Ready to leave this broken marriage

[Robert Royal]

My wife seemed perfectly normal for the few years of marriage. Then almost one day to the next she began exhibiting all or most of symptoms of BPD. Over the years she verbally & sometimes physically abused the children. Much of which was told to me
when the children were on there own. She is very confrontational & even violent many times.
I have felt recently like a caged animal & I WANT out. Since all of the children have left home I am the only target she shoots at.

I'm in the process of planning how my departure will happen. Sadly my children support me fully about leaving thisvtoxic relationship.

Anyone have any advice on how to break free of her control which must include living apart .

[ForeverDad]

My wife seemed perfectly normal for the few years of marriage. Then almost one day to the next she began exhibiting all or most of symptoms of BPD.

I wonder if there was a trauma that triggered this change?

A birth, death, funeral, move, some slight by a friend, etc?

I'm in the process of planning how my departure will happen. Sadly my children support me fully about leaving this toxic relationship.

I am so glad your adult children support you.  You must not realize how many children of a disordered parent have their lives so impacted and controlled during their youth that they can't even see the reality and recognize normalcy and normal people for what and who they/we are.

Top of the list is to get informed.  With education, support and strategies you can make more informed and more confident decisions.  Support is from trusted friends and family, local police, DV resources and your lawyer.  And of course remote peer support such as here, we've "been there, done that".

Also at the top of the list is to protect yourself.  She may throw verbal grenades your way in the form of allegations, guilt trips, blame shifting (onto you) and related sour grapes scenarios.  Prepare yourself.  Be able to prove you didn't strangle her and throw her down the stairs when all you did was brush past her to exit quickly when she she was ranting and raging.

Have you already read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It's our number one legal-oriented handbook for separations and divorces.

Beware of being too appeasing or too 'fair' when separating.  I'm not saying you can't be fair but don't bend over backwards to be overly fair and put yourself at a disadvantage.  After all, would she reciprocate your kindness or fairness for anything that didn't give her an advantage?  Yeah, I thought not.  Most people know not to pet alligators and bears.

[livednlearned]

Hey there RR,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through  and glad you found the site. It really does help to walk with path with people who know how it feels to go through this.

Have you talked to any lawyers yet? We can help you think of questions and what to look for. High-conflict divorces require some specific skill sets and the questions can help you identify if your L has those skills. Not to mention how to tell a good one from a bad one.

Of course, don't tell your wife you are doing this 

How long has it been since your wife physically abused you? This is an important thing to share with your L, too. You may be advised to record her if/when she becomes violent, depending on state laws.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. Go easy on yourself as you prepare. When we have been beaten down for so long, starting to take care of ourselves can be very emotionally jarring.

Whatever you decide, however you work through this, we are here for you.

LnL