Need encouragement and to vent

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ex is in a dysregulation episode and I admit that she got under my skin to where I started to feel tempted to engage in her crazy-making circular argument just now. She started by asking for my job title which is the same one that I've had for over a year and that she has on the email signature of several emails that I've sent (I have the same signature on my personal email just in case I accidentally use my personal email to a customer from my phone). But that's not the point. I asked her why she was asking for it and she replies with:

stbxBPDw:"What difference does it make? Why would you be hesitant in telling me your job title?"

me: "Why would you be hesitant to tell me why you want it?"

stbxBPDw: "I'm not playing merry go round with you. I don't know what you think I'd do with knowing but it obviously reeks of fear. I should know and would like to. That's it."

There was more that included that I was hiding things from her and withholding information. I didn't dare respond to that invitation down the rabbit hole.

Maybe I'm being too hard but I've set a boundary that if she wants information that pertains to "us" then I'll send it. If not, I will send if there is a valid reason to. A real valid reason. It's not that I can think of any harm in her having it (she already does and my title hasn't changed in the last 18 months) but I won't simply comply with her demands just because she demands. She doesn't know that I feel strongly about her having BPD and I don't intend on telling her or her family. The BPD conclusion is for me to make some sense of the last 18 years and how to best handle future encounters with her. I will confess that there was an urge to tell her and an urge to engage in her game but I just put my phone down and walked away... .

[40days_in_desert]

Ex is in a dysregulation episode and I admit that she got under my skin to where I started to feel tempted to engage in her crazy-making circular argument just now. She started by asking for my job title which is the same one that I've had for over a year and that she has on the email signature of several emails that I've sent (I have the same signature on my personal email just in case I accidentally use my personal email to a customer from my phone). But that's not the point. I asked her why she was asking for it and she replies with:

stbxBPDw:"What difference does it make? Why would you be hesitant in telling me your job title?"

me: "Why would you be hesitant to tell me why you want it?"

stbxBPDw: "I'm not playing merry go round with you. I don't know what you think I'd do with knowing but it obviously reeks of fear. I should know and would like to. That's it."

There was more that included that I was hiding things from her and withholding information. I didn't dare respond to that invitation down the rabbit hole.

Maybe I'm being too hard but I've set a boundary that if she wants information that pertains to "us" then I'll send it. If not, I will send if there is a valid reason to. A real valid reason. It's not that I can think of any harm in her having it (she already does and my title hasn't changed in the last 18 months) but I won't simply comply with her demands just because she demands. She doesn't know that I feel strongly about her having BPD and I don't intend on telling her or her family. The BPD conclusion is for me to make some sense of the last 18 years and how to best handle future encounters with her. I will confess that there was an urge to tell her and an urge to engage in her game but I just put my phone down and walked away... .

[Emotions]

Encouragement... .good job for standing your ground! Seems like she was trying to gaslight maybe? If your title was something that she knows you feel insecure about than yes it wasn't worth giving in to her... .otherwise it seems like you could have told her and moved on ambiguously... .either way I know the tone mine used to use made me feel small sometimes just to give her whatever she was looking for at my expense... .so I thank you for standing your ground for all the times I didn't have the energy to do so myself... .kudos for that.

[40days_in_desert]

Thanks Emotions. I needed that. My title is a director level but she has it if she looks at the last email that I sent to her. In all of the texts she sent tonight, there was gaslightig, FOG and shaming. All attempts but I did feel a temptation to engage but I know that she is a Jedi master level at the game. My Jedi status is in knowing not to engage. But I came close tonight.

Thanks again! This site is full of awesome people!

[Mutt]

Hi 40days_in_desert,


A couple of things popped out for me, tone of voice and text messaging. You can take my advice or maybe it will help with someone else, I found that it was hard to talk on the phone with my while listening to her tone of voice when I was grieving the loss of the r/s.

A boundary for me, even up to this day is to only call if it's an emergency, we communicate by email, so it slows the pace of our conversation down, I think before I respond, sometimes i'll wait for a day or two to respond. Especially those times that she's dysregulated because she can be condescending, baiting etc and it's not very constructive.

Plus, it keeps a paper trail of everything that is said, just in case that I need in family court in the future. It won't come down to a case of he said she said, it's all there in black and white. Good for your for sticking up for yourself, not JADE'ing too much and turning to the boards to vent instead of taking the baitb

[40days_in_desert]

I agree and thank you Mutt. There was some weakness that I experienced last night but at least I can take it as a learning experience. Ex and I rarely talk on the phone and that is actually her preference and I am happy to oblige. We email too and I archive every one. I have taken a screenshot and save every text exchange as well since right before we separated almost two years ago. Thank you for the advice and encouragement!