IDK how to respond... conversation just went haywire.

[bookworm1]

Last night, I had an argument with UH last night that started out as me making a comment about plans we were discussing on Saturday and it just escalated to what I feel was a ridiculous point... .

H wants to go on a poker run on the motorcycle Saturday.  He found a sitter and I was fine with the whole thing.  He loves the motorcycle.  When I came into sit down in the living room, I said, "I'm good with going, but I'd like to be home on Saturday afternoon to dye eggs with the kids"  H's immediate reaction was that we just should just not go because we wouldn't be home in time.  I told him that we didn't have to do that, but I would like to do that with the kids.  It really frustrated me because I felt like it was his way only.  It got pretty heated between H and I because he was just deciding how it was going to be.  My daughter offered the compromise that we dye eggs Sunday and I said that it would be fine to do that and my son agreed.  When I tried to include H in the conversation he told me that we just weren't going to go because I had said I "wanted to be home Saturday afternoon to dye eggs".  Even when I told him I was trying to offer a compromise, he kept going back to what I had said.  I was trying to make it work, but he refused.

He kept talking over me and I said, "Why are you interrupting me?"  Or "please don't interrupt me" (I honestly don't remember which it was) and then it was "I don't like how you're talking to me so now we're not going", which frustrated me even more... .then it went further south because he made a comment about how the motorcycle was "my bike" and that is why he gets to decide if we go or not.  It made me so angry because we bought the bike well after we were married and we both contribute equal income.

So my questions are how can I avoid a disagreement like this becoming so heated without totally selling myself out

and why?  :)oes anyone have any insight into why this went south?

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[isilme]

This happens to us a lot - I make what I feel is a normal, noninflammatory comment, and it suddenly becomes a big deal where he sees me as controlling or telling him what to do.

1.  I think your H saw you having other things you also wanted to do as invalidating of his desire to go.  BPD does not do well with time management and two events on the same day (as he saw it) seemed incompatible.  He also may have seen you as limiting his time for fun by putting a schedule on it so you could also dye eggs. 

2. Once the dam has burst, anything you try to say will often just fuel the fire.  Disengage if you can at that point.  Nothing useful will be said.  Trying to explain just tells him he's wrong - BPD hates that, again, invladiating.  He will get ugly and scramble to show how right he is, and exert any authority he can.  You can't logic your way out of things at this point.  Explaining does not good - it's the emotions that are speaking. 

3. The bike comment was exerting his "right to be right" over anything you said.  That's it.  It's BOD nonsense and if you can, ignore it.

Basically, I still have eggshell issues when I try to "schedule" things with H.  He is prone to this, too, seeing anything we NEED to do or that I want/don't want to do as preventing him from enjoying life or imposing rules on him.  He is passive-aggressive about being late to things to show no one can control him.  He resents other people's events (even if he wants to go) because they impose a time on him.
 He does NOT do well with time management, and I plan things at our house because at least he can't be late (he may not be dressed when people arrive, but I also keep things casual so it's not a big deal). 

In your situation, I would have probably asked "hey, what time do you think we will be done?  I'd like to go, but it's also Easter and I want to know if we will have time to do eggs when we get home."  But I am a very passive person, and I communicate in a passive way with most people.  That would have let him know his event is a priority, but there were other things to also plan for.

Another approach would have been, "Hey, if we can't get back in time from the poker run, I might sit out so I can make sure we've dyed eggs for tomorrow.  Can so and so join you so you can still ahve fun/can you go alone and enjoy it?" 

Or some other variation.  Basically, BPD does badly with time management and once dysregulation sets in, consideration of the wants of others goes out the window.  So say, this is a bad time, we will talk when you've calmed down.  Walk to another room, leave the house, whatever.  Continuing the conversation is just going to escalate it.  Talking will most likely invalidate him, enraging him more, heaping more unpleasantness on you that you don't need to take unless there is really no way to leave.

[Tattered Heart]

Agree with everything isilme said. Once they get going it's hard to get them back on track and you never know what innocent statement will send them off into offense-land.
My H does this same thing. He makes a me vs him thing even when I'm willing and trying to compromise. Once he has gotten upset he refuses to compromise "on principle".

Once we've gotten past his being angry, I try to approach things one more time. Perhaps you can say something like this, "I know that going out to ride the bike is something you were looking forward to and it's important to me that you get to go. I also think it's fun when we get to dye eggs as a family together. Can we come up with some ideas that would allow you to be able to ride and for us to dye eggs also?"

[isilme]

Once he has gotten upset he refuses to compromise "on principle".

^^ Yes.  Because being miserable but "right" is more important that actually communicating and fixing a problem once that line has been hit.

[WitzEndWife]

Good advice on this thread already, but thought I'd throw in something that works for me with my H. As SOON as I can hear his voice rising, I immediately calm myself, and say in a very calm, caring voice, "You sound angry. Can you explain to me how you're feeling about this?" It completely knocks him off guard, because he fully expects me to "take the bait" and argue with him. I'm careful not to accuse him of being angry, I just tell him he sounds angry, and basically let him know I'm fully listening to him. He just wants to be heard, after all. I also have to make sure I'm in a calm state of mind. It doesn't always happen this way. There are still times when I "take the bait" and argue back, but, when I can have the presence of mind to calm myself to have a wiser view of it, I can prevent a huge blow-up.