Going crazy and looking for answers about BPD ex.

[Rosey87]

Hey everyone, I got quite a story so bear with me.

I met my girlfriend (ex currently) three years ago. Our break-up or split happened in March of this year. What basically happened was this: We were living together, had our own place, we were happy and helped and catered to each others needs and wants. There was no one way street, we were both very helpful, in love and caring. Her father bought us a house after living together for one year together. We both decided to go and move into the house. The only catch was, her sisters would be living with us. Her sisters are basically modern age hippies and extreme liberals. When I moved in I had to basically keep my mouth shut and not say anything that would be offensive. To boot, her sisters boyfriend who is a drug dealer moved his self in. So, here I was, someone who had complete independence with the love of my life and I got stuck with a load of stress and drugs in my face 24/7.

She had always smoked marijuana and I never minded. When we got to the house it was a complete fraternity scene setting. People there all the time so I isolated myself and things got tense for both of us. My girlfriend and her family had a trip planned for Paris in March and they went. I was alone with the drug dealer and all his friends. One night, while she was on vacation, I snapped. I messaged her and said, "I hate you and your family. I wish you were all dead. I could kill all of you for what you've been doing to me." I didn't mean it but, it was what I was feeling at the time.

Her sisters saw the messages. Told her to tell me that I needed to leave the house. I obliged but not without speaking my mind even more.

So, I left and we were still talking. We both apologized and talked about how things at the house were all messed up. Made plans for me to move back in but the only catch was that if I came back, her sisters would leave if I came back. She called me frantically saying we can never talk or see each other again, all this ridiculous nonsense.

A couple weeks passed and I still had no idea what was going on and then suddenly my friend calls and says that she was accusing me and his self of raping her. She then accused a lot of my others friends of doing the same thing and of drugging both us and sexually assaulting me as well. I called her father and asked him some questions and he immediately got her. She has been diagnosed with BPD and completely hates me I feel. She hasn't tried to contact me, blames me on posts from Facebook that I'm the reason for the "split" in her psyche or what have you, has hacked my Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and Messenger sent messages to people and deleted them I'm told, and has accused me of crazy delusions like, I've killed and ate people, I was the Facebook killer Steve Stephens in blackface, I destroyed everything that she ever was, she's so much happier without me, so on and so forth.

I'm just very concerned about her. Do delusions have to do with BPD? I'm still looking everything up about it, watching as many documentaries as I can but I can't get a definitive answer. Is she going to hate me forever? I know everyone is different but, how long does the "charming" or waiting for reconciliation last? It's been three months almost now. She really is a fantastic woman and I love her and want to help her with this. What advice can you guys give me? Sorry if I rambled.

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[gotbushels]

Hi Rosey87  

Welcome.

I'm not aware of delusions being part of a BPD trait. Sometimes the pwBPD will attempt to present the ex partner as black as a way to cope with the breakup. Many people do this to varying amounts, not just pwBPDs. How many times have social groups vilified an ex partner? I do think this can be more extreme than the usual gossip because many pwBPD have large amounts of self-hate. Therefore, they often go to greater lengths to try and cope with it.

I don't know how long she will hate you. I think it's a good time now to assess where you are, why you want this relationship, and what the future looks like for you. Sometimes—when nons are actively involved inside the relationship—they are too exhausted or swamped step back and do good things for themselves.

I hope to hear more of your story.

[Rosey87]

Thanks gotbushels, I appreciate the welcome and the insight you provided. I am without a doubt being painted black to an extreme degree. It's all still very jarring for me and my family and friends as this really came out of the blue. You would think that I was the next reincarnation of Hitler with the things she has been saying about me.

She has made claims of abuse, not letting her see her family and friends, wasting her money, so on and so forth. What creeps me out is that certain members of her family e.g: her sisters, ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER!

I never laid a hand on her, I went with her to her family gatherings ir if I was tired I stayed home and let her go by herself and we always tried to go half and half with the finances.

A question that I have: If her sisters play into and believe what she says about me being negative, is there a possibility that I will continue to be painted black? I know there's going to be an argument down the line with all of them. I know her, and she has a tendency to see them in a negative way as well. Is that when she may reach out to me?

I remember at Thanksgiving I was talking to her mother late one night and she told me, "I have a very big problem with the way my daughter talks to you." I really thought nothing of it but, now looking at the criteria for this personality disorder, it makes sense. I was, in a way, though subconciously, being emotionally abused and drained.

It takes a hell of a lot out of you. So much that I've thought about taking my own life in the very first stages of the split. I have even questioned myself if I have done the things that she says I've done. It's stressed me out to the point where my hair has fallen out and I'm breaking out like a teenager again.

I have been taking care of myself in the last few weeks. Going out with friends, eating healthier, down to one pack of smokes a day , taking vitamins and seeing a therapist.

My therapist has put me on Prozac for the time being. She says that I only need it for a couple months, just not to give a crap about the whole situation. I feel depressed some days. I try to snap myself out of it but, my whole life has been turned upside down due to this. We had it all. We bought furniture together for crying out loud.

I feel I'm educating myself more on this disorder than her family is. Maybe that's wishful thinking on my part but, they are a very odd family. Hopefully not.

I'm very grateful for this site right now. Reading the posts from other members has made me instill more hope for myself. I just still feel so drained. It's good to know that I am not the only one who gave it 1000% and had it thrown in my face. Sorry if that was a little degrading everyone.

Thanks again. I hope to hear back from more of you soon.

[gotbushels]

You would think that I was the next reincarnation of Hitler with the things she has been saying about me.

Yes, the attacks can be very intimidating. It's not fun being the absent third party that gets attacked.

She has made claims of abuse, not letting her see her family and friends, wasting her money, so on and so forth. What creeps me out is that certain members of her family e.g: her sisters, ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER!

Yes, to us, we may respond in disbelief. It helps to bear in mind that people handle information differently. I suppose I had a relatively easier time because my ex's family members had a general distrust of my ex and the things she said. I do understand what you mean though.

A question that I have: If her sisters play into and believe what she says about me being negative, is there a possibility that I will continue to be painted black?

I think so.

I know her, and she has a tendency to see them in a negative way as well. Is that when she may reach out to me?

I don't know. It's possible if you're looking at her seeking support when she has an excess of anxiety. I think pwBPDs have a tendency to involve people in drama when they are unable to handle it subconsciously. But it may help you more to stay away from trying to predict behaviour here.

I was, in a way, though subconciously, being emotionally abused and drained.

It takes a hell of a lot out of you.

I know this. A lot of us here do.

So much that I've thought about taking my own life in the very first stages of the split. I have even questioned myself if I have done the things that she says I've done. It's stressed me out to the point where my hair has fallen out and I'm breaking out like a teenager again.

I'm not you, but many of us know what this can be like. Very well done on your self-care from here. I hope you'll be wary of those cigarettes and continue to keep healthy.

I have been taking care of myself in the last few weeks. Going out with friends, eating healthier, down to one pack of smokes a day , taking vitamins and seeing a therapist.

My therapist has put me on Prozac for the time being. She says that I only need it for a couple months, just not to give a crap about the whole situation. I feel depressed some days. I try to snap myself out of it but, my whole life has been turned upside down due to this. We had it all. We bought furniture together for crying out loud.

I might get quote-policed here, and I want to highlight this. This all reads as simple to you, but I do think it will play a big role in recovery. Please keep going with the highlighted sorts of things. It's okay to be sad some days, especially around breakups.

I feel I'm educating myself more on this disorder than her family is. Maybe that's wishful thinking on my part but, they are a very odd family. Hopefully not.

Your feeling here isn't surprising to me. I too am quite sure I know more about this whole thing than my ex's family put together, though I don't share their experiences. It makes sense because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with the partner--so better for us to get educated about it. Well done on putting in the effort to get something you wanted.

... .I just still feel so drained. It's good to know that I am not the only one who gave it 1000% and had it thrown in my face. Sorry if that was a little degrading everyone.

Based on what you said, on the other side, we put in 900% more effort than the usual caretaker. So we have 9 times more ability or blessing or both.