Created a drama to ruin my day

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ah, Blame Shifting.  My old friend.  No small coincidence in my mind that it abbreviates down to B.S.

It's really good that you are recognizing what he is doing.  That is a step in the right direction.  I've started trying to let that sick feeling I get when talking to BPDh be a reminder to mentally run through a list of verbal/emotional abuse techniques and (shockingly) I usually land on one that is being used on me that is inspiring that sick feeling. 

Another thing that I do that you may want to consider as your "next step" is to identify whether an actual apology was made.

I'm sorry I {clear and detailed recap of hurtful behavior}.  I know it made you feel {description of the impact behavior had on you that demonstrates understanding}.  That was unacceptable.  I did it because {identification of what APOLOGIZER was thinking/feeling without assigning blame to you}.  In the future, when I feel that way I will {description of healthy way to deal with "trigger" in the future}.  I understand that forgiving me doesn't remove consequences or rebuild trust, but I hope you will give me a chance to regain your trust.

I am at the point where any apology that doesn't include all those elements... .Is not an apology.  At this point NONE of it can be implied (I think in "normal" relationships some of it can be).  I am also at a point where none of it can be prompted by me.  I've handed BPDh the "right words" to say to me too many times, accepted them on face value, and then been shocked when the next time a trigger happens he does the same abusive things he was supposedly "sorry" for and would never do again. 

Forgiveness is something that is granted, not demanded.  My T keeps telling me that FULL forgiveness (the kind required for reconciliation) requires repentance on the part of the offender.  I can extend the kind of forgiveness that releases ME from the anger and hurt of the offense, but without genuine repentance the offender doesn't experience forgiveness as it's meant to be given.  They are experiencing remorse - which only gets you to "I want the consequences of my actions to be removed".

I'm really glad to hear that you took some time for yourself.  If the words that were thrown at you had been punches, you probably would have been hospitalized for an extended period of time to heal.  It would take weeks for the bruises to fade and for you to stop being hurt by anything but the gentlest touch.  It helps me to think of my emotional wounds as being physical wounds that just don't show.  I went through 2 hours of conversation with BPDh yesterday that I would describe more as a slicing than a beating and I'm feeling the effects of "blood loss" today.  You are still likely very "swollen" still.  It doesn't even take pressure on the bruises to hurt, just moving is enough to set off the pain.  Your body's energy is probably still largely focused on trying to heal the wounds, so you probably feel drained.  Honor those feelings.  You can't expect pwBPD to honor them, but I hope that there is someone in your life (besides those of us on this site) that can honor the strength it takes to survive that kind of beating and offer the care that you need.
           

BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

Ah, Blame Shifting.  My old friend.  No small coincidence in my mind that it abbreviates down to B.S.

It's really good that you are recognizing what he is doing.  That is a step in the right direction.  I've started trying to let that sick feeling I get when talking to BPDh be a reminder to mentally run through a list of verbal/emotional abuse techniques and (shockingly) I usually land on one that is being used on me that is inspiring that sick feeling. 

Another thing that I do that you may want to consider as your "next step" is to identify whether an actual apology was made.

I'm sorry I {clear and detailed recap of hurtful behavior}.  I know it made you feel {description of the impact behavior had on you that demonstrates understanding}.  That was unacceptable.  I did it because {identification of what APOLOGIZER was thinking/feeling without assigning blame to you}.  In the future, when I feel that way I will {description of healthy way to deal with "trigger" in the future}.  I understand that forgiving me doesn't remove consequences or rebuild trust, but I hope you will give me a chance to regain your trust.

I am at the point where any apology that doesn't include all those elements... .Is not an apology.  At this point NONE of it can be implied (I think in "normal" relationships some of it can be).  I am also at a point where none of it can be prompted by me.  I've handed BPDh the "right words" to say to me too many times, accepted them on face value, and then been shocked when the next time a trigger happens he does the same abusive things he was supposedly "sorry" for and would never do again. 

Forgiveness is something that is granted, not demanded.  My T keeps telling me that FULL forgiveness (the kind required for reconciliation) requires repentance on the part of the offender.  I can extend the kind of forgiveness that releases ME from the anger and hurt of the offense, but without genuine repentance the offender doesn't experience forgiveness as it's meant to be given.  They are experiencing remorse - which only gets you to "I want the consequences of my actions to be removed".

I'm really glad to hear that you took some time for yourself.  If the words that were thrown at you had been punches, you probably would have been hospitalized for an extended period of time to heal.  It would take weeks for the bruises to fade and for you to stop being hurt by anything but the gentlest touch.  It helps me to think of my emotional wounds as being physical wounds that just don't show.  I went through 2 hours of conversation with BPDh yesterday that I would describe more as a slicing than a beating and I'm feeling the effects of "blood loss" today.  You are still likely very "swollen" still.  It doesn't even take pressure on the bruises to hurt, just moving is enough to set off the pain.  Your body's energy is probably still largely focused on trying to heal the wounds, so you probably feel drained.  Honor those feelings.  You can't expect pwBPD to honor them, but I hope that there is someone in your life (besides those of us on this site) that can honor the strength it takes to survive that kind of beating and offer the care that you need.
           

BeagleGirl

[Grey Kitty]

  Hiya, what's up? It has been a week since the latest incident... .

Did things get "good" again?

Have he stayed away, hiding, depressed, and burning up your phone?

More importantly, how are you feeling today?

[coworkerfriend]

Hi GK - thanks for reaching out.  Things have been good - I hesitate to say it but things have been normal. 

I have been focusing on work and on the kids lately.   We have talked quite a bit about what had happened and I made it as clear as I could that I will not allow myself to be in that position ever again.  I listened as he explained he "needed" to get those things out of his head so he could process them. He said he took a calculated risk lashing out like that - knowing there was a chance that I would end it with him.  I said that I know I will be the one to end things.  It is too unhealthy for both of us.   I think I understand enough about the illness and his dysregulation process that some of his explanation makes logical sense to me but the unfortunate part is that some of his words are still very big in my head.  He told his son that I have been giving him some tough love and that it is what he needed to keep his head straight.  The past two weeks has been the longest period this year without him having any sort of outburst at all. 

I am trying to take this time to sort myself and my feelings out.  I keep telling myself that this period will end like all the other times.  I know it never lasts.  He says he is going to talk to his doctor about how to even himself out more and not lose control like he did.  I really don't know how I feel about everything.

[coworkerfriend]

I should clarify my last post.  Things are getting clearer to me about what I want in my life.  I want to be peaceful, appreciate all the good things in my life and I want to be happy - content.  I want to have firmer boundaries.  I want to accept the good and the bad.  I don't want my moods to be dependent on how my pwBPD feels.  I want to know that no matter what happens with him, I will be ok. 

[formflier]

I have been giving him some tough love and that it is what he needed to keep his head straight.  The past two weeks has been the longest period this year without him having any sort of outburst at all. 

 

The bolded parts are connected.  Trust me.  You do have more control here than you think.

Still... .it is true that "it will never last".  It will get better, but stuff will still come up.  There will be regressions.

Only you can figure out if that is enough for you. 

FF

[coworkerfriend]

FF - I have been told by my therapist that I have the power.  My pwBPD tells me that I hold the power in our relationship.  I don't know why I don't feel like I do or why I haven't really established firm boundaries with that in mind.

I stopped over at his house this am - we talked about our plans for the day and within 15 minutes, he went to bed.  He said his head isn't together today and he wants to be alone.  I decided to leave.  I don't want to have a bad day.  This situation is what I need to be accepting of - to not let his moods sway my day or my plans or my moods.  We had planned to do yard work together - to go to some greenhouses and look at plants.  He seemed totally fine when I got there.  I have to stop trying to understand I guess. 

[Grey Kitty]

FF - I have been told by my therapist that I have the power.  My pwBPD tells me that I hold the power in our relationship.  I don't know why I don't feel like I do or why I haven't really established firm boundaries with that in mind.

When it comes to power in a relationship, you DO have a great deal of power... .you both do... .but both of you are enmeshed and confused and do not realize the limits of your own power.

For one thing, it only takes ONE person to end a relationship, no matter what the other thinks. Either of you has that power. In his case, he has a history of using that power to say that it is over (or that it should be/etc.) in a dysregulated episode, and will change his mind after. You haven't chosen to use this power... .and probably won't soon.

I stopped over at his house this am - we talked about our plans for the day and within 15 minutes, he went to bed.  He said his head isn't together today and he wants to be alone.  I decided to leave.  I don't want to have a bad day.  This situation is what I need to be accepting of - to not let his moods sway my day or my plans or my moods.

 

   This is where using the power you have works for you. Also knowing the limits to it.

You have no power over his moods or feelings. Heck, he doesn't have power over them either.

You completely have the power to remove yourself from the ones that are really unpleasant to be around (except when trapped in a car with him)!

Q: A few years ago, what would you have done when he suddenly went to bed and was rejecting you and blowing off the plans for the day he had made, pretending that neither the rejection or the changed plans existed?

Would you have tried to get him out of bed, and ended up with a bigger dysregulation?

[coworkerfriend]

Gosh a few years ago - actually more like a few months ago - I would try to "help" him when he went to bed.  I would offer food - talk to him - try to get him out of bed.   I won't do that anymore.  He knows it.  It makes him mad but I have made it clear that I will not participate when he gets in a bad place in his head.  I am just so tired of it.

He has been in a bad mood for the past two days - he has cancelled our plans for the day and is spending the day in bed.  I bought all kinds of food - made plans with the kids to grill.  I don't know what else to do but just go about my day without him.  I got so mad at him this am.  I actually got really mad at him yesterday too.  He was doing yardwork and refused to eat all day.  He blamed me for not eating even when there was food there and offered to him.  I worked all day yesterday - it wasn't like I was at the mall or just blowing him off.  But he felt that since I didn't stop by to check on him, that I didn't care.   Ugh, it is exhausting to even think about it.  He started in on me that he needs to rethink his life - look at his other options.  Yet again, the threat of ending it with me.  We had two nice weeks - I guess he was due for this.  He can't keep his head together for longer than two weeks. 

[Grey Kitty]

I just want to point out that letting him go to bed when he's depressed/angry/dysregulated/whatever and doing anything you can think of that doesn't involve him at all is working out so much better than any efforts to "help" him.

I think you can safely say that his method of coping by sleeping all the time, not eating, and blaming you for it isn't healthy... .and if you are begging him to eat, get up, do something, whatever... .you are participating in that game. And neither of you wins that game, but you lose badly!

If he's telling you that not doing that means you don't care about him, time to remove yourself from that too--it is verbal abuse and manipulation... .In other words he's saying: "If you cared about me, you would let me verbally and emotionally abuse you and reject you"

That doesn't merit a response, and it doesn't merit your company.

When he can't get himself out of bed, the most you owe him is asking the police to do a wellness check on him. If it isn't that bad, he can sort it out on his own.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you GK - you are absolutely right that neither of us win when I participate in the game.  Its so unhealthy for both of us to stay stuck in the cycle.  I am tired of the constant blame that I did something to disappoint him if things don't go exactly as he had hoped. 

Your response came exactly when I needed it - he texted at 5pm asking what time we were planning on dinner.  I knew that was his way of letting me know he moved past whatever was going on in his head.  I went over to talk to him.  He told me that the "one" thing holding us back in our relationship is that I leave him every time he needs me the most.  He said it shows him that I don't care about him.  I said that I am sorry he feels that way.  I said that I do care about him and that is why I give him the space he needs when he tells me he needs to be alone.  The conversation could have turned bad very quickly but it didn't. I listened to how he felt - I bit my tongue a few times and then I started to get dinner ready.  We had a really nice night.  We had the kids and some of their friends over - we had an opportunity to just enjoy the evening. 

One of the other changes I have made is that anytime he wants to drive someplace together, I drive.   We have done a few errands together and it seems to work out so much better for me. 

[formflier]

  I said that I do care about him and that is why I give him the space he needs when he tells me he needs to be alone.  

Be very careful... .this was likely invalidating to him... very bad.

There seems to be an effort to "prove" his feelings wrong... .or "explain" yourself.

Let him think your hair is orange and you did it for the sole reason of p$ssing him off... .

Sometimes when you hear stuff like this... ."translate it" into something more ridiculous... and it is easier to let go.

"Oh... I see... .he thinks I have three eyes... .how nice... ."  said to yourself mentally (internally) will help.

FF

[coworkerfriend]

What should i have said - how should I respond when he says that it is obvious I don't care when his head is in a bad place and he needs me the most during those times?   It's not that I want to prove him wrong but I do tend to feel the need to explain myself.  He says that I don't share enough of my feelings.  But my feelings aren't always in line with his feelings.

If I don't respond at all, that seems invalidating. 

[formflier]

  but I do tend to feel the need to explain myself.  

If I don't respond at all, that seems invalidating. 

Focus on this feeling.  Perhaps... .perhaps... .explain it once when you are both at your best... .

They will claim they didn't hear to try and get you to engage more... they hear you... .

Suggested responses... .this assumes he is not being abusive and you can stay engaged.

"You sound anxious about being left alone, do I have that right?"

Stay away from talking about "your actions"... .focus on "his feelings".  Listen.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Read some of the improving board stuff on validation and invalidation.  There are several entries there.

Thoughts?

FF