My girlfriend has BPD. Compulsive lies and unfaithfulness.

[cecil27]

Hi
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years now. It was amazing at the start, she made me feel like I was everything to her and she would always shower me with affection.

We have had some tough times. She suffers with anxiety and depression, and I have supported her through this and for the last year or so, she has managed these conditions well. About a year ago she was diagnosed with BPD. To be honest, I didn't really think much of it at the time, but I am finding that to be a big cost now.

For over a year however, the love and affection has dried up. She told me that it may be because of her anti depressant medication which I believe is possible. I have however accepted that she may not always want to be sexual with me and I never get angry when she says no. I love her lot, we have a house together.

Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, she went awol for a night which was not like her at all. She had been talking to people on a dating website and proceeded to meet up with someone and sleep with them. I found the guy's name and spoke to him. He was unaware that I was her boyfriend as she told him that we had broken up. He confirmed that they slept together. This has really hurt me, but I have read that BPD can cause these type of behaviours. I feel I could forgive her if she came.clean with me, but she is sticking with her story.

When I confronted her about it, she denied sleeping with him and said she only kissed him for a second then left. She also made up a story about being sexually assaulted the same night. I am so confused and want us to work things out, but how can I trust someone that convulsively lies and acts so impulsively with random men?

This made.me.question other things that she had told me. She said she had a serious illness 2 years ago and was going for chemo. I was never allowed to any hospital appointments and she had no signs of having had chemo. There have been other far fetched stories too.

I feel very alone and am.not sure how to deal with this. I often feel like I have done something wrong when she pushes me away, and I miss the intimacy that we used to share. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

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[Mutt]

Hi cecil27, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. That has to be incredibly hard to talk to a guy that slept with your gf. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I can relate with your post.

Long story short, my ex came out with her boyfriend three weeks after she left me, there were signs of an affair that confirmed it. In Oct of 2012 she said she was leaving me, I convinced her to stay for a few months, we were family of six, married with a young family. She said that she wasn't having an affair because she told that she was leaving me.

I know that it's confusing, frustrating and maybe even insulting when you to try to get your partner to fess up, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, chronic shame, feelings of self contempt self loathing and self hating. She's telling you some of these far fetched feelings to mask these powerful and destructive feelings of shame, that doesn't make it right but it helps to understand why a pwBPD behave the way that they do, there's a fundamental logic to the behaviors.

Mental illness is not excuse, a person that is mentally still has an obligation to take care and work on themselves to learn healthier habits for self maintenance. I had to look at my values and if it was something that aligned with it, is it something that I can work with, is she interested in trying to repair the r/s? We can't tell you what to do, I know that it's not easy to process this, that's why we're here to listen to you and to reflect back anything that you need help with. I hope that helps.

[cecil27]

Thanks Mutt. It's good to have some feedback. I am sorry to hear about your relationship, it must have been very hard for you.

Do you mind if I ask how you dealt with trust issues after you convinced her to stay? I want to be able to get over it because I believe that the relationship is worth fighting for.

Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi cecil27,

I convinced her because it was close to Christmas, the kids were really young, three of us have birthdays just after the holidays, I asked her to stay until the kids birthdays, I could tell that she was determined, so I let her go.