Hi Walking,
Sorry to hear about your situation but I'm happy to see that you found the "group". I like the others would like to welcome you ... .let you know you're not alone in your situation as others have pointed out.
First of all I really want to commend you on seeing a counselor/therapist. This is really the first step on your journey recovering from your r/s with a pw/BPD. It's a journey you can walk as we've have all walked our own ... .it's a journey full of pot holes, wild turns, U-turns and hills. Along your journey you will stumble & fall ... .but know you're not alone. If you look up you'll see others from the group with a hand out to help you up. We'll straighten you up, dust you off & pat you on the butt & tell you keep walking. It's then up to you to take a different path on your journey to see where that will lead, stay on the path you're currently on & see how that works out or you can sit down right were you're at and do nothing. The choice is and always has been yours to make.
As someone else pointed out this is a time for you to heal, learn, move forward in your life. Make sure that your getting enough sleep. Make sure that you're eating right and that you're reducing your stress by getting out and taking at least a mile walk after work. Even a slow walk will take you about 15-20 minutes and it helps more than you realize. Take notice of the small things in life ... .drinking a cup of coffee, tea, a Pepsi or your favorite beverage and watch the sun come up in the morning ... .it does wonders for you & helps you realize that it's the small things in life.
Some book suggestions to run by your therapist to educate yourself on ... ."The Human Magnet Syndrome", "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "I Hate you ... .Don't leave me". Your therapist might even have a couple of those too for you to borrow.
Don't isolate yourself ... .get out on the weekend with your friends for a burger & a beer ... .the next morning go for a hike and walk it off with them or a bike ride. Take your son to different events, drag races, hiking, biking, NASCAR, fishing, a rock concert, day road trip somewhere ... .it'll help him reduce his stress to by getting him out of the house and chilling ... .maybe let him bring up any subject about mom, etc first ... .but I would run that one by your therapist first.
I commend you on No Contact (NC) for your first month ... .but this is part of the journey ... .she will continue to reach out to you ... .via a text, phone calls, etc ... .any other "person" in her life is temporary ... .they always seem to be. Be sure to take care of yourself & your needs during these times she try's to manipulate you into contacting her.
You said,
"Guess I would like to hear and read about is how some of you have coped and what you did to help you move on with your life. I would greatly appreciate it. This has been one of the biggest struggles of my life. Trying to get my self worth, self esteem, and self love back." Well these are just some of the things that helped me on my journey ... .others have other means of moving forward, coping, self worth & self esteem back. My therapist really helped me get to the root of the problem and I truly believe this is the key to moving on. You have to be willing to look deep inside yourself, self reflection, a deep dive ... .look back at your history growing up to see where some of your behavior came from. Most people who fall in love with a pw/PBD are called "NON's" aka codependent, care giver, etc. wanting to take care of others who can't take care of themselves. We are fixers, we fix things. A lot of NONs are first responders, military, doctors, nurses, etc. We like to help people with problems which a pw/BPD WILL ALWAY HAVE. So the book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" explains this r/s between NONs & pwPBD. Most of us are perfectionist, we grew learning this behavior for one reason or another. For me I had an absent alcoholic father & my step mother was the one with BPD ... .so I've come to learn. Looking back and learning about ones childhood can be painful but it's necessary in order not to repeat history.
You said,
"But honestly stating, she has left me in a hard emotional spot." This is VERY common so don't feel alone in your grief. You can't fix BPD ... .and honestly Ph.d's, therapist, modern science, modern medicine & modern pharma can't fix BPD. The best anyone can hope for is a "Management" of the behavior after decades of constant therapy AND only if the pwPBD is willing to put in the time & effort.
Since I'm retired military and I have this attitude of "NOT FAILING" at anything I thought I could fix her. In my extensive research from respected institutions like John Hopkins, Harvard, etc. there is common agreement that the brain in pwBPD is physically broken. The best way I heard it described in one study is that the "neuro-highways" in the brain are like the intercity highway with offramp to other streets ... .however in a pw/BPD the off ramps are finished, they don't connect to anything.
There are studies to show that the in part, "
Compared with HC, BPD subjects had significant bilateral reductions in gray matter concentrations in ventral cingulate gyrus and several regions of the medial temporal lobe, including the hippocampus, amygdala, parahippocampal gyrus, and uncus. BPD women (and abused BPD women), but not BPD men, had significant reductions in medial temporal lobe, including the amygdala. BPD men, but not BPD women, showed diminished gray matter concentrations in the anterior cingulate gyrus compared with findings HC." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3286221/This along with other respected medical studies, a good therapist helped me truly understand the seriousness of BPD & that current modern medicine can't fix it so what made me think I could. I had to learn to let go of her, my step mother, step sister & 1/2 brother. I learned that BPD can be pass down from one generation to the next. I'm convinced that my step mothers now deceased brother was BPD as well. He was released from the Air Force after 16 years for a personality disorder that he refused to expand on with me. He was married no less than 5 times, had severe behavioral issues that are consistent with BPD. I now see them in my 1/2 brother, step sister as well.
I had to remove myself from their lives too if I was to survive & continue my healing. I've moved 1/2 way across the country to do it. I have been NC/LC with them for awhile now. I am happier than I've been in some time. For me and you'll hear it from time to time in the forums that dealing with a pw/BPD behavior is like dealing with the Wizard of Oz flying monkey's. I know that some have switched their phone ring tone for their respective pwBPD to Ozzy Osborn "Crazy Train" " the theme of flying monkey's". It can be funny ... .which reminds me ... .GET YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR BACK~! Laugh !
And another thing that helps is coming back here when you have moments of weakness or you stumble on your journey ... .someone from the group will always be here to help you. We WON'T judge you because we've been where you are. Ask questions ... .read ... .educate yourself ... .YOU are a good person ... .learn to take care of yourself ... .be happy with your choices ... .and LIVE LIFE FOR YOU~!
J
