BPD EX - This is my experience (easy to read)

[Unknown User]

Hello Everyone,

I want to share with you my experience with my ex BPD, and if you want, try to explain me the reason of this behavior.

I was together with this person for an year more or less, we move to live together in 2 months and at the third she start changing. After several arguments trough those year we broke up, and she moved out the day of my birthday this January.

Here some things that happened DURING THE RELATIONSHIP with her:

* Once I got a call from a female friend that she was pregnant, she asked me I can collect her from the Hospital, so we can have a chat while I bring her to the bus stop. Be aware that she is engaged. My ex asked me if she can come over, and I just said that I preferred to see her by myself and that I'll come home in an hour, as I did.
She deleted her from FB, and said that I cared more about my friend then her. She always bring up this story in every argument by calling her "The pregnant princess"

* I needed to move back to my city for a week as my father was sick in the hospital and she got very upset by that.When I was there she was texting me very upset, by saying that I left her alone there. She didn't believe that I was at the Hospital, and she was calling the fact that I was at my city a "holiday"

* She always wanted to check my phone, but I never allowed her to do it as I thought that wasn't fair as I never ever thought to do the same thing with her mobile.

* She always complained about the friends "girls" that I had on FB, even if they were quite old ones. Even if I didn't to anything with them. She was calling them sluts, or attentions whores. she wanted me to delete all of them.
I never ever asked her to do the same

* She was getting upset if I was thinking to go out with friends, I'm not a party animal, usually I was going back home within 2/3 hours. It was just to spend time with them, not for other reasons.
She said that I was always going out. I asked my friends if it was true after we broke up. But they said that in an year I was out only by myself, 4/5 times max

* When we were in my city we got invited for a dinner. The day of the dinner she said that she didn't wanted to got at that s****y dinner.

* Once we where at her grandparents place and they asked if she could stay for the nights. I told her that I'll go back home, and I'll see her the next day. As I really thought that she and they might want to spend time together.She refused, and on the way home she said that I don't have to never ever say something like that in front of them again. She got upset and she told me that she's not staying away for the night so I can do what I want

* She was always bringing things that I did in the past before I met her almost at every argument we had

* She was smoking weed every day, I tried to explain to her that I noticed a change when she start doing this and if she can try to do it only at the weekend.
She called me a control freak


Here what happen AFTER WE BROKE UP:

1. After the broke up she always asked me if I was going out, almost every day. She was getting very upset if I  was, but it was fine for her if she was doing it.
She said that I couldn't go out because she doesn't trust me at all, and she never will

2. One Friday, early in the evening, she called me saying that she was very sick. I was worried for her and I asked if she wanted me to come over to her place to bring some food and medicines, but her answer was that she needed just to rest.
She called me at 2 in the night, saying that she was coming back home and asked if she can come over to my place. I didn't get upset with her for the fact that she lied, but I told here that she could come over.
ONCE she enter in the building she started insulting my friends (girls) out of nowhere, saying that I should f**k them, etc. She started getting quite violent, I tried to push her out of the door and at that point she punched me in the face.
The day after she texted me and called me several times to ask me sorry for what happen

3. She always played with me the Hot & Cold treatment after the broke up.

4. I saw here one night in a pub, we start talking and when I left her she start texting me. When she realized that in my group there is was girls too she start saying that she will enjoy her night too, and that for sure I cheated on her when we were together. Late that evening she told me that she was going to eat something, and I asked here to join. We ended to my place, we didn't to anything, we eat and slept.
The morning after I gave to her some of my clothes, and walked her to her place. When I asked her to have my stuff back,
 she said that I have to go in the area where she live to get them back. I explain to her that it wasn't something polite to do, but she kept that behavior. I told her to trow them in the garbage

5.  When we where in the NC she texted me asking me "how are you?". I answer here and we start chatting. She asked if I was seeing somebody, and to bee fare I told her that I prefer not to talk about this as I don't want to know what she is doing at the moment. It ended with her telling me that she was going to Amsterdam for the weekend with her housemate. Off course she added some middle fingers emojis on that message. I just asked here to do not contact me anymore. She answered with a good bye and an heart emoji.
A week later she texted me again by asking where did I took my FB picture. I didn't answer her text

6. She gave me a watch for xmas, few weeks after the brake up she asked me that watch back, with other stuff that she gave to me. I gave back only the watch, and of course she sold it.
She said that the reason was that she was completely broke. And she needed money, that's why she wanted everything back


The story could me much longer trust me. But I wanted to tell you only a part, as we all know already that she told me that everything is my fault, she will never trust me, etc... .

I still don't understand how is it possible that after all of this, and those 6 months that passed by why I still thinking about her every day. And trust me, I do miss her a lot.

Thanks for reading this, I hope that this post could give me some answers. Or if you are in a similar situation, could help you to go over it.

I hope you have a nice day!

[Mutt]

Hi Unknown User,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how confusing her behaviors is and it would make me question if she had a personality disorder. We're not doctors or professionals, we can't diagnose someone only a professional can do that. What we can look at and set boundaries are BPD traits. Many members have exes that are subclinical, some are dianosed, most aren't. I can see some BPD traits, she doesn't seem like trusted you, a pwBPD are hyper vigilant with rejection and expect that they will be rejected, they're always on alert for perceived by or real rejection.

I like another member described a romantic r/s with a pwBPD, a pwBPD give off a certain electricity about them, I'm just speaking for myself when I say this, I didn't understand the dynamics of a r/s and I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, a pwBPD will say mostly negative things about you, I just wanted to make the marriage work, so I kept trying and I thought that at some point my ex would validate me and see past all of the negative things that she said about, some of it I believed at the time, or I was self doubting. I agree it's a tough break-up but we're all here going through the same thing as you, we're to help each other. You're not alone.

[schwing]

Hi Unknown User and

I want to share with you my experience with my ex BPD, and if you want, try to explain me the reason of this behavior.

I'll try to relate some of what you wrote to my understanding of people with borderline personality disorder (pwBPD).  Hopefully some of what I write will be helpful to you.

I was together with this person for an year more or less, we move to live together in 2 months and at the third she start changing. After several arguments trough those year we broke up, and she moved out the day of my birthday this January.

Some pwBPD seem to experience a disordered fear of abandonment.  And I describe it as "disordered" because they not only fear real abandonment, but also *imagined* abandonment.  For some pwBPD, it seems that the more intimately connected to you they are, the more they will experience this imagined fear that you will abandon them.  Such that even though you have no such intention, they will still feel that you will imminently abandon them.

As I see it, after you moved in together, as your BPD loved one's feelings of intimacy and familiarity started developing, she was probably also experiencing more and more this disordered fear that you would abandon her.  For some pwBPD, these disordered feelings are highlighted on occasions of intimate and familial significance such as family holidays and special occasions such as birthdays.

* Once I got a call from a female friend that she was pregnant, she asked me I can collect her from the Hospital, so we can have a chat while I bring her to the bus stop. Be aware that she is engaged. My ex asked me if she can come over, and I just said that I preferred to see her by myself and that I'll come home in an hour, as I did.
She deleted her from FB, and said that I cared more about my friend then her. She always bring up this story in every argument by calling her "The pregnant princess"

When pwBPD experience this disordered fear of abandonment, they try to identify the cause of why they might be feeling this way.  So any attention or assistance you might offer to a friend can become the lightning rod for their disordered feelings.

Your BPD loved one believed that you want to leave her, and when she saw that you were with your pregnant friend, she then believe that you intended to leave her in order to be with this friend.

* I needed to move back to my city for a week as my father was sick in the hospital and she got very upset by that.When I was there she was texting me very upset, by saying that I left her alone there. She didn't believe that I was at the Hospital, and she was calling the fact that I was at my city a "holiday"

For pwBPD, their imagined abandonment can happen not only because of imagined romantic connections but also from other close/familial connections.  She probably believed that you would leave her in order to take care of your ill father.  I believe that pwBPD can only be attached to one person at a time (even though this can change rapidly) and so it is difficult for them to imagine that we might be able to love both a family member and them at the same time.

* She always wanted to check my phone, but I never allowed her to do it as I thought that wasn't fair as I never ever thought to do the same thing with her mobile.

Because of their disordered feelings, I imagine it is nearly impossible for pwBPD to trust us.  I don't think your BPD loved one was concerned about fairness; she was only concerned about avoiding her (imagined) abandonment.

* She was smoking weed every day, I tried to explain to her that I noticed a change when she start doing this and if she can try to do it only at the weekend.
She called me a control freak

Many pwBPD use alcohol, addictive substances (or behaviors) as a means of "managing" their disordered feelings.  At the beginning of our relationships, when they were not so overwhelmed by their disordered feelings (because at that time, there will little or no real intimacy/familiarity), they had less to manage.

One Friday, early in the evening, she called me saying that she was very sick. I was worried for her and I asked if she wanted me to come over to her place to bring some food and medicines, but her answer was that she needed just to rest.
She called me at 2 in the night, saying that she was coming back home and asked if she can come over to my place. I didn't get upset with her for the fact that she lied, but I told here that she could come over.
ONCE she enter in the building she started insulting my friends (girls) out of nowhere, saying that I should f**k them, etc. She started getting quite violent, I tried to push her out of the door and at that point she punched me in the face.
The day after she texted me and called me several times to ask me sorry for what happen

Another way that pwBPD manage their disordered emotions is to use other people as backup plans.  For example, if she was experiencing her fear of abandonment with whomever she was currently attached to: one way to mitigate that fear is to have someone else to whom she could run to and so abandoned  her current attachment.

I imagine when she called you looking for attention, she was making sure that you could be a potential "recycle."  And as long as you are receptive, she could leave whomever she was experiencing her fear of abandonment, and be with you.  But when she actually came over to be with you, she found you with other people.  And so her fear of abandonment got re-triggered all over again.

She always played with me the Hot & Cold treatment after the broke up.

I imagine because her "Hot" behavior always ended up triggering her disordered emotions which led to the "Cold" behaviors.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing