Do they(BPD) know you post here?

[JoeBPD81]

Today I'm really down, as usual when she gives me the silent treatment, she says it's better this way because if I knew what was in her head, we'd fight, and it would be worse for us and the kids. She was ok until late at night when she came and I told her I was posting here (in a forum for members of the family of a DPB) We've comented a number of times I'm here, so it wasn't news to her, she turned aroud and looked very angry. I went after her and she told me " don't you dare following me". And this morning she texted me it's better if we don't talk. So I'm not at all sure what is happening inside her head. Last night I texted her that in order not to hurt her, I have a lot to learn, and I need help, I can't just play it by heart, because even though I love her with all my heart, that doesn't give me the tools to not make things wrong for us.

This morning I only validated that she doesn't want to fight or hurt us. And I adkowledge she was feeling really bad. But I've respected the silence since then.  I should be trusting she will finaly regulate her feellings and talk to me. And meanwhile I should get on with my life. But I feel like I'm holding my breath, and I'm really unmotivated.

I go in my head about what can be upseting her so much, and I wish she knew how much I love her and that I'm always on her team. She could feel she's a case for studying instead of a person, that she's a problem to talk about, that I vent about her because she is unbearable, that I can find out things about her that are intimate to her. She can feel too exposed, too observed... .Evaluated, critiziced... .I wish I knew so I could say I understand that. But I also feel she doesn't trust me, and it hurts not to be part of what is going on, and not to know, because it could be something completely different. It wouldn't be the first time she heard wrong, and spends a day or two mad about something that I never said. But I know if I press the matter and JADE, it does make things worse.

How do you guys shoothe your SO about being here?  It has helped both of us, and I talk to her about the new things I learn, and she's reading a book you recomended me, after I read it. We watch the video about validating in families together, and she liked it a lot, although it made her cry. She knows I'm involved and that it is to make things better for us. I don't know why she took it so bad last night.

Any help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I would never let my H know about this site. This is my private space. I don't have much privacy at home so he has no need to know I'm here. I might mention that I read a lot about improving our marriage, conflict resolution, living with someone with anger, etc. He doesn't know he has BPD or even what BPD is. He thinks his only problem is anger. He will never find that I'm on this site because I take extensive precautions to keep it hidden.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for answering.

I don't know how to lie. I didn't tell her the web, or my nick. But she knew I was in an eating dissorder forum, and now here.

She wouldn't read my mail or go through my phone, she is completelly against that. But if I'm on the phone she assumes I'm chating with my hundred (imaginary) girlfriends, so I rather tell the truth.

She is aware of BPD and has a lot of insight about it, she feels she fits everything, although there are differences among examples, she is the "quiet type", and she's been to other phases. Knowledge has given her some peace, but also it's overwhelming and she feels she's even more lost than before as she might "not have a personality", and she's "just a dissorder".

There are so many things I can't talk about with her, because she gets upset... .And I barelly talk with anyone else. Her disgnosis is a secret to everyone I know personally.

[Tattered Heart]

That's the hard part of living with someone with BPD. You don't want them to be embarrassed or shamed. We don't want others to know what is really going on in our lives because most people would just tell us to leave. They don't get that when things are good our relationship is mostly normal. It's hard to understand living with someone with a more severe mental illness. People understand depression and anxiety, but a personality disorder is so out of the norm for others and comes with such negative behavior that they don't see it as illness. So we live a life of secrecy and extreme privacy. It can be very isolating.

And that's why I need this board because I need to be able to say, "My husband called me names today." And all of us know that we just need help getting through the moment because tomorrow he will have forgotten it and our life goes back to "normal".

[once removed]

trying to put myself in her shoes, id be somewhat uncomfortable knowing my partner was discussing me on a message board, even an anonymous one, and even one that was for the benefit of our relationship.

with a high rejection sensitivity, as well as jealousy, i can imagine id struggle a great deal.

How do you guys shoothe your SO about being here? 

i wouldnt, so much. shes indicated she accepts it; id leave it at that.

id also try to remove BPD from the equation, in terms of how you support her. why? because while it may be bringing the two of you closer together in some ways, she will likely grow to feel like a project, and you may inadvertently treat her like one.

as for the silent treatment? shes communicated her need for a healthy time out - different than silent treatment. respect it. it is something that she needs to soothe, and your efforts to soothe her in those moments is likely to make things worse. we all need a timeout sometimes.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks,

I needed to hear it's a healthy time out.

I guess what I need is to learn how to get through these time outs. They can just end, but they end many times in "we can't be together and I made plans to leave" (which impllies not having a place to live for her and the kids), or " I can't stand this life and I mad plans to kill myself". So that's why it gets endless to not know.

[isilme]

Heck no.  H would see it as a betrayal.  He would not see it as a healthy place for me to come and learn anything. 

As far as yours knowing and claiming to accept it - good.  I'd still limit bringing it up. 

[once removed]

take them as they come, and respond to each uniquely. generally speaking, use the time out for yourself. self care, hobbies, healthy reflection, whatever you like to do that benefits you.

if she tells you she made plans to kill herself, you need a safety plan.

[JoeBPD81]

I didn't have a safety plan the previous hundred times. What's that?

Last time she told me something reassuring: even if she gives up custody of the kids she can't leave them alone, she needs to be around them.  I'm glad she thinks that.

[once removed]

I didn't have a safety plan the previous hundred times. What's that?

it would be a good idea to be in touch with a local suicidal ideation resource in terms of developing a plan.

you should be able to see the Safety First! button at the bottom of the lessons to the right (or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm). its got lots of good information.

[JoeBPD81]

Also, some time outs end in "why are you so distant and won't talk to me?"  when she had asked me just that, and I was dying to talk.

[Shane87]

No, she doesn't know.

I don't think she even knows her own diagnosis.  The moment her psychiatrist tried helping her with her passive aggressive behaviors, she decided that she didn't like him anymore.

She might become a real danger to herself and others if she were to discover the truth outside of a carefully managed clinical environment.

[once removed]

Also, some time outs end in "why are you so distant and won't talk to me?"  when she had asked me just that, and I was dying to talk.

it may be that she notices a change in you - giving her space, if you havent given space in the past.

dont JADE, just be there when shes ready to talk.

[isilme]

Also, some time outs end in "why are you so distant and won't talk to me?"  when she had asked me just that, and I was dying to talk.

I'd have to say that this is also indicative of her not admitting her actions could make you less able to engage in talking to her.  And projecting the responsibility for it onto you. 

BPD is a lot about avoiding feelings of shame.  This can be accomplished may ways, as stories on here will document.  One big way is to simply avoid all responsibility - you can't feel ashamed of failure or be responsible for something going badly if you never tired.  Another is to "remember" history in a different manner, taking credit for things you've done and assigning blame for things she's done.  Guilt trips on you take away from any blame that cold be assigned to her.  Another is to simply make everything someone else's fault, so bo blame and therefore shame comes her way.  And once the shame is released, and too much, it's overwhelming and will cause an outburst of some kind. 

With that in mind, think about ways her behaviors are shielding her from shame, and they might be easier to understand in hindsight, and maybe easier to predict or recover from in the future.  This is a grown woman whose emotional coping skills got stunted in early childhood, and the ways she reacts to things is not going to be swayed by logic or reason - the inner toddler who fears abandonment bust also wants to be an individual is very confused, and it's taken out on people in the BPD" bubble", where your pwBPD seems to see you as an extension of themselves that can handle the rage, the anger, and the shame, so it gets dumped onto you.

[JoeBPD81]

I finaly got some info.
She's really angry with me, she's "seeing red", and she fears she won't keep it together if we talked. She feels hurt and betrayed. She thinks I come here to get reassurance in the way of "you are such a great boyfriend for standing that crazy GF", and kudos and fans. She says she tells me that herself often enough, but I don't get it.

I told her I'm human and I'm not avobe wanting reassurance, but that's not why I come here, I come to learn from my mistakes to stop making things worse on my end.

Then she told me that she doesn't buy htat, and also all the things I suspected yesterday, that she's not a proyect, that she doesn't want to be identified with a disorder, that it is humiliating to have someone educating himself about your illness... .She said it's not safe to talk to me anymore.

I told her I get all of that (she says I really don't), but what's the alternative? I can't turn my back on her and just not learn about the kind of suffering she is into.

She said "Yeah, you made a great improvement!" and to leave her alone.

So that was the end of it.

I feel guilty, because when she breaks comunication, or when I only get anger, of course I feel alone and sad and I need reassurance. I need to vent or something. But not when she's comunicating with me. I need someone that listens and answers something rational, to keep it together myself. Anything that is not hate or silence is wellcome.

I get it. I would hate that my GF had to inform herself about a disorder that I have, and look at me as a patient, as a "weirdo". I see she can feel observed and judged, when I'm trying to do the "opposite of judging" listening accepting and validating... .But I'm so new to this!

I'm so f-ing lost.

[flourdust]

At its core, BPD is driven by massive, uncontrolled  insecurity. Anything that feeds into that -- rational or not -- is triggering. This is a community that discusses BPD problems.  Your girlfriend's problems. There's no way that is not going to trigger that insecurity, and all the maladaptive coping behaviors that follow.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm not so much lost about what happened, as to what can I do next, or how deep this mess has gone.

I rather have her silence now, I'm calmer than yesterday, but I fear her next words, in this state.

She usually has another kind of crisis after rage, that involves saying I was right and she is such a bad GF, and I deserve something better because she has nothing to offer but pain, and therefore she has to leave me. And that phase is the really painful one for me.

I wish she could think "he gets it, he knows nothing was wrong and that I meant no harm... ." and get over this and start making good memories, without that guilt phase.

Any thoughts on that? Thank you all.

[flourdust]

Have you learned the three Cs?

I didn't cause it... .

I can't control it... .

I can't cure it.

[isilme]

those are good, flourdust.  JoeBPD81, it's true.  YOU did not cause her problems.  She has an emotional disorder.  This is not something easily "treated".  It's a combination of biochemical issues plus learned responses to stimuli that are harmful to herself, and to those close to her.  Also, it comes pretty often with a huge serving of paranoia fed from their own poor self images. 

This place is for YOU to vent.  She does not need to now you do it.  I mean, not to be gross, but when you use the restroom you don't have to tell her what you expelled from your body, do you?  Then you don't need to tell her what you expelled from your emotional core, either.  It is not something you NEED to discuss with her, have her permission to do, or to benefit from. 

This is not about our loved ones being "projects".  They are people we love who both hurt us and themselves with this mess, and we are looking for ways to help each other help ourselves, and by proxy, our loves ones.  Honestly, the truth is that posting on here, while it's about how your actions and her actions can create drama, it's not about her.  It's about YOU.  What YOU need.  You need to talk? - it's your place.  You need to read?  It's your place.  You can only change YOU.  She can decide to come along for the ride or not, but you need to look out for YOU feelings and YOUR emotions.

I wish she could think "he gets it, he knows nothing was wrong and that I meant no harm... ." and get over this and start making good memories, without that guilt phase.

This is called the FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  It's a manipulative tactic, summed up well in the title of the book, "I hate you don't leave me".  her letting you know she feels bad about herself if also meant to make you feel bad for making her feel bad.  She is not in a place where she can feel her emotions without making you feel them too.  But like flourdust said, it's not you.  It's her.  With you, without you, she will have these feelings.  Let her have her feelings,  You did not cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

[once removed]

I feel guilty, because when she breaks comunication, or when I only get anger, of course I feel alone and sad and I need reassurance. I need to vent or something. But not when she's comunicating with me. I need someone that listens and answers something rational, to keep it together myself. Anything that is not hate or silence is wellcome.

remember, it takes a great deal of strength to be in these relationships.  if you get emotionally caught up in her withdrawing (which, fortunately, she communicates to you) or what shes going to do next, its going to make your path a great deal more blurry, so to speak. this is mostly about her and how she feels about herself, but that is amplified by your disclosing your participation here.

we all need reassurance and support, of course, and this is a great place to get it. we will walk with you through this. additionally, are you seeing a therapist? and have you read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[JoeBPD81]

Thank you all, trully.

I'm caught up in my own feelings and it's hard to regulate myself. I do have to change to become less involved, to have something else in my life that can motivate me, or at least distract me. With kids that I have a bond thrugh her, it's very hard.