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Author Topic: Created a drama to ruin my day  (Read 1030 times)
coworkerfriend
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« on: June 07, 2017, 10:47:27 AM »

I guess at this point in time, I shouldn't even be surprised that this happened and if I am honest with myself, I expected it.  We had been having a good week until yesterday.  He woke up feeling unsettled - he described to me how anxious and off he was feeling.  I listened to him and then I decided to just focus on work and hoped he would work through his feelings.  He asked me to call a client and discuss an issue that was bothering him.  I know - it should have been a total red flag to me - but I made the call and of course, it didn't turn out as he had hoped.  It triggered him - but instead of getting angry, he got depressed and decided to go home.  He asked me to come over later for dinner with him.  It is so predictable with him -within an hour,  he called to tell me not to come over.  Within a few hours, he was upset that "work is more important" and I didn't rush to his house.

By 8pm, it was over - he can't keep going through this with me - by 9pm, he called me selfish and cold for not showing any emotion or trying to help him get through his pain.  By 9:15, I turned my phone off - I knew where the calls were headed.  This morning's phone call was to let me know that he is depressed and will not be coming to work for the rest of the week.  That he needs time and space to figure out his life.  The sad part for me is that it is my birthday.  He is refusing to see me - told me he had great plans for us but his heart isn't into it and he can't see me.  It really feels like he created yesterday's drama to have an excuse not to see me today.  Maybe I shouldn't make this about me - I should see it for what it is - another one of his weekly dramas to end our relationship. 

I am feeling melancholy and sad - although another part of me feels like I should just accept it.  This is who he is.  I tell him I understand and I think I do but I guess it comes down to me wondering if this is working for me.  Maybe I am too understanding - too accepting of his behavior.  I need to make changes and I don't know where to start.  I get overwhelmed when I think about it - I am unable to break it down to manageable parts I guess. Thanks for listening and giving me a place to go with my feelings.  I get stuck in my head and I don't know how to break free.
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2017, 11:21:10 AM »

First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I'm a big believer in celebrating your birthday.  It really sucks when the rest of the world (and especially the ones who are closest to us) don't make that easier.

The good news is... .It's still your birthday and you can still make it special.  Obviously, you want to spend it with him and/or have someone show you how special they think you are by planning great things to do.  It took me A LOT of years to let go of that. 

First recommendation - give yourself the birthday gift of not letting his behavior ruin your birthday. 
Second recommendation - plan an awesome birthday celebration for yourself the way you would do it if you found out that someone special to you had a birthday today.  Things will be short notice, but even little things can be special when done with love and thoughtfulness.  If your plans involve other people, you may want to schedule a belated celebration for this weekend, but still do something special today to mark the actual anniversary of your birth.

AFTER you have figured out how to celebrate your birthday, give some thought to your relationship.  I'd give you my thoughts now, but I think that might interfere with the party planning, so I'll hold off until you get done with that. 

BG
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DaddyBear77
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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2017, 11:35:12 AM »

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COWORKERFRIEND!

How's the party planning going?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Seriously, why are you reading this? Go! Plan your celebration!
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2017, 04:32:31 PM »

Thanks BG & DB - I want to make plans and enjoy my day.  I want to have a nice day.

He just called and completely ended it - he is upset that I don't love him and didn't check or support him while he is home and hurting.  That if we loved each other - we would take care of each other in times of need. I am trying to calm down - I am so hurt and upset.  What is wrong with me - why do I panic when he ends it?  He ends it constantly.  He rejects me on a weekly basis.  What is wrong with me?  I can't shake this horrible feeling.  He yells at me to leave him alone and is disappointed when I do that.  He pushes me away so hard when his head is in a bad way.  I stay away to protect myself from his anger. 

I have to seriously make changes in my life.  I am just so sad right now.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2017, 05:30:57 PM »

He woke up feeling unsettled... .It is so predictable... .By 9:15, I turned my phone off - I knew where the calls were headed.

Yup, it sounds like the same old pattern. Did you manage to stay away / shut your phone off more quickly and cleanly than you did other times?


Excerpt
It really feels like he created yesterday's drama to have an excuse not to see me today.
A big day like a birthday is a stressful, high stakes thing--it *shouldn't* be that difficult, but the pressure does seem to bring out the worst in many of our pwBPD... .so I am inclined to agree that his blowup was related to your birthday. He probably isn't aware of it, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Excerpt
I tell him I understand and I think I do but I guess it comes down to me wondering if this is working for me.

Uhm, I think you know it isn't working for you.

And I think you are lost and/or paralyzed when you try to figure out anything you can do differently, even though it really isn't working for you.

Am I right?



Last and most important... .HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Celebrate you!
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2017, 06:06:00 PM »

I have to seriously make changes in my life.  I am just so sad right now.

The sadness is totally understandable.  So is anger and despondency and all sorts of other emotions.  Breaking up is hard to do, even when it is the right thing to do.  Imagine purchasing a house.  It's your dream house, or so you think.  Over the next months/years in you find out about the termites, black mold, leaky pipes, broken water heater, etc.  As you discover each thing, you invest in repairing each thing.  Then you find out about a giant sink hole that makes the foundation shaky and mysteriously is the cause of all the other problems you have been repairing.  It means that unless the sink hole is addressed you will keep getting termites, black mold, leaky pipes, etc... .  You may even reach the point of saying "Even with all I've invested in this house, I think I may be ready to walk away". 

Now imagine that before you have decided to walk away, someone torches the house.  First reactions?  Sadness, fear, anger, etc.  All the things you are feeling.

So it's okay to feel these things.  Even on your birthday.

So now it is time to make some changes, even if those changes mean deciding how to deal with the sinkhole and rebuild on the same land (though I don't think that would be my first choice).  You probably don't want to start tackling those changes this exact moment, because you want to make those changes with a clearer head than you probably have right now.  But during and after this time of hurt you can start dreaming and planning again.  Take your time.  We'll be here.
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« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2017, 06:30:38 PM »

BG - I so admire your ability to succinctly sum up pretty much any situation. Your analogy is perfection!

Happy Birthday coworkerfriend!

I know what it's like to have special events completely sabotaged and destroyed. My birthday was the first such catastrophe, followed by Christmas, Valentine's Day, a 5 day trip, and Mother's Day. Each of these involved one or more terrifying circular arguments that ended plans and left me feeling destroyed.

Our relationship has ended, but I did find myself working during our relationship on coming to terms with the fact that I could not rely in him to be able to join with me in celebration on special days. And now that it's over, this is one of the things that I'm grateful that I no longer have to deal with.

  Enjoy your day! I'm sorry he has made it so difficult.

Lala
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Sammy2017
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« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2017, 12:12:29 PM »

Happy B Day!
 
Sorry you had to deal with a crisis on your special day. My partner also created a "crisis" on my last two B-days... .and Mother's Day, Christmas, New Year, my daughter's Prom night, graduation Day,etc... .I have noticed that any special day will trigger some sort of conflict. I have been in this relationship for 2 1/2 yrs and I have just realized my partner indeed has BPD as diagnosed recently by Psychologist we both go to. I have learned to not count on him for celebrating any special event although it does make me a bit sad.
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« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2017, 04:24:43 PM »

I tried very hard to have a nice quiet birthday.  I made plans with my kids for dinner.  I turned off my phone.  When I turned it back on, he had called 63 times and had texted on and off. He was angry and threatened to call his exwife to sleepover.   He took all my personal belongings that I left at his house and put them on my desk.  When I got to work, I was so hurt to see my stuff laying there.

 The next morning, he called another 17-20 times.  I tried to work and by lunch time, he came to the office.  He was depressed and angry.  I really had nothing to say to him.  He asked me to come over for dinner - I said that didn't seem like a good idea.  He left mad and said I needed to figure out how to buy him out.  He came back to the office later and apologized - said that he can't live like this, he is going to find a new therapist, he is going to try to find some medication to even out his anger.  He felt horrible for ruining my birthday but he felt he couldn't "fake" it and do anything for me. He said he feels so connected to me that he had to be himself and it wouldn't be fair to me for him to fake his feelings.   I really had nothing to say to him.  Of course, he then had to explain how he was trying to make a point that too many areas of our life are unresolved and that we shouldn't need a birthday to celebrate.  That it is just one day in a year.    We should be celebrating and enjoying each day together.  I really didn't know how to answer him or even talk to him but that didn't matter anyway.  He wanted to say what he needed to say.  The next morning, he showed up with flowers and told me this is all about how much he loves me and wants a life with me - that he needs to make a point so I understand that. He was so sweet and nice and apologetic all day and like I always do, I cave in and accept his apology.  Which lead to 4 really good days. 

Like clockwork, today he woke up in a bad way.  He recognized he felt on the edge and said he was going to do what he could to try and prevent getting worse.  Of course, he couldn't stop himself.  As the day went on, he kept getting worse and worse and by 4pm, he completely dysregulated and left.  I got the call to not come to his house for dinner - to stay away from him. 

I am sitting here so mad at myself for participating in the cycle - for always accepting his apology and accepting that he ruined my birthday - like he ruined Easter, Valentines Day, Christmas - the list is endless.  If I don't stop over, then he says I don't care.  If I stop over, it gives him an opportunity to get mad at me.   I am so mad at myself.  What is wrong with me?  He hasn't worked in months - he barely pays attention to any emails or clients who contact him.  I constantly put his needs and feelings first - always trying to help him feel better - stay in a good place.  He says I am the only one who supports him and understands him and then I am the one who causes all his pain. 

Ugh, I am sorry to anyone reading this.  I say the same things every time. I live the same cycle every week.  I feel like I don't know what to do.  I know I need to make changes but it seems insurmountable - I don't know where to start.  Like BG said, its a sinkhole and I keep trying to rebuild on it every week.

GK - you exactly described how I feel - lost and paralyzed when I try to think of what to do differently.  Recently during one of his bad episodes, he was furious - ending things, demanding I buy him out - that we tell our kids its over and I tried to say that its ok if we end it.  But I don't want it to be hurtful and ugly and angry.  That we love each other and ultimately want the best for each other.  We don't have to hurt each other to end our work or our personal relationship.  I said we started as friends and can remain friends. He didn't want to hear that.  He doesn't hear me when I talk and he is in a bad way.  It boils down to the fact that he doesn't want it to end.  But he doesn't want to continue either. 

I welcome any and all thoughts and advise and I truly appreciate the support.
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flourdust
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« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2017, 05:08:45 PM »

Round and round it goes. The dates on the calendar fly by, but nothing else changes.

Since he's not going to change, you have to make the changes.

Either you figure out how to pay him a nice salary for doing nothing but dragging your business down AND figure out how to have a relationship with him only when he feels like it while simultaneously not letting constant verbal and emotional abuse bother you... .

OR you end the personal relationship and buy him out of the business or close the business.

OR you continue to do nothing and let it all crash and burn in its own sweet time.

But you know all this, right? None of this is new. It sounds like you're choosing option 3. Do you want to choose options 1 or 2?
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flourdust
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« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2017, 05:11:04 PM »

One more thing. This was your first post:
Excerpt
I am pretty sure my partner at work suffers from BPD. I have known him casually for years and we started a new business together 3 years ago.  I have noticed over the past year that at least once a month, something sets him off.  I can see and feel the rage coming - something goes wrong - someone disappoints him and he spirals into a rage.  Lashes out at me, saying he is going to leave, quit, and I will be left to take care of everything.  He says horrible and demeaning things to me.  After it passes, he is sorry and apologetic.  He says that he is thankful I understand him.

I don't know where to turn or who to talk to.  I have a family to support and employees who need their jobs.  I "know" I need to take care of myself but I feel so broken and tired.

September 25, 2012.

What's changed?
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2017, 05:22:56 PM »

Wow... .nothing has changed.  That's so depressing.

I don't want things to crash and burn.  I don't want to close the business.  I can't afford to buy him out.  His words and actions do affect me even though I try hard to just do my thing when he is in a bad way.  I have made improvements to not be around him when he needs to lash out.  But how sad that after all this time, I am still putting up with this.
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« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2017, 05:53:28 PM »

Like clockwork, today he woke up in a bad way.  He recognized he felt on the edge and said he was going to do what he could to try and prevent getting worse.  Of course, he couldn't stop himself.  As the day went on, he kept getting worse and worse and by 4pm, he completely dysregulated and left.  I got the call to not come to his house for dinner - to stay away from him. 

This resonates with me. Sometimes you can just tell it's coming. But, you are powerless to prevent it. Like watching a train wreck in slow motion. As you describe it, it almost seems chemical.
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« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2017, 06:31:53 PM »

I don't want things to crash and burn.  I don't want to close the business.  I can't afford to buy him out.

There is a third path with the business... .

It almost feels evil to take advantage of his mental illness this way... .but so much of it works against you, why not use some in your favor as well.

Don't close the business.

Don't buy him out.

Just start ignoring him more at work, and enforcing boundaries to protect clients and employees more from him. Tell him in no uncertain terms to go home when he's making things worse at work.

Anyhow... .yes, he'll blow up and demand that you buy him out... .but remember how his moods work. He can't even talk to you when he's angry like that. He would have to talk to negotiate a buyout. And before that happens, he'll be in a different mood.

(And as I've suggested before, you can cut the personal time with him outside work way down, and maintain the work relationship.)
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2017, 06:59:30 PM »

I have been sort of doing that recently - handling more of the client work, all the management of the business.  I encourage him to stay home when he "needs" to - that I have things covered here. 

I can't help getting so angry and resentful - each time it happens, it piles on more for me.  I don't know how to let it go.  How to accept him and that this is the way it is.

I am not stopping by tonight.  I have to turn off my phone.  I don't want to deal with it. 

As I was typing this, the calls started.  I answered and I ended the call as quickly as I could.  He started about how I remind him of everything wrong in his life, how he won't eat - he has no food.   I am sure I invalidated him when I reminded him what he could eat since he almost immediately hung up on me.  What is wrong with me?  I was hoping he was calling to apologize. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #15 on: June 14, 2017, 08:54:05 AM »

As I was typing this, the calls started.  I answered and I ended the call as quickly as I could.  He started about how I remind him of everything wrong in his life, how he won't eat - he has no food.   I am sure I invalidated him when I reminded him what he could eat since he almost immediately hung up on me.

You said it "the callS started". Yes, what you said was invalidating. But you know him, and you know this drill. He's going to call you and verbally abuse you until one of you hangs up. Then he's going to keep calling and messaging for an hour or more.

You know that there is NOTHING you can do to make any outcome better than you not taking his calls for a while.

I suppose instead of saying something invalidating, true, and mildly controlling, it would have been better to just hang up when he launched into you.

But the only measurable difference is the extra minute on the phone!

Excerpt
What is wrong with me?  I was hoping he was calling to apologize.


Why do you hope that? I mean, even when he does apologize, he isn't able to stop himself from doing it again next time. You've been posting about this cycle for almost five years now, each time thinking that the part pushing you away is devastating in a new way, or that the hope he will do better when he recovers and feels remorse will amount to happily ever after.
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« Reply #16 on: June 14, 2017, 11:00:24 AM »

I don't want things to crash and burn.  I don't want to close the business.  I can't afford to buy him out.  His words and actions do affect me even though I try hard to just do my thing when he is in a bad way.  I have made improvements to not be around him when he needs to lash out.  But how sad that after all this time, I am still putting up with this.

I laid out three choices (Grey Kitty suggested a fourth). You've just told us that you don't want or can't do any of them.

I don't think that matters.

If you are driving a car at high speed, and it goes into a skid, you might be able to pull out of the skid with minimal damage, you might be able to crash and survive, you might crash and die. You don't want any of those things to happen. You want to be back on the highway cruising along without skidding.

But one of those things is still going to happen. If you decide to deny you are skidding, you'll just crash and probably die. Putting off the choice won't save you.
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« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2017, 01:16:18 AM »

Flourdust just laid down some tough love my friend. A month ago I might have thought him too harsh, but the truth is that I put off making necessary changes in my relationship  and my car DID go off the cliff.

So much of what the tools are meant to do is to help us take some power back. Not that we EVER have power over our partner' actions, but we are able to control what we are willing to tolerate, and we get to decide when what we are doing is not working. It sounds he's like you have been stuck in a pattern of behavior that has you both trapped in your expected "roles" without making any progress. That means that by not making changes the best you can hope for is that the status quo maintains. That's the BEST you can hope for.

I wish I had the answer. If I did my knight in shining armour and I would be dancing off into the sunset hand in hand. Clearly that is not the case. But I can say that I am immensely relieved that even though my relationship ended and there  has been so much pain associated with that, there is also tremendous  relief that comes from being constantly disappointed and uncertain as to how to proceed.

I know the logistics are so much harder considering your business entanglements. Maybe hire an attorney to discuss all of the options so that you have an understanding of your choices moving forward and can plan accurdubfjy.

    
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« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2017, 10:19:31 AM »


You can buy him out, you just can't "cash him out".  Do I have that correct?

Realizing that I'm not a lawyer, but I (fortunately or unfortunately) have paid lots of legal bills in my life, so take this as a possibility that you can ask/direct a lawyer to do for you.

Think about this, in a way, as a divorce that leaves you in control of the business but with "obligations" to pay him in the future.


1.  It is critical that you be in control of decisions at the business.  Yes he can make a scene, but imagine the damage if he really signed something... .really spent something... .really fired someone... .  In fact, the agreement should specify "no contact" with the business or clients unless you approve in writing... .each time.

2.  Basically, determine his buyout value.  Determine a reasonable interest rate and then create a note (obligation) to pay him over time.  Minimize actual cash paid to him now.  Like most businesses, I'm sure capital is everything... .right?

3.  Am I right to assume he has been demanding a buyout for a while?  Do not agree to this until you have the paperwork ready.  Can you imagine having his pestering you about the status for a week or two?  Don't go there...

4.  Last:  You also need to have a conversation with the lawyer about any ways to "involuntarily" protect your business.  There may be ways... there may not.  Let's assume he balks at the buyout... .then starts being even more erratic.  Let's hope it doesn't go there, yet realize this is not something to be figured out quickly.


Lots here to think through.  It's obvious to me the choice you have made or are inclined to make of business versus relationship.  Do you want to clearly state your choice?  Or is the choice that clear to you?

FF
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« Reply #19 on: June 16, 2017, 06:56:50 AM »

1.  It is critical that you be in control of decisions at the business.  Yes he can make a scene, but imagine the damage if he really signed something... .really spent something... .really fired someone... .  In fact, the agreement should specify "no contact" with the business or clients unless you approve in writing... .each time.

This is kinda my point/goal as well, with the minor detail that I'm interest in him not doing these things, rather than signing an agreement not to do these things... .

... .and the bigger difference that I'm feeling sneakier and more subversive that FF is about it.

That's half-way to effectively true already--he's doing less with the biz already.

And the nature of his dysregulations is:
A) To rage at you [note lack of action despite how hurtful it is]
B) To stay home, not doing anything. (Except for raging, or manipulative texts/phone calls)

So in short, you can just DO this without any agreement from him on the buy out. Without even any discussion from him on the buy out. [Yeah, he will rage and threaten about it... .but no action or follow through]

Who cares if you can afford to buy him out or not when you can get 75%~95% of the benefits without paying anything? Well anything but whatever salary/profits he is collecting despite doing so little work... .

Consider it a goal and a test-drive for the next year or two in the business, and maybe after that you can have a real buy-out discussion with him.
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« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2017, 07:59:01 AM »

I am 100 percent for "de facto" moving him out of the business... .by continuing to marginalize him.

I would also want to you to have the lawyer retained and ready... .with a draft that you can live with.

Then the only issue you need to be smart about is when or if to bring up the real buyout.

My take right now is to let him bring it up.  Realize that whenever you bite and go for this... he is likely to destabilize... .so it needs to be quick.

FF

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« Reply #21 on: June 17, 2017, 12:08:15 AM »

Thank you for your responses.  I am going to actively figure out how to implement this.

I am ashamed and horrified and embarrassed to admit how he treated me for the last 8 hours.  I keep putting myself into these situations.  I am stopping.  I have to feel the pain and hurt and let myself get better. I don't know what else to do.

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« Reply #22 on: June 17, 2017, 12:55:11 AM »

          

We're here for you.
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« Reply #23 on: June 17, 2017, 12:19:55 PM »

I have to feel the pain and hurt and let myself get better. I don't know what else to do.



It's not easy... .but is does get easier to do.  The first time is the hardest.  Think about several things you can do when you get tempted to give in.  Having several pre-planned strategies will help stay on the strong path.

Think of it like a long thunderstorm... .hunker down inside while the storm blows.  It will be over soon.  The next storm will be easier.

FF
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2017, 09:24:38 AM »

I am going to actively figure out how to implement this.

Which part of what are you planning to implement, and when? Defining the specific problem you are signing yourself up for will make accomplishing it possible in comparison to a vague plan of "Fix everything and deal with it all perfectly" 

Excerpt
I am ashamed and horrified and embarrassed to admit how he treated me for the last 8 hours.

Is accepting that for 8 hours and then stopping a step forward, backward, or just "normal" compared to what you did with him before?

Give yourself credit for even a baby step if you took one forward!
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2017, 03:52:25 PM »

I am going to take steps to remove him from the operation of the business.  I do not have the cash to buy him out or the inclination for the fight but I can continue to take over since he isn't around much anyway. 

I was with him in a car for 8 hours - we were driving his kid to a summer conference.  We had planned it months ago - we would drive there and drop him off.  We planned to hang out and spend the night.  We had an enjoyable ride there until the last hour or so.  There was an accident on the highway so I suggested we follow the GPS and take the back roads to avoid the traffic jam.   He followed my instructions and was furious when we got there that I changed the plans.  I knew he was tired and hungry so I suggested we grab a sandwich or something.  He asked where and I said let me figure something out - which made him mad that I never make plans.  He refused to stop the car and started to head back home.  I said that we could drive a bit and then stop for the night.  He refused. As we were leaving, he got on the highway that had the accident and got stuck in traffic.  As we were sitting there, he got madder and madder.  He quickly spiraled completely out of control.  He said he had to go home - he couldn't stand to be near me.   He kept getting angrier and angrier - saying that I ruined this trip for him.  I kept my mouth shut because anything I said - he twisted and made it seem like I was fighting with him.  I asked him a number of times to go to the hotel so we could take a break.   He refused and kept driving home.  Every hour that passed, he kept screaming at me that he can't believe I am making him drive home.  He ranted about every "bad" thing that has happened to him since he knew me - he called me horrible names.  It was way past any point of being able to validate or even talk to him.  About 4 hours into the ride, he pulled off the highway, threw the keys at me and walked away.  He said he couldn't stand to be around me.  He would rather walk home then spend another minute in the car.  I got out and asked him to please get in the car - that I wouldn't say a word - that we just needed to get home.  He said that with each mile we got closer to home, that he hated me - that it was over - that he knows he says it all the time but this time he meant it.  I said I know it is over.  Let's just get home.  He continued to scream and yell horrible obscene things to me - at me.  I literally tried to think of someone I could call to come pick me up and then all i could think of is that I needed to get home and get away from him. 

It felt like a million hours in that car.  It had been years since he was that abusive and angry.   He pulled over a few more times and threatened to get out. The whole thing was a nightmare.  I finally got home and the calls started.  I turned off my phone - I was exhausted and shaking and I felt sick.  This was not "normal" it was much worse than it has been in a very long time.  Only credit I guess I could give myself was keeping my mouth shut and not fighting with him. 

The next morning, he started calling again.  I still felt sick.  I couldn't talk to him.  He left messages asking me to call him.  I didn't call.  He started to text asking me to call.  I ignored that too.  Later that afternoon, he came to my house.  My kids were there.  He asked if I could come over and talk to him.  I didn't want to have any issue in front of my kids, so I agreed.

He apologized.  He said he felt sick about what had happened - he lost control and couldn't help himself.  He tried to explain that he knows I feel horrible and hurt - that with his mental disorder, he feels like that when "bad" things happen to him.  I started to cry.  He said that I should have done something during the ride to shock him back to reality.  I said there I know there was nothing I could have done.  He kept asking me to accept his apology.  He said he understands if I can't and if I want to end things.  I said I felt like I couldn't think straight - that i can't go through something like that again.  I went home shortly after that. 

He called the next morning.  We had plans for dinner on Father's day - he wanted to know if we could still have dinner with the kids.  I am weak and I agreed.   We had a really nice day - very enjoyable.  He thanked me for everything.  He appreciated that I didn't hold Friday against him. 

Yesterday, I took time off of work and went to a bookstore. I ordered a coffee and just read for a bit.  He was supportive - he actually came into work so I could have some time to myself. 

He doesn't want things to end.   I don't know how I feel.  I love him.  I am having a hard time letting go of the things he said.  I don't feel like I am on a strong path.

I had a hard time writing all that out. I appreciate any thoughts, advice or support. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #26 on: June 20, 2017, 04:37:46 PM »

Ugh, that is really really rough to go through.

Please, whatever you do, don't get in a car with him for a long road trip ever again. Even if you have already promised it. Better to tell him "I know I promised you I would, but I can't and I won't" and let him dysregulate at you... .when you can turn off your phone than ever risk another 8 hours like that again.

BTW, that's not "holding it against him." That's protecting yourself.
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #27 on: June 20, 2017, 04:49:48 PM »

I will not make that mistake again and get in a car with him.  It was an absolute nightmare.  I kept saying to myself - I just need to make it home.  I have to get home.  The more I shut down, the angrier he got and more horrific things came out of his mouth.  He was desperate to get a reaction from me.  He even said that a few times on Saturday that it was upsetting him that I didn't react.  He said I need to be more emotional. 

I feel like an idiot.  I keep making the same mistakes - going through the same cycles.  I am just down about the whole thing. 
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Grey Kitty
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Posts: 7182



« Reply #28 on: June 20, 2017, 05:31:18 PM »

DISCLAIMER: I didn't get this one by reading the lessons and the tools here... .don't go looking for it there... .but... .

Just curious... .?

Have you ever tried screaming back at him?

Sometimes telling him to shut his !@$!ing trap at maximum volume beats trying to validate   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2017, 10:07:46 PM »

Hi coworkerfriend, this sounds gruelling and all too familiar. A trip down memory lane. I endured much the same many, many times, but not for 8 hours in a small enclosed space! Sometimes my ex would throw me out of the car when he was dysregulated like this. Horrible. I can see that you were all but trapped and agree don’t ever go for a long drive with him again. It would have been good if you could have driven off when he got out (I know, easier said than done), and I’m sure his reaction would have been something to behold if you had!

I too kept making the same mistakes, going through the cycles, until it all got too much. I’m trying to think of something that may help you, but all I can offer is don’t allow him to gloss over his abusive behaviour or even blame you for it. Telling you that you should have done something during the ride is shifting the focus from him to you. Telling you to be more emotional is more shifting of responsibility. Don’t buy this and please don’t bury the abuse. I pushed it down and excused it too many times, but it is abuse and it will happen again. As GK says protect yourself 
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