Noob needing help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

Spouse of 11 years fits many descriptions of BPD and I easily identify with feelings described by non-BP's. that statement makes me uncomfortable because I'm not qualified to diagnose and 'labeling' someone based on a book feels error prone and dangerous. However, there is no denying that the feelings expressed by the non-BP's fits me to a frightening degree. Signing up for an account was time consuming due to the first dozen attempts at a username where phrases describing my feelings and they were all taken.

I desperately want to stay married but am losing all hope that is possible. It is clear my partner has no interest in changing and vehemently refuses any professional help for either one of us individually or as a couple. I'm feeling increasing isolated and the few people I do share with tell me I'm being emotionally abused and need to leave.

I realize I can only change myself but need help in learning how to do that in this situation. I feel like my life is insane and my self worth has eroded over to the years to the point where I have lost trust in myself.

[PurpleApple]

Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

Spouse of 11 years fits many descriptions of BPD and I easily identify with feelings described by non-BP's. that statement makes me uncomfortable because I'm not qualified to diagnose and 'labeling' someone based on a book feels error prone and dangerous. However, there is no denying that the feelings expressed by the non-BP's fits me to a frightening degree. Signing up for an account was time consuming due to the first dozen attempts at a username where phrases describing my feelings and they were all taken.

I desperately want to stay married but am losing all hope that is possible. It is clear my partner has no interest in changing and vehemently refuses any professional help for either one of us individually or as a couple. I'm feeling increasing isolated and the few people I do share with tell me I'm being emotionally abused and need to leave.

I realize I can only change myself but need help in learning how to do that in this situation. I feel like my life is insane and my self worth has eroded over to the years to the point where I have lost trust in myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lovesherfam]

I am sorry for what you are going through 

[Mutt]

Hi PurpleApple,

that statement makes me uncomfortable because I'm not qualified to diagnose and 'labeling' someone based on a book feels error prone and dangerous.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose, only a professional can do that! What we can look at are BPD traits and have boundaries on BPD Behaviors. Reading about BPD makes us understand why our pwBPD act the way that they do and we can teach ourselves to depersonalize the behaviors, the behaviors are not personal to us, it's something that our pwBPD are going through.

Signing up for an account was time consuming due to the first dozen attempts at a username where phrases describing my feelings and they were all taken.

I can see how that would be frustrating, I'm glad that you decided to join us.

I'm feeling increasing isolated and the few people I do share with tell me I'm being emotionally abused and need to leave.

You don't want to isolate yourself, it helps to get feedback from friends, family members, fellow BPD members as well because a pwBPD will give us mostly negative feedback about ourselves, which is not realistic, it's distortion.

A pwBPD have black and white thinking and see the world and people in it as either all good or all bad and can't see the grey areas in life or people as an integrated whole.

I realize I can only change myself but need help in learning how to do that in this situation.

A good place to start is reading through the lessons on the right side of board 

[WitzEndWife]

I really feel for you and this is a great place to get support. Nobody here will tell you to leave. In fact, they discourage that. They WILL tell you that you cannot change your spouse, you can only change your own behavior.

I've been on this journey since the beginning of the year. My H has been in and out of therapy, but he's also a really tough one to get into therapy, as he claims it "does not work." He was making progress with a therapist recently, but I had to stop the sessions because I could not afford to pay for them out of pocket. I just have to wait around for things to get really bad for him again, in order to coax him into going.

The tools here are really helpful for dealing with BPDs. Some things you figure out on your own. First, I don't let myself get isolated from others. If I want to spend time with friends, or hang out with coworkers after work, or visit my family, I will do that. If I need to take time by myself, I do that also. It can be taxing to live with the constant "me, me, me-ing" of your BPD partner. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.

Also, when H starts to split, sometimes it's easier for me to notice it happening, and go into another room and lock the door. If he comes to the door (which they always do, because they need an audience for their tantrums), I tell him I'm feeling scared, so I need to separate myself, and he immediately calms down. If I criticize or comment on the behavior without first protecting myself, he gets further enraged. There's a difference between JADE-ing and protecting yourself. Worst case, I can leave the house and go stay overnight with my parents.

Without therapy, it's unlikely the behavior will stop, but you can learn to protect yourself, and you can learn to help yourself throughout. Your partner has a choice too. They can be a partner to you, and work on the relationship, or they can face the consequences that come with not doing that.

I'm in a much better head space after using the tools, although it's still a struggle and I'm still trying to feel out whether this marriage will last, but I'm doing what I can to set boundaries and take care of myself.

[bananas2]

Welcome, PurpleApple!   Glad you found us.
First of all, I'd like to let you know that this a great, supportive, knowledgeable group of people here. They have been life-savers to me. I'm sure you'll find that true in time.

that statement makes me uncomfortable because I'm not qualified to diagnose and 'labeling' someone based on a book feels error prone and dangerous.

Very wise of you. Only a professional can diagnose a mental health disorder, and often they won't even disclose the BPD diagnosis to the pwBPD (person with BPD) bc it can interfere with treatment. My BPDh (BPD husband) has been in therapy for a few years and ultimately has only made progress recently after finding a therapist who won't tell him it's BPD, but will only refer to his condition as a "mood disorder," yet all the symptoms they work on are BPD related. Whenever I've tried to encourage him to accept his BPD diagnosis (from multiple therapists), he has resisted & escalated his behaviors. You will even see on this forum many ppl who list their pwBPD as "uBPD," with the "u" identifying him/her as "undiagnosed."

My first question to you, is what brought you to reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells"? Gut feeling? Research? Suggestion of friend/family member? There must be something that lead you to that book.

I'm feeling increasing isolated and the few people I do share with tell me I'm being emotionally abused and need to leave.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please know that feeling isolated is something many of us deal with in a relationship with a pwBPD. Hopefully, this forum will help you feel less isolated. Please know that since you have decided to post in "Improving a Relationship" that no one here will ever tell you to leave your partner. If you decide that, you can post in "conflicted" or "leaving," but it will be your decision and yours alone. But for now, you have posted in "Improving" and therefore we are here to help and support you for so long as you decide to continue trying to improve your relationship.

I'll reiterate what others have said about learning the website tools to your right. >

Please make sure that you keep posting. I've learned that even if I get minimal feedback on some posts, it's helped me to release my feelings, which, if kept contained will ultimately be toxic. So keep writing, keep posting regardless of feedback.

I promise to not ramble on so much when I reply to you in the future. Just wanted to give you some solid info & feedback to your first post.