Intro to me

[flowersol]

Hi- This is a bit daunting to be putting myself out in the open, despite the anonymity of being online.
I have researched on the internet off and on over the years when my husbands "moods" would go into a bad time and have never found what I needed. Yesterday I ran across BPD Central (because things are bad again!) and found that my concerns over a possible personality disorder are not outrageous. I am as sure as I can be, without an official diagnosis, that my husband has borderline personality disorder. He's high functioning and can be just fine for weeks or months before an issue arises. I also realize that he can go for weeks and months only because I am an expert in the art of "walking on eggshells" and if he is consistently taking medication (anxiety/depression).
He has had four counselors over the years and only one ever considered this. He generally just comes off as over worked, over stressed and emotionally drained because he gives so much to others. This is all true, however, they miss the part about him being VERY sensitive to criticism and perceived rejection and all of his grown-up tantrums that leave me screaming, "grow up!" inside my head. They miss the part about the one sided arguments and questions that any answer I give is the wrong one. They miss the part about being questioned daily if I love him or why I love him or if I want him to leave or if I want him to sleep downstairs or if we are going to make it... .after he spent the previous week making sure I knew how close he feels to me and how we have such an amazing relationship, fitting together so perfectly. They miss the part when he gets angry for 2-3 days (threatening to leave or kill himself and going over and over the scenario... .) because he feels like I didn't support him after he and our son had a verbal disagreement that was getting loud and I commented afterward that I was glad it got resolved because I was on my way in to let them know they needed to quiet down, our granddaughter (18 months) was sleeping. Evidently, I should have reassured him and hugged him and consoled him because our son had said some unkind things that I didn't know anything about. I am now labeled the cause of why he feels alone so much of the time. We are now at about hour 45 of this current breakdown. WHAT? 
He has never stayed with a counselor more than 2-3 visits and at this point won't see anyone at all because he either "doesn't need fixing" or he has "changed a lot and shouldn't have to change anymore". We have been through Hell and back in our relationship and he truly has changed a lot, however, those changes were fundamental to basic relationship expectations.
When he is on track, he is a wonderful man with so many strong and desirable qualities (otherwise there is no way I'd still be married to him).
Most of the tantrum business and issues are kept between he and I, thank God! As a matter of fact, he is quite good at looking like all is well in public and switching it on me when we go to our room in the evening.

The fact that 23 years have passed since the first signs and there are still no solutions I blame on myself. I am actually a very independent, self-reliant, intelligent and highly educated woman. Why is it still this way?  I feel like a fool.

So, I find myself here. Looking for something. Hope that I won't have wasted my life with him? Hope that he can get help that is productive. Hope to find myself after all these years of eggshells? Hope for peace of mind. Yes, hope would be good but, even more, change for the better is needed. The next step is to somehow help him see we need real help and then actually get the help needed, long term.

Wow, I said a lot and yet there is so much more.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi flowersol,

Welcome and hello

It can feel like a big relief to discover BPD and realize it fits your partner. And I know what you mean about being independent, self-reliant, intelligent, highly educated, and yet feeling like a fool. If it makes a difference, one of the best things you can do is to talk to yourself like you wish your H would. Be kind to yourself. No need to make this any harder on yourself than it already is 

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. So step 1 is to begin rebuilding a tiny bit of self-care.

That will make it easier to deal with the relationship skills we put into practice, the ones that can prevent things from getting worse, like validation.

Do you have a T for yourself?

[flowersol]

I have been thinking of reconnecting with the one I had a few years ago. I will be calling her this afternoon. Thank you for the encouragement.
flowersol