article):

So what determines who will recover well after a break-up?

New research by Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck shows that how you take rejection depends on how personally you take it.⁴ And whether or not you take rejection personally depends on your beliefs about the nature of personality—specifically your ideas about how changeable personality traits are.

Implicit Personality Theories

According to a large body of research, people differ in the extent to which they hold entity or incremental beliefs about the nature of personality. These are called implicit personality theories.

   

• If you hold an entity view of personality, then you believe that personality traits are fixed: People are the way they are, and there’s not much you can do about it. Having an entity theory of personality also implies that things you do or things that happen to you don’t change you, but rather they may reveal your true, underlying self.⁷


   
• If you hold an incremental view of personality, then you believe that personality traits can change: People can work to improve themselves and things that happen to you can change who you are.^5,6

Implicit Theories and Rejection

So how are these implicit personality theories tied to our reactions to rejection? When they’re rejected, those with an entity theory are more likely to assume that the rejection means there is something wrong with them. Just because you think traits are fixed doesn’t mean that you’re sure that you completely understand yourself at this moment. Having an entity theory of personality means that you think personality is fixed, so if something goes wrong in your relationship, you may "realize" there was something wrong with you "all along." So if you’re an entity theorist, rejections can make you question who you are and feel bad about yourself.

Because rejections create these "realizations" about the self, entity theorists will also find themselves more negatively affected by break-ups:

   

• It will take them longer to get over a rejection emotionally.


   
• They will also anticipate that their future relationships will turn out poorly now that this past relationship has led them to believe there’s something wrong with them.


   
• And they may avoid talking to their current partners about past rejections because they’re afraid that those conversations will reveal some fatal flaw (since the break-up itself must have been due to a fatal flaw).

i did a double, triple, quadruple take. i remember when my ex and i broke up, it occurred to me in the midst of the agony, that i tend to take breakups particularly badly. you see, ive never taken the initiative to break up with anyone, ive always been the one to be broken up with, and i always had a very difficult time bouncing back. sure this breakup was much harder in so many ways youre all familiar with, but the difference is that for the majority of the relationship, i (a part of me at least) wanted to end it, and i tried, many times.

yet when the time came that she broke up with me, i wasnt relieved, i was a lot more than regretful, it wasnt the "standard" mourning process that one experiences even if they agree with or initiate the breakup. suddenly, and for the first time, i unwittingly put her on a pedestal. i longed for any acknowledgment that she even thought of me. i took on all sorts of blame that seemed irrational even then. i looked at everything through the lens of what i did to screw it up. and to stave off the pain, i tried as hard as i could to feel disdain or indifference. that response, in retrospect, was about me, and how i personally receive(d) and react(ed) to rejection. it wasnt just the BPD relationship - that intensified everything, but i think the fact is i do take rejection particularly badly.

as you might notice, we all experience these breakups differently. sure theres a lot of overlap, and for good reason that perhaps this article elaborates on. not all of us internalize the profound sense of rejection a breakup initiated by a pwBPD can result in. in other words, the breakup hurts us in unique ways, that shake us to our core, but our belief systems play a role in how (and whether) we process, heal, and recover. 

personally, i didnt have a conscious concept of what i believed as far as whether personality traits are changeable, and i certainly wouldnt have connected that belief to how i experience rejection. yet many of the examples in the article of the mindset, the belief system, of someone with an entity theory of personality so strongly mirror my life experience of taking rejection very personally.

its hard to say with which theory i allign. i believe behavior is entirely changeable. i generally believe that people can change. i believe that personality traits can change as a result of injury to the brain or emotional trauma. i think its fair to say i believe personality traits can diminish or become more prominent over time; im not sure they ever "go away". i believe one can certainly become less sensitive to rejection. im also confident this isnt conscious for most of us, and i suspect its possible to believe one thing deeply about yourself, and believe differently about others (not sure about that when it comes to this). truthfully, i have a lot of trouble with thinking in black and white (about anything), yes personality traits can change, no they cant (the article addresses that its probably not a black and white issue in its conclusion). im the kind of guy who if you ask me "is the glass half full or half empty?" i will tell you it depends on if youre pouring or drinking  .

so while i do hold the view that people can improve themselves (it sustained me in my recovery), and things that happen to you can change aspects of who you are, i also experience rejection as a sign of, and confirmation of, an underlying flaw in myself that someone else (as if the entire world) has seen and rejected.  okay. so maybe that predisposes me to a willingness to look at myself and what i can work on and change, which is convenient, but i wonder what role the fear of future rejection motivates that. the good news is, these days, i think im more motivated by results than the fear of pain and rejection.

so i guess i believe aspects of both theories. perhaps it depends on whether one is pouring or drinking

questions:

how did you experience/react to rejection during or after your relationship?

where do you (consciously) weigh in on the competing theories?

how might your belief system/theory inform how you relate to others in your daily life or even on the board?

and please do add your vote to the poll

PS if youre interested in further reading on how we react to rejection, please read here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

[Bushido]

Hi. 

I must say that i swing both ways. .

I think there are cornerstones in your personality that are fixed.

But that does not mean you cant upgrade your self.

Your internal wiring may be fixed but upgrading the software can make

The program do things i couldnt before.

And as victor e. Frankl said... .

One has the power to choose ones way. No matter circumstances...

[MapleBob]

I'm definitely aligned with the incremental belief system described here. I know that people/personalities can change with conscious effort (or due to trauma), because I've seen it happen. I think that that is ultimately what healing work is all about (consciously adding and habituating improved behaviors/perceptions/beliefs), so the entity belief feels very disempowering to me.

I disagree that the entity belief model necessarily lends itself to experiencing worse breakups. It is in some ways more frustrating to have the sense that people could change, and to have to face the reality that they won't - I've definitely suffered from that.

[Meili]

I'm not entirely sure that I can get behind this theory.

I hold an incremental view on personality traits. But, take rejection very harshly because I view it as who I am at that moment is being rejected - i.e. not good enough.

I have worked very hard over the past decade or so to overcome the issues I have because of my family of origin. When rejected, I tend to think that all the work that I have done is pointless. I know that I've grown and changed, but I'm still not good enough.

At that point, it's about me as a person, not my personality that is being rejected. I have little doubt that it is my personality is warmly received by my romantic partners. But, they do not like me... .the person.

[once removed]

i wonder how the fear of rejection effects our choices of partners.

[Meili]

I certainly cannot speak for others, but for me, the fear of rejection has led me to just take what I'm given rather than waiting for the person who would actually provide real love and happiness in my life.

By this, I mean, that I would just accept whoever wanted to be my romantic partner rather than choose who I wanted to be my romantic partner. There is no fear of rejection at that point. I never had to make myself vulnerable because she (whoever the she was) was chasing me. It was safe.

This also meant that I accepted what she had to offer... .good and bad.

The fear of rejection also kept me in bad relationships. Again, I was safe because I didn't have to worry about being rejected. Getting out of the bad relationship meant that I would have to make myself vulnerable with another person. I didn't feel safe doing that, so I would stay in a bad situation.

[earlyL]

i wonder how the fear of rejection effects our choices of partners.

I have thought a lot about this recently, having been recently rejected quite brutally for someone else. Reading over my diary when we got together I definitely saw red flags and I have even written that I think our relationship will only last two years. I don't write a reason. We lasted 2 years and 3 months. Why I went through with it - curiosity and being loved, plus I had been single for five years, I think that played a huge part in it and the attraction was too great, I hadn't felt that wanted in so long. In fact perhaps I never had.

The strange thing for me right now is because of the discard and the brutality of being replaced and it being flaunted at me, I don't miss her and I don't remember the good bits. I am guessing this will come in the future, but all these things are going to make such a huge difference in choosing a partner in the future. I do feel I will trust again, I worry I won't have the same 'hit' in attraction again. But perhaps not having that attraction will be the better way anyway, because if I did feel as strongly as before then the fear of rejection I think would be overwhelming. My gut tells me I will never put myself through this again, which means I will be extremely careful when meeting someone. And that is terrifying.

Great topic.

[once removed]

my partners all had low self esteem.

its not that i wasnt attracted to healthier partners or them to me, but either we wouldnt click, or as the less healthy person in the equation, id come on too strong.

someone with low self esteem seemed both easier to relate to, and attract.

in terms of rejection, my uBPDex was the first relationship where i permanently felt in a one up position. she was dependent upon me. i couldnt shake her attraction. i thought she was frankly incapable of leaving me. i knew that wasnt healthy, but i chocked it up to "well, we are meant to be anyway".

and i was pretty invested in that narrative, because it hit me like a ton of bricks when she left.