2 months NC today, FOG in full force

[Crushedbyac]

I am having a bad day today thinking of him and missing him and feeling awful for hurting him because I know he doesnt get it at all.  Im just another one on his list of awful people that he has paranoid delusions about.  He "knows why I did it... ." (left him), but he doesnt get it and (of course) I didnt do what he now believes (replace him, no).  It makes me sad and I feel terrible to know that someone I loved and gave my whole heart to can think these things of me after knowing and loving me for over almost 5 years.  I know its just the way it is with BPD, but it still hurts all the way down and I hate that I hurt him.

[roberto516]

The way I'm trying to look at it, whether right or wrong, is that I did show love, dedication, sacrifice and the desire to fight through all the hardships believing that she felt the same. The last message I ever sent her was in response to an apology she sent me. I told her I didn't accept that apology. I told her I was hurt, and she couldn't imagine what it feels like to know that the person you loved was only in it so long as it was "perfect".

Did that hurt her? You bet. I just reinforced her own self-defeating thoughts about not being loved, everyone hates her, she brings no value to life, etc. But you know what? I'll live with it.

We are allowed to protect ourselves, and feel hurt, and let people know how we felt and were affected by their behaviors. You don't have to rescue anymore.

I did. I always rescued her. 2 months of ignoring me, telling me to "get over it", etc etc. and the first time she begs for me to talk to her, and then asks me to come help her with her anxiety I do. So I'm in the same boat. But I won't do it again.

This is a terrible disorder. But it doesn't mean we have to excuse it since we know better about what's going on.

That might have been a ramble. But I'm having a bad morning as well. Don't beat yourself up. You are very strong for posting this here, and your insight is commendable.

Last thing, I would challenge you to think that if you loved someone so much, and gave your whole heart why aren't you allowed to move on when it was clear they never felt the same way?

[Emotions]

Have to stay focused... .I am learning that these last couple weeks or more as I have been emotionally at the lowest point of my life sometimes, I think Did my ex try to reach out and help me? Not once... .not only did she not consider my feelings or well being, she is enjoying her days. So remember the flip side, that you would be there for them if they asked you politely. No question, that is healthy... .the trauma bonds that these relationships build create dysfunction, and tension. Almost an obligation to help, not a choice. Thus we never really get satisfaction or functionality. Just think about if you needed his/ or her help, would they offer it to you day in and day out?

[Crushedbyac]

Last thing, I would challenge you to think that if you loved someone so much, and gave your whole heart why aren't you allowed to move on when it was clear they never felt the same way?

I know he loved me as much as he was capable, which, I know is very different from us, and it never justifies the (emotional) abuse.  He would profess endlessly how he loved me more than life itself, more than anyone he had ever known, that we were soulmates and would always be connected no matter what.  I know he fully believes this too.  To him, he couldnt have loved me better, "who is is going to worship you like i do?". 

And as with most of us, in the beginning, and when needed to pull us back, he did love me like that and it was wonderful.  But that is all he remembers.  Not the abuse because to him that never happened, just me over reacting to everything.  I think there is some kind of veil that keeps them from seeing or remembering the rages.  Metaphorically, it was like a full on fist-to-fist beat down on me but to him it was just a little shove on the shoulder, I know he truly believes this.  He knows he loved me so well and so much that I couldnt possibly have left him unless there was "some thing else going on" and there was definitely something wrong with me.  He just doesnt get it.  To him I just up and abandoned him.  I hurt him callously and deeply. And right or wrong, knowing thats how he sees it and that I hurt him is sometimes more painful a memory than the abuse.

[roberto516]

He knows he loved me so well and so much that I couldnt possibly have left him unless there was "some thing else going on" and there was definitely something wrong with me.  He just doesnt get it.  To him I just up and abandoned him.  I hurt him callously and deeply.

This is very odd to read. Because your ex sounds like me. She even told me she isn't well mentally, and can't be in a relationship right now. It was so hard to accept, and still is. I just wanted her to try for once to see if it really wouldn't have changed for her. I feel like she did abandon me. In a way she did. But in time I have to respect that she is an adult who can make her own decisions. And if she is truly trying to figure it all out and that means she is single, and working on herself well I have to accept that. Even if she finds a replacement next month or already had; it's still her choice. But that is on ME. It isn't her job to make me realize that. No matter how painful it is. I keep thinking of the minor things she would have had to do so she could have really found the love she always wanted. And a part of me feels pain that I just couldn't respect that she was telling me she sucks at relationships, doesn't know how to love someone, and needs to work on herself.

People struggling with this disorder obviously don't think like us. But maybe it's a projection of the internal anger, and hurt he feels at himself. Because this is what is going on in my case. It's my own projections.

So in your situation, based on my own experience, the responsibility is on him to accept that you aren't able to be with him. As painful as it is. Trust me; it's something I never want to accept. It's up to me to grow from it, and move on. I oddly know exactly what your BPD ex is going through. I hate typing this . Because it's something I don't want to admit. Hope this helps in some way.

[Crushedbyac]

Roberto, I know what you mean.  I read many posts about nons that have been discarded and I think, thats exactly how my ex feels, thats how he thinks I treated him, that he thinks I must have some disorder (definite projection), but at the same time it does make me start to wonder about myself too.  But I didnt just carelessly abandon him.  I endured and fought his abuse for nearly 5 years.  I cycled through "understanding", standing up for myself, not caring, and finally just giving up (which was akin to agreeing with all the bs and lies he spewed).  I tried to discuss it endlessly and sometimes I think I got thru only to come right back to the same thing and the pain all over again.  The full detachment (if you consider legally forced NC detachment) took over 4 months of push/pull, negotiation, and crying together, etc.  I tried and wanted more than anything to be able to remain friends that could still care for each other but also to have peace for us both since the fights had become our only communication.  It was so unhealthy and I was broken, he broke me (I allowed it for a long time) so that everything he said I assumed was a veiled accusation of some kind. But he would have none of it.  Friends was off the table for him, then it wasnt, then it was... .  The things he said to me and the emotional threats in the end were horrendous and I was left with no choice.  So I know that even though he believes I was callous and cruel and obviously never loved him, it couldnt have been further from the truth.  I tried so hard to not hurt him.

[roberto516]

But I didnt just carelessly abandon him.  I endured and fought his abuse for nearly 5 years.  I cycled through "understanding", standing up for myself, not caring, and finally just giving up (which was akin to agreeing with all the bs and lies he spewed).  I tried to discuss it endlessly and sometimes I think I got thru only to come right back to the same thing and the pain all over again.  I tried so hard to not hurt him.

And that's what matters. Knowing that you gave it your all. Like me. I played into her self-sabotage and gave up (just like you). Just remember that you did everything humanely possible to make it work, and continue to love him. Hold your head up high for that. It's an admirable quality. I will reiterate what my dad told me when I finally poured my heart out. He said "Roberto, I'd be concerned if you didn't try as hard as you did, and loved her like you did. It means you are a good person." The same can be said about you