Hello,
Well, my ex husband left last October. He abandoned my son as well as me. He's our son biologically but in every other way he's mine just to clarify.
At the beginning I was back and forth on these boards for so many reasons. I've had time to think clearly, evaluate, assess and heal from so much. I know the reasons I held on were because I equated a divorce to a failure on my part, I intended to marry once for life and work things out as they come, I didn't want my son to be abandoned by his dad like I was, (My dad was there at times in presence only), I was afraid to be a single mother and a divorcee, I was worried about how to approach the issues with my faith and I simply didn't want my life to go in this direction.
I truly loved him and put everything into making it work. It took me all these years to realize he was only 'In lust' with me. He has since found a girl, and I mean that literally, most likely she's 18. He plans to move to the other side of the country to be with her in six months or so and wants to get the divorce over with as quick as possible. He' married' her on May 29th this year and professed his love to her through facebook. I happened to randomly check it and saw that. The rest of his stuff is private so I thought it odd I could read that.
It didn't really hurt so much as it felt like the pang of finality to what once was 'us'. I've known it for years but for all those reasons I couldn't let myself accept it. I'm actually looking forward to the divorce now so I can finally cut all ties to him besides my son. That is another issue, but he wants to give up his rights to him.
Turkish recently said that my son and I are now our own constellation and that's how I feel. It actually feels good. No more constant anger, screaming and yelling or ignoring, blaming and accusing, using, demeaning or disrespectful attitude. It's so much better now.
My son has improved so much. In attitude, speech, self care, understanding and so much more.
I've lost over 60lbs, (still have a bit to go but almost there!)my mind is clear, I've let go of him and the future I wanted, I've been able to be happy again, got both of us back on track with doctors and things I had been neglecting, I've started writing again and don't completely hate what I've written, I've learned to not internalize the negative people say of/about/to me, (still a work in progress) I'm WAY more of the mom I intended to be and have been able to start really being me again on a daily basis, (he made fun or put down everything he previously loved about me) and even though it's not the future I wanted, I'm able to envision one that doesn't include my ex and I have to say, it's much nicer than the one that would've included him.
I've come a long way in 8 months and I know there's still a ways to go, but when I thought I hadn't gotten very far I took an honest look back. Seriously, just eight months back is like night and day to right now. I've appreciated the honest and helpful replies of the members of this site in helping to facilitate some of this growth. I've tried to run from here numerous times for as many reasons but it is a place I feel I can share with others that have been in or are in situations like mine.
My family all say that my son and I deserve someone better, even my ex has said so as part of his reasons for leaving. While I have definitely had bouts of loneliness and would love to share the ups and downs of life with someone, I'm not sure if it will happen. I've always been the more friend material type of girl and at this point we're still married so I wouldn't consider it. That's a whole new chapter I don't know if I'll ever be ready for. Being a single mother isn't something I ever considered even though it's now my reality.
Right now, I'm focusing on getting my son and myself as healthy as possible. I guess this is an update of sorts. Thank you to all who have read it.
Purekalm
