I hate this

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just hate this situation. I keep re-opening my wounds by falling for the little bread crumbs thrown my way and the one recycle the past 6 months. I am so depressed. The pain isn't going away right now. I just want to leave work. I want to check into a psych facility this weekend. I want to do everything but be in my head.

I hate myself for falling for the idealization. I had reservations from the start but I fell for it. I allowed myself to fall for it instead of sticking up for my own self-esteem. And I stayed in even though I saw it becoming a one way street of giving, giving, giving. I needed to type this because I felt like I was losing my mind.

I have to move on. But I don't want to face this battle. I'm so drained. Outside of a few days here and there this has been going on in my head for 6 months. It needs to stop. I give up. I honestly do. I have to surrender, and accept this. I just want the pain to go away already.

[roberto516]

I just hate this situation. I keep re-opening my wounds by falling for the little bread crumbs thrown my way and the one recycle the past 6 months. I am so depressed. The pain isn't going away right now. I just want to leave work. I want to check into a psych facility this weekend. I want to do everything but be in my head.

I hate myself for falling for the idealization. I had reservations from the start but I fell for it. I allowed myself to fall for it instead of sticking up for my own self-esteem. And I stayed in even though I saw it becoming a one way street of giving, giving, giving. I needed to type this because I felt like I was losing my mind.

I have to move on. But I don't want to face this battle. I'm so drained. Outside of a few days here and there this has been going on in my head for 6 months. It needs to stop. I give up. I honestly do. I have to surrender, and accept this. I just want the pain to go away already.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey roberto516, Don't beat yourself up!  You're human, like the rest of us.  Plenty of us have "fallen for it" and plenty of us (including me) have recycled.  Give yourself a break.  Now is the time to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, which is the first step, in my view, towards recovery.  Suggest you shift the focus to YOU.  Let go of the outcome.  Consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Hang in there!

LuckyJim

[Circle]

Sounds like you are reaching a new stage.

Taking a meditation class helped me practice 'getting out of my head'.
You can watch one on youtube.
Or, take a retreat at a center, for a weekend.
You could take a meditation class too.

What you are going through is perfectly natural.
I still go back to the idealization now and then.

As with all of our thoughts, they are thoughts.
They are not us.
We can let them exist and not act on them.
Acceptance, though painful, will bring you the biggest dividends.
Keep posting.
Hang in there.

[In a bad way]

I just hate this situation. I keep re-opening my wounds by falling for the little bread crumbs thrown my way and the one recycle the past 6 months. I am so depressed. The pain isn't going away right now. I just want to leave work. I want to check into a psych facility this weekend. I want to do everything but be in my head.

I hate myself for falling for the idealization. I had reservations from the start but I fell for it. I allowed myself to fall for it instead of sticking up for my own self-esteem. And I stayed in even though I saw it becoming a one way street of giving, giving, giving. I needed to type this because I felt like I was losing my mind.

I have to move on. But I don't want to face this battle. I'm so drained. Outside of a few days here and there this has been going on in my head for 6 months. It needs to stop. I give up. I honestly do. I have to surrender, and accept this. I just want the pain to go away already.

I feel the same mate, it's horrific it won't stop.
I'm stuck in my head and have been for 11 months, I want her out of my head but it's as though it's been too long, she's ingrained in there.
No matter how logically I approach this my thoughts keep going back.
Funnily enough I hardly think of the good times, I'm stuck going over all the crap things she did but I still remember the good her, if that makes any sense?
I knew I was in a no win crazy situation and I threatened to leave a few times but she said the right words, her actions didn't meet those words or if they did it was short lived.
I actually didn't see her for 3 days (my choice) because during phone calls and texts she wouldn't listen, it just wouldn't sink into her how she was treating me.
The last time I saw her she promised on the phone and text that we would have a nice night with a takeaway and she wouldn't cause any argument.
She asked me to get her something on the way to hers and when I got there she took it off me and said thanks, then she had a go at me about how I had let her down over the last few days by not being there. I wasn't there because she wouldn't budge on certain things.
I took back what I had just given her and was trying to walk out met with screaming, swearing and I just said you broke your promise and I've not even been ere 2 minutes and I didn't come to be abused.
Still more screaming at me and out of shear frustration I kicked a vase over on the way out.
Well that was it, to her I was a crazy violent man who needed anger management classes.
The next few days were just texts back and fourth where I even agreed to the anger management and she said she was seeing a therapist at work(
didn't and don't believe her)
She refused seeing someone together, probably because the truth would have come out and she couldn't accept it because I think she actually knew she was wrong.
Then her texts were all over the place, promising things one minute and reneging the next.
I said some pretty awful things back and that was it, never heard from her since.
Seems like it was OK for her to abuse me week in week out but as soon as I said something not nice back she was gone.

But like you it's all stuck in my brain and won't leave, not just the end but loads of other things she did.

[roberto516]

I mean I have only two choices. To move on for my own sake, and not because she told me to stay away, or I succumb to this and let it destroy my life. It's the only options I have. I need to keep talking to people about my feelings, vent when I need to, and just look within to find that fun loving guy who was depleted from so much of this.

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto516,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I can relate with anxiety at work, i've had panic attacks at work they're not fun, I haven't had them for awhile

I wanted to ask you if you talked to your GP about depression because you mentioned that you're feeling down?

I just wanted to give you some tips, try positive coping statements like, "This shall pass" I'm stronger than I think" "These are just feelings, they will go away" Often we'll blow the issue out of proportion of what it actually is and we undermine ourselves by thinking that we can't cope with it.

[roberto516]

Hi Roberto516,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I can relate with anxiety at work, i've had panic attacks at work they're not fun, I haven't had them for awhile

I wanted to ask you if you talked to your GP about depression because you mentioned that you're feeling down?

I just wanted to give you some tips, try positive coping statements like, "This shall pass" I'm stronger than I think" "These are just feelings, they will go away" Often we'll blow the issue out of proportion of what it actually is and we undermine ourselves by thinking that we can't cope with it.

Thanks mutt,

It's so illogical in reality. I was in a BPD relationship before. And I got through it. Albeit I had a job I didn't have to work all the time, and I mainly partied with friends. Now I'm older, and I guess I had closed off the door to my heart for a while. But then I opened it once more. And I think it's the 6 months of periodic contact with a recycle and attempted recycles. Push/Pull. Etc. The first ex tried once for emotional support. A day later told me to go (and that her unborn child was my replacements) which I guess hammered it home that we could never work. This one is much more of a toss up. She's still single, working on herself, still reaching out when she needs something.

I honestly think I was suffering from depression. Then I felt better. Then she recycled me. And then I was alright. Then she did this mini thing with her getting a job I wanted, etc. I know I'm rambling. I think it's just the wear and tear. It's been going on for so long. Today I felt truly depressed. To the point my boss expressed concern for my well being.

I took a walk today and I battled. I was speaking to myself aloud. From "you will get through this." and positive affirmations to "there's no point. what's the point?"

I don't know why this one is slowly killing me whereas the other one didn't. It really hurt me as well. But I was probably numbing it with partying, and a real busy work schedule after I guess I had detoxed. Now I am learning what I can, and actually trying to work on my pain. Which could be a lot of the sadness.

I truly believed she was the one. The love-bomb was perfect. And then I didn't want to see that I had become caretaker, and she just used it all up. So I guess it's all this suppressed "I told you so." that I knew I should have listened to a month into the relationship.

Last thing, I was journaling from February up until the first recycle in late March (naturally it's when I stopped). And I see the pattern. I predicted all of it. It was somewhat refreshing. I should have re-read it long ago. I'd say I know she is done now. But she probably won't be. Unless she finds someone. She's 35. This is her pattern. She will be faced with anxiety. And she will want my help. I just need to stay strong if it ever happens. It needs to stop.

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto516,

I think that it's commendable that you know that it's difficult to go through but it has to stop, short term pain for long term gain. Having said that, it can be hard to see better days ahead when we're knee deep in pain. You're not rambling, it helps to type and get your story out. I dumped so many experiences good but mostly bad here on the forum, so I could  get others to help me make sense of it, because a lot of it didn't make sense at the time.

I think that I loved all of my exgf's that had BPD traits, same with my exuBPDw, it felt different with all of them, some more passionately than others. Correct me if I'm wrong, maybe you put your party days behind you, you're a little older now and are ready for some change? Maybe your ready to settle down, maybe you cared about your ex a lot and / or you wanted to settle down with her, you could see yourself with her in the future?

[roberto516]

Mutt you hit it right on the head. The first ex never held a steady job, did a lot of drugs etc. I just knew it couldnt work.

The recent one had a good job, her own condo (ignoring the red flag that her dad put all the down payment on it bevause of her poor money management) and so I probably felt like the love bombing was sincere mixed with the belief she had a good head on her shoulders. I'm hindsight, I ignored she got adderal while she was in school and hid her benzo prescription from me until later in the relationship.

In actuality. They had way too many similarities. I think a lot of the pain was that I thought she was a life partner and now a lot of it is "how did I not see the signs?"

[Mutt]

Hi Roberto516,

Maybe her dad is a fixer when he rescues her with her money problems. I can understand how this one packs more of a punch then the last break up because it's more complicated, it's more than just lost love, it's a lost dream too.

Don't be hard on yourself, I can also understand overlooking certain things because you want things to work out, many of us on this board did just that, including me. I recall I stood up my ex before we were really going out, she kept calling my cell and I picked up and I heard the other side of her, I looked over at a friend and said she's over reacting, that's eventually the person that revealed herself to me years down the road.

I ignored my intuition but having gone through this experience I learned that our intuition is there to warn us and guide us and that I should listen to it, i could have learned that from another experience, it just happened to be this experience. How do we learn if we don't make mistakes?

Maybe it's something to look at, it sounds like you want someone that has it together, maybe you've outgrown both exes and you want something that has more substance to it. What do you think?

[roberto516]

Right again mutt,

Parents are fixers. They paid for all her schooling, bought her cars, etc. It's what she wanted me to be and all her exes. Its why we fought about money. She wanted her money to be hers and my money to be hers. But i did start saving in a ira so i could let her retire before me.

She said she's working on herself so she doesn't have to rely on a boyfriend. Hopefully she does for everyone's sake. But her parents she will always rely on.

And you're right. My intuition in the beginning was to be very cautious. But love bombing mixed with good looks. I'm a guy. It's tough .

And yes. Deep down I know I had outgrown this. Probably why the first one lasted 3 years and I had enough of this one after 18 months. I miss the dream. That's all. The dream that wasn't real and which disappeared after 3 months.

I deserve better. If she finds herself and works n herself so she can love someone then good for them. I doubt it. But I can focus on me. I hate to admit it because I miss the companionship (even though none existed anymore) I have to be with myself now. Maybe forever. Amd I'll be okay with that. It will mean I'm at peace.

[Mutt]

Parents are fixers. They paid for all her schooling, bought her cars, etc. It's what she wanted me to be and all her exes. Its why we fought about money. She wanted her money to be hers and my money to be hers. But i did start saving in a ira so i could let her retire before me.

You did the right thing because it you were defending your boundaries, your values.

But I can focus on me. I hate to admit it because I miss the companionship (even though none existed anymore) I have to be with myself now. Maybe forever. Amd I'll be okay with that. It will mean I'm at peace.

You feel this way now about the possibility that you'll be by yourself, you'll feel differently about it one day, you know that you don't want to continue this path with her, if you and her parents fix her problems, it's a temporary solution to a more complex problem that needs to be addressed by your ex.

Her parents can't do that for her, you can't either, maybe my experience will help you, maybe not. I just wanted my ex to get better and like you I had reached my limit, my love was not above the disorder, it can't fix it, I let it go to a higher power to look over her. I let go and let God, because if I continued on the path that I was on with her, she's not going to get help, she just wanted to be enabled, so I removed myself from the network of enablers, I'm one less person and maybe one step closer for her to get help, she has to have her back to the wall before that happens.

You have realistic goals, maybe it's something that you can work towards, we don't know what's in store for the future, but if we turn that compassion the other way around with self compassion, that same abundant compassion that we gave to our exes, I'm sure that positive things are in store for you. Maybe a goal for yourself could also be a Mustang or something, may set another goal with getting yourself a sports I think that you did the right thing with not compromising your values and give yourself a pat on the back for that.

[Lucky Jim]

I need to keep talking to people about my feelings, vent when I need to, and just look within to find that fun loving guy who was depleted from so much of this.

Hello again, Roberto, Right, you can find that guy again.  I, too, was lost for a while there in my marriage to a pwBPD.  It's not fun to forget who you are.  That's sounds weird, but that's what happened to me.  At some point, I figured out that deep down I was still the same person that had lost his way and realized that I could find myself again.  I thought of it like a pilot light on an old gas stove that is always on, even if you can't see it.  Suggest you center yourself with your "pilot light" and listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim