End of Vacation With my Husband and My Mother

Hi. I'm 43 and discovered this support website just a few minutes ago while sitting at a hotel pool after a tense evening with my mother. She joined my husband and I on a week-long vacation to Mexico and on our way back home our connecting flight in Atlanta was cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. We took a hotel.

It's nearly 11 PM and both my husband and I are exhausted from a long day of travel. Mom announced she would be staying up to read. She typically reads until 1 or 2 in the morning. She doesn't live with us. When I expressed surprise at this, since she has appeared exhausted all day from the traveling, she raged and threatened to lock herself in the bathroom to read. I left to have a moment by the hotel pool to get away from her.

Through my early years my memories of her are mostly her flying off the handle on a daily basis over things that should enrage no one: socks on the floor and similar small things. One moment she was giddy and the next a screaming mess. She would tell me I was lazy or fat or something similar on a regular basis. She always threatened to divorce my father. She never did. He died 16 years ago and she's never been able to move on.

After his death she relocated to be near my brother (only other sibling). He was married and had a toddler. Sadly he has since cut her out of his life completely several years ago due to her critical and unpredictable ways. This has made it nearly impossible for me to maintain a relationship with my brother out of guilt. How can I ever be in touch with him and yet he won't speak to her. It's a rotten place to be. I don't know my 16 year old nephew, my only nephew, as a result of this.

Four years ago she retired and relocated near me. I live several hours away from her siblings and anyone else she knows. Now I feel totally tied down and responsible for her for the rest of her life. She's 70. Initially I would visit with her weekly but that has slowed to once or twice a month. I can never just pop over to say hi and chat for a few. It always becomes her asking me to complete a list of chores and usually includes a meal which stretches on for the whole day. If I try to keep the visits short she says things like, "It's okay. I'm used to being alone." Then the guilt takes over.

I do love my mother. She grew up with an exceptionally critical mother so I try to be understanding knowing that she knows nothing different. However it is too much to bear. I know I should not play into her guilting, her hanging up the phone on me (the last time was over a floor in my house that she accidentally damaged when she improperly watched my aquarium while I was away... .I guess she felt guilty), her refusal to do things for herself (such as learning to use her cell phone which she uses A LOT) and the raging anger she has over such things. Unfortunately I sometimes do find myself snapping back at her insensitivity and rudeness. That always ends up with her refusing to speak to me for a day or two.

I could go on with story after story for pages. All I know is that dealing with her has damaged my sense of self worth. I learned long ago to not share anything about my life with her because she will find some way to turn it into a negative dig against me.

Hopefully participating in a support group of sorts will help me sort out my relationship with my mother so I can move on with living a happy life. Thanks for allowing me to be part of this group.

In rereading this post before posting it I worry that I will sound like I'm just complaining about small stuff. However I know that my issues with mom are not small issues. I can't begin to express the fear, humiliation, and self-deprecating feelings that I've dealt with as a result of life with her. I always feel worse after a visit with her... .always.



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