When kids begin to notice that something isn't right

[Mutt]

I'm interested in hearing about how kids start to notice that there's something off with their parent and how you handled it. My D11 is starting to pick things up, I don't think she thinks that there's something off with mom, she has noticed when mom says weird things though.

This last visit, my D11 thought that mom's reaction was weird because of something S5 said to mom, I know when the hyper sensitive button has been pushed with uBPDxw, it doesn't take much, she will usually said that you're being rude about something when most people would interpret things differently. I don't know where S5 picked this up, he'll say ":)ad I don't like you, I think I love you" he said the same thing to mom and she said that he was being rude to her, feelings equals facts or maybe he said it in a tone that invalidated her, he's only 5. I just told my D11, I can see how that would be a weird response but some people may react differently and be more sensitive than others. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

I guess the reason why I'm starting this discussion is because the frequency of these weird moments that D11 picks up won't be less, they'll probably be more.‎

[Turkish]

Nice job on the SET with your daughter.  How did she respond?

What your son said is cute,  though I can see how a pwBPD might take it the wrong way.  Maybe he picked it up,  or maybe he made it up.  I've asked S7 about certain things he comes up with and sometimes he responds, "I got it from my head." 

This is hard to navigate without editorializing without filters 

I'd turn it back on her while continuing to SET when it comes back in the future.  She's a sharp young lady to pick up on this.  It might boil down to "yes, that's mommy's personality."

[Mutt]

She didn't give a response, she wasn't confused, she looked like I gave her something to think about. She's pretty smart, what i'll usually do is offer her a different perspective and she'll think about that.

It is cute right? I told him that too, exuBPDw talks mostly about S9, he's autistic and he's validating for her, she'll talk about D11 sometimes and rarely does she talk about S5, she has a D2 with her boyfriend and D18 doesn't live with her, maybe he falls somewhere in the middle and it's the middle child syndrome?

Although, he is sensitive when you say things sharply to him, he gets defensive, I just get the feeling that because he has a strong personality, he's at that age where he's needier than the other two, maybe it rubs her the wrong way and she just can't comprehend that he's at that stage.

Sometimes I feel like he could be split black, but I can't tell for sure, we don't see each other long enough, I can't tell how she interacts around the kids other than what she talks about in emails, although she may have her mask on around the kids, I notice that sometimes but maybe how the kids react around her could be a tell. I guess what i'm trying to say is when we're all together as a family, it was quite obvious which family member was split black because those are the family members that she would menace. I'm not privileged to that anymore.

We've had other discussions about how others react and what I usually say is everyone's different, some people are just like that, her mom is not tghe subject but it's getting her prepared for later, that's the angle anyways. I'm not worried, it depends, I know my ex and the personality quirks are frequent enough that she'll keep picking this up, but the kids are going to notice sooner or later, it can't be avoided.

[MrRight]

I cant recall when but me and my son have a shared knowledge about this - giving each other knowing looks when my wife suddenly barks out "dont talk to me like that!", I apologise (for nothing) and she repeats with even more venom the same warning.
I have had to explain to him the reasons behind her bevhaviour and re-assure him that it is highly unlikely to happen to him - telling him what to look for in a new partner - the warning signs etc - where I went wrong.

[40days_in_desert]

My D15 (almost 16) started to notice on a large scale around three years ago. Before I was able to put all of the pieces together. Of course the FOG D15 was in wasn't as thick as mine. She never determined BPD for her mother but looking back, she picked out most of the characteristics (lying, projecting, impulsive and irresponsible behavior). Whenever she brought any of these up to her mother, her mother would tell her, "you only think those things because your father says bad things about me to you." This only drove them further apart since it wasn't true. D15 no longer approaches her mother regarding her BPD behaviors as she has learned that it never does any good and in some way isn't the right way to approach her mother. D15 lives with me full time and our youngest 4 children live with my ustbxBPD with me every other weekend and one night during the week. D15 and I have always been close and a card that she wrote for my birthday is validation that the hard work of teaching her has superseded the BPD traits of her mother.
":)ear dad - You have helped me reach higher which has given me some of life's best views. You have given me one of life's best gifts by always believing in me. You always know what to say at the right time and you give me different ways to look at any situation. Last but not least I will always look up to you no matter how tall I get."
I don't know for sure which of the younger four, if any, will choose to live with me as they reach the age to decide for themselves. I'm pretty sure that our D8 most likely will if things stay the way they are or get worse. Stay the course. It's a quadruple marathon and then some but the prize is surely worth the work.

[Mutt]

D15 and I have always been close and a card that she wrote for my birthday is validation that the hard work of teaching her has superseded the BPD traits of her mother.
":)ear dad - You have helped me reach higher which has given me some of life's best views. You have given me one of life's best gifts by always believing in me. You always know what to say at the right time and you give me different ways to look at any situation. Last but not least I will always look up to you no matter how tall I get."

I bet that your heart melted when D15 gave you that card. Thanks for sharing that.

[40days_in_desert]

You're welcome Mutt. There are also occasional comments that my D8 and D6 make that refer to some of the actions of their uBPD mom but of course do not have the concept of any condition she has. One time while having dinner with the kids at my parents, I told all of them that daddy had to run to the store real quick and that I would be back in 15 minutes. 15 minutes later, I was back. D6 says, "Wow daddy, you're fast! When mommy says she'll be right back she's gone like forever."